Lamest Powers of Wannabe X-Men

April 6, 2014

According to comic book lore, human beings possessing the X gene have the potential to become one of the mighty X-Men, whether it be for good or evil. That is of course assuming that they survive the blast of radiation that initially empowers them without later suffering the horrors of cancer. Without a doubt, all of our favorite X-Men possess powers to be reckoned with such as mind control, magnetic influence and extreme weather forecasting. But, what about the other mutants whose powers never develop into something useful like making ice cream materialize out of thin air? I’m sure there’s plenty of people that have opened the microwave door too quickly and sucked up more than their share of Chinese gamma rays. However, the radiation just isn’t strong enough to effectively alter someone’s body chemistry much less properly cook their baked potato. So, if  palm freckles are all that type of incident can result in, I’m pretty sure the exposed victim doesn’t deserve a leather bodysuit and a bad-ass nickname to prefix his gender. So, aiming slightly higher than glowing skin blemishes, let’s look at the lamest powers ever possessed by nameless mutants that will never be cool enough to be X-Men.

10. Toe knuckle hair as strong as piano wire but harder to tune

9. Can swallow bullets and shoot them out the ass while sustaining only minor injuries to internal organs

8. Fat rolls in the breadbasket can project small objects with the force of a lemon lobbed by a leftie with his right arm

7.
Ultra strong ass-breath can weaken mortar with 6-7 precisely aimed exhales

6.
Hurricane force eyelid fluttering can flatten anything with 14 centimeters

5.
Super steely sideburns can scratch the shit out of any opponent foolish enough to get lured into a hug

4.
Flabby side skin stretches out like wings on a partially malformed sugar glider

3.
Razor-sharp detachable nipples serve as retrievable throwing stars so long as the wind is cooperating… in both directions

2.
Flame retardant belly button lint can be used as… well, nothing

1.
Vaginal vice grip can twist open stuck peanut butter jars yet gracefully flip phonebook pages without ripping them


Philandering Lesbian Blasts Gay-Marriage Supporters

March 1, 2014

LesboLashOut2013 was a celebratory year for gays and lesbians throughout the country. Numerous states voted to legalize gay marriage entitling same-sex spouses to medical and tax benefits as well as gratuitous groping of each other’s junk in public. Heterosexuals nation-wide rallied behind the flag of equal rights in an effort to win the political favor of those that enjoy the same kind of genitalia they see naked in the mirror. Although many lips and tips have been pleased with the support, not every homosexual appreciates the elevated level of attention.

Womanizing lesbian, Edie Berber is a professional arc welder that’s fiercely defensive of her lifestyle. She describes herself simply as “your average ho, looking for free drinks and some fresh moose-knuckle.” Edie has been working the downtown scene since the early eighties when she says “we all just wanted to strap one on and have fun. It was about getting laid. Nobody cared about marriage, white picket fences and all that Leave It To My Beaver bullshit.” The crop-haired Berber insists that the media frenzy surrounding gay marriage has adversely affected her ability to engage in meaningless dalliances with other fur traders, “Look, I ain’t lookin’ for nobody’s help. I’m at the Labia Lounge three nights a week picking up raw stank and I’m pretty good at it too. I just wanna keep my average up, ya know? But all that domestic talk scares away the fresh fish. Either that or I give ‘em a sip of my drink and they’re ready to buy Hers & Hers towels together. The whole scene is whack now. It’s like all you people are clam-jamming and don’t even know it. You think I wanna keep some bitch named Frankie? Get real.”

