BITE ME: An Unbiased Movie Review Of A Flick I’ll Never See ‘Coz Twilight Sucks Ass

Evil used to be so much cooler than it is now...

I’m just not getting the fascination with these Twilight movies. The bar has dropped so low for horror movies that people actually embrace this drivel as if it has a shred of quality buried beneath its painted-on, poorly-lit pale skin. Am I really expected to accept these limp dick teeny boppers as vampires? All I see is a bunch of wannabe hipsters that need Visine and Crest in a big way. No respectable creature of the night that I grew up with was prone to puppy love, acne and poor acting like these friggin’ saps.

I realize that I’m dating myself with this comparison but ,what the fuck, any vampire worth his salt is hundreds of years old anyway. Thanks to MTV and its innate ability to reject genuine talent in favor of pretty-boy worthlessness, we’re witnessing the launch of the lamest stars since Mark Wahlberg graduated to underwear commercials.

Apparently, there is no physical standard required to portray a vampire in this ridiculous era of movie making. Any prepubescent butt-nut with a chopped up lawnmower hair cut apparently qualifies as a diabolical fiend. Vampires are supposed to be statuesque and daunting not effeminate and emotional. At least Frank Langella was suave as he carried out his devious machinations. The Twilight crew come off about as sinister as casting rejects from Beverly Sills 90125. The filmmakers might as well have shit on the grave of Max Schreck.

And what’s with the clothes? I can’t take the undead seriously when they look they’re filming a fucking Gap commercial. Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee wore capes not Phat Farm. Don’t they make tuxedos anymore? Vampires are supposed to be wicked yet intelligent creatures, not just flunky lovelorn losers looking to cop a grope. I get more chills from Blacula and George Hamilton than these low-rent hickey freaks.

Finally, I gotta wonder when the hell vampires developed super-strength?  This throwing people across the room with one arm bullshit is just another way of catering to an audience that can’t sit still or follow an actual storyline. Gary Oldman accomplished far more with a hypnotic glance than one of these Twilight geeks flinging somebody over their shoulder with their pseudo-bionics. Action in lieu of acting. Apparently, actual talent would make these vampires melt like cheese on a tailpipe. Real movie vampires suck blood, these guys suck ass. Get real, and get some sun, assholes!

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3 Responses to BITE ME: An Unbiased Movie Review Of A Flick I’ll Never See ‘Coz Twilight Sucks Ass

  1. Bryan says:

    That’s pretty good. I think all Twilighter’s need to read this cuz their killin’ me!! Anyway, with that being said, another brilliant piece written by the Master himself…ANT!!!!

  2. Chrissy says:

    Great stuff Ant!!
    Loved the Gary Oldman reference. He’s one of my favorite actors. Funny…That weird tooth-sucking thing he did in Dracula, he also did in another movie – I can’t remember the name – I think he played a 70’s drug dealer or used car salesman or some sort of sleazy character. (somebody help me here)
    Love the commentary on pop culture…never having read or watched anything Twilight except the media hype. What a bunch of wipers….

    • antsrants says:

      Thanx for the comment, Chrissy. Oldman is great, I think you’re referring to True Romance. He played a sleazy drug dealer named Drexel. The guy acts circles around most A-Listers but doesn’t get a lot of credit for it. Loved him in Sid and Nancy, too. All that aside though, this Twilight shit is MTV’s fag factory run amok. Yeah, I said it! Maybe these wusses are hot shit in the MTV green room but I wouldn’t recognize one of these dudes if he walked down the street and hit me with his purse. Peace!

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