With Swine Flu Mania sweeping the countryside, it’s a miracle people aren’t jumping out of windows just to save themselves. I mean, I’m still waiting to die from the Bird Flu, for God’s sake. SARS was supposed to be the end of civilization as we know it. Years later, nobody can even remember what the friggin’ letters stand for. Now, it’s the Swine Flu threatening to rain death and disease upon the disbelieving villagers. The media has really run amok with this pig shit. They finally found something that they couldn’t blame on George W. Bush.
Every night, CNN excitedly reports the death count as if they’re reading off the winning Lottery numbers. For all anybody knows, those people got sick from eating undercooked bacon while having sex with an unprotected sow. Nobody really knows how a virus starts, but the “experts” sure rake some cash while guessing. One theory blames it on Mexico since it wouldn’t be patriotic to say that the U.S. had any involvement. Yet everybody will cry in their Corona when the flow of drugs, guns and money over the border grinds to a halt. What we’re dealing with is essentially a bad cold with a really good publicist. Once the media came up with a catchy name, they only had to market hysteria to anyone hungry for it. Hence, the birth of Swine Flu, an epidemic designed to move merchandise in a sluggish economy. Anything with the word “protection” in it has become a hot commodity, whether it be vitamins, sneeze guards, or lemon-scented ass wipes in a germ-free Altoid tin