Despite being off the marriage market, Edie Berber appreciates the right to wed if she were to ever choose to do so…. well, sort of. “Shit, I guess if you always want your mouth tasting the same, that’s great. Ain’t for me, though. I ain’t tryin’ to be part of no damned Brady Munch. I’d shit thumbtacks before I wake up face down on the same carpet every morning.” When we reached Edie’s trailer for a follow-up interview, we found her naked and alone grinding her drunken privates against an old bean bag chair as she wept. She quickly finished herself off before wailing how she’d struck out on Nipple Night at the Tuna Club. “I got slapped twice for one grope, had my hand sat on once and had three drinks thrown in my puss. On top of that I got two marriage proposals. Two! What the hell am I supposed to do with that, rub it in my bird’s nest?” Edie sobbed. “Why do you self-righteous assholes always gotta be goddamned saviors? I should be motorboating some bitch on a barstool right now! Instead, I’m home alone… yet again, with an unopened bottle of rufies and a pair of dead D-cells. Fuck off, you meddling breeders!”


Al Gore Reverses Stance on Global Warming, Warns of “Cold, Serious Fucking Cold.”

January 12, 2014

AlGoreCold

In the years since he’s held office, former vice president Al Gore has made quite a name for himself doing two things, espousing the dangers of climate change and shaming millions into recycling yogurt cups. Recently though, his credibility has come under fire as temperatures around the country have plummeted far below the pointy-nip range. Even his own supporters have been taken aback by such frigid conditions. In fact, many of his self-professed Gore Whores are now crying bullshit and disparaging Al’s doomsday theories on global warming.

According to Gore’s award-winning documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, rising atmospheric temperatures are chiefly caused by the abundance of fossil fuels burned by human beings. The film foresees flooding, disease, glacial retreat and shitty beach movies as a result of the warmer climate. But instead of melting in our shoes of late, billions of Americans have been buried under arctic conditions and forced to snap icicles off of our gennies.

Retired field hand, Ernest Keep spoke candidly about his record of supporting Al Gore’s cause “You know, I bought that there Incontinent Truth video at a yard sale coz I really like the earth and it was only a buck. Fell asleep for a bit in the middle but the rest was really good. It made me care more, I think. But yeah, I totally believed in that big old Tennessee boy.  He seemed honest and it’s not like just anyone could run that giant slideshow. Can’t trust him anymore, though. He made it sound like we’d be running around on burnt toast by now and here I am like Jack fuckin’ Frost trying to find my goddamned carport on the ice planet Hoth. I mean, what the shit? I was saving my beer cans for that guy and everything.”

The former vice president rejects the notion that he was wrong, misleading or deceitful in any way. In fact, he insists that recent sub-zero temperatures actually support his theory of earth as a flaming hemorrhoid. Gore insists “Science is full of variables, it’s not perfect. Everything I’ve predicted is coming true, wacky weather and all . The only difference is the temperature itself. So, I was off by a few degrees. Big deal. Go make a snow angel. You still shouldn’t throw your Slurpee cups out the car window. Everybody’s jumping on me like I lied to them or something. I didn’t lie. I’m a good man. I played football, you know.”

Despite such justifications, nature’s cabana boy continues to draw criticism in the wake of record shattering low temperatures. Former environmental fund-raiser,  Alberto Denaro pulls no punches when it comes to these recent climatic shifts “I raised a millions of dollars for Al to stop it the global warming. It all look it like horsey shit now, and all the hottie womans are burritoed up in the wool and down. Alberto no see nothing now. Maybe  real global warmings mean skimpy bikinis because parka and mittens shit not so sexy. Fuck him this Al Gore.”

When we caught up with Mr. Environmental Savior himself, he was clearing his driveway with a custom built plutonium-fueled atomic snow dematerializer. Gore concedes the weather hasn’t been quite as he anticipated, “So yeah, ok. It’s cold, seriously fucking cold. I get that. I didn’t say it would never be cold again, just said that the planet would eventually implode like a marshmallow in the microwave. What am I, the cracker Al Roker? Maybe, it’s just not time yet. Be happy. What do you want me to do, update my PowerPoint every time it freakin’ snows?” In defense of his character, Gore adds “I don’t know why you all don’t just trust me on this. I’m honest as they get. Why else would you have almost voted me President, second only to George Weasel Bush?”


Best (or worst) Christmas Presents Received (or returned) this Year

December 26, 2013

ShittyGifts
10. Package of Infini-Dong Reusable Condoms with Deluxe Drying Tree

9. Pet Hamster from the Richard Gere Habitat for Rodent Preservation and Intestinal Exploration

8. My First Buzz: Little-Bee Starter Pot Farm

7. Dr. Breasticles’ Home Implant Kit- Now with extra blades!

6. Famous Anus Recliner Chair: Reshape your ass to emulate the posterior of your favorite celebs with genuine molded ass-a-like seats!

5. Santa’s Sack Warmer: The rechargeable underwear heater for men

4. Gift Certificate for the Kardashian Love Line Advice Network

3. Dashboard Deep Fryer

2. Senior’s Stripper Pole with shock absorbent chair lift and safety rails

1. Booger Pouch


Elf Goes Rogue, Blows Whistle On Santa Claus And Shitty Labor Conditions

December 22, 2013

ElfGoesRogueYesterday, investigators announced a major breakthrough in its ongoing  federal case against North Pole, Inc a division of Kringle Enterprises. A former hand in Santa Claus’s workshop, Ruderalis Elvin Jr. has come forward to yank the tinsel away from the reclusive organization’s nefarious practices. His statements corroborate longstanding suspicions about the red and white empire.

Among federal allegations is the charge of civil and humanesque rights violations within Santa Claus’s workshop or as Elvin calls it “the coldest goddam sweat shop you’ll ever see.” The diminutive toy builder recently made his dramatic escape from his lifelong home within the confines of Kringle’s dictatorship. He cites “poor working conditions, incompetent management” and the existence of “only one employee bathroom” as the main reasons for his flight (Elvin admits he has digestive difficulties.) The pointy-shoed squealer explains “You know, folklore has really perpetuated this myth of joyous wonder surrounding Christmas but listen up kids, at least half of it is total bullshit.” The informant elf isn’t referring to what’s expected however. “I mean, sure Santa is real and you all get toys but at what cost? Elves work for free with no benefits. You think we don’t get sick? Try whittling toy trains out of tree branches for 15 hours a day and see how you fucking feel. We don’t even qualify for Obamacare for god’s sake. We’re not human! Have you seen these ears? We look like Mr. Spock’s shit sticks for chrissakes. Besides, who plays with wooden toys anymore anyway? All these kids want nowadays are iPhones and eCigs, whatever they are. I can’t build that stuff. Do I look like a friggin’ Chinaman to you?”

Federal prosecutors are also focusing on anonymous complaints of preferential treatment among Santa’s workforce. The grievances span several decades yet have never been substantiated by reputable testimony, until now. The allegations have pertained unanimously to Kringle’s mistreatment of  darker-skinned elves. According to Ruderalis, “All that stuff you hear about White Santa is what it is. The guy is as conservative as they get so go get your happy on, Fox News. The boss-man just doesn’t like anyone that’s different than him, which makes no sense with his big round hearing-holes and big-ass belly full of whisky. I mean, that blowhard clearly ain’t an elf no matter what the legends say. At that height?? He could probably shit my body weight and wipe himself with my kids! But yeah, he definitely didn’t like the black elves… oh, sorry I mean the Dirty Snow Elves. This’ll be public, right? Anyway, he hated my wife. I’d met her on the south side of the north pole five years ago. Great gal with tiny hands. We married and I got her a job in the workshop. Santa couldn’t stand her, though, or me ever since that day. He treated her different, not letting her take poop-breaks and things like that. He’d always give her the shit jobs like dragging away the dead elves from their workstation or making her apply hemorrhoid cream to the reindeer when they were sore. Santa Claus can be a real asshole.”

Although the feds have thus far been unable to penetrate the veil of secrecy surrounding North Pole, Inc., top agents are hopeful that Elvin’s testimony will help bring their case to the World Court. Inspector Jorge’ Sativa of the FBI comments on the bravery of Ruderalis Elvin Jr., “It takes a lot of sack to come forward and set the record straight on an institution as sacred as Santa Claus. That little elf has put the safety of his family and himself  in jeopardy in order to pursue good ‘ole American justice. I’m sure he doesn’t have any real interest in those gift cards we’re offering in exchange for his testimony. This Kringle organization has long arms and will stop at nothing to stifle the truth and totally eradicate the existence of this brave, loose-lipped elf. Fortunately for Ruderalis, the U.S. government will pull no stops in protecting him and his phallic-eared family from harm as soon as we get back from our holiday vacations in mid to late January.”


Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers: Get The Hell Out Of My Way!!

October 4, 2013

When misfortune strikes me in such a way that I am forced to replenish stock and procure supplies, I do so out of pure necessity. Superstores aren’t exactly my natural habitat. In fact, I think any time spent in one should be applied as advance payment on purgatorial punishment. My mission is simply to attain my goods and depart the premises post-haste. Instead, I find myself embroiled in a social experiment gone horribly wrong. As far as I’m concerned, Wal-Mart is nothing but a giant Petri dish of humanoid dysfunction.

My movements are such that I circumvent the crowds in a stealth-like fashion. Nary a blur is seen as I bob and weave through the mass of gluttonous consumers as they graze like demented cattle. As I swiftly navigate the jungle of Chinese plastic, I am in tune to the path of least resistance. At all costs, I will avert elbow-knocking with the gaggles of glassy-eyed gawkers.

My purpose is pure. My list is short and free of fluff. My visit is one of unadulterated functionality. Yet, most of those around me seem lost. They spin around in place eye-raping the shelves and drifting from aisle to aisle with strings of drool connecting their lower lip to their chest. The lack of certitude in their motion hints at a recent sale on Benadryl and wine coolers. The slightest breeze seems to move them along like farts in the wind carelessly aflutter.

Gizmos and gadgets are randomly plucked from the shelves, groped and prodded. Boxes are shaken and opened before being tossed askew from whence they came. Cancer-grade hygiene products are sniffed, sampled and slathered upon the necks of the vendees. With such a fondle fest going on, it’s like a DNA Swap Meet at the local fairgrounds. With every item cuddled and caressed, customers expose themselves to a grab-bag of pathogens, surface yeast and crotch-crickets. Biological warfare could be waged with the microbial funk residing on a Wal-Mart shelf. Look with your eyes, people! Not every item needs to be fingered, fidgeted and fucked with!

I enter the final stretch only to find more ragamuffins loitering about in their baggy-ass sweat pants. I can never tell if they dropped a deuce or if they’re trying to steal DVDs. If only shopping carts were rigged with cow catchers I could plow through the peeps like bowling pins sending them pell-mell to the wayside. I just have no patience for the shuffling dim-witted patrons of a dung gallery. I just want to pay for my AA batteries and make my escape to the great outdoors where I don’t have to share my oxygen with anybody within sneezing distance. Thank you for shopping with us, folks. Come again!


Things I Should Have Left Off Of My Resumé/Job Application

August 12, 2013

resume_exclusions10. Job History: Four years as an exotic wood dildo-whittler

9. Social Work: Veteran volunteer of experimental drug testing

8. Picture of myself running the Annual Winter Nude-A-Thon FootRace

7. Awards: 2010 All-State Beer-Funnel Champion

6. Gaps in Employment: Can’t recall a single day between February 2008 and April 2009 but I apparently moved from a 2-story townhouse to an alleyway dumpster

5. Objective: To bang every hot chick in the office

4.  Hobbies: Collecting celebrity belly-button lint

3. Accomplishments: Inspiring worker unrest and inciting management-overthrow at my last two jobs this month

2. Arrest Record: Convicted of roughing up a Glory-Hole Attendant for letting somebody cut in line ahead of me

1. Special Skills: Verbally dismantling authority figures and making them cry


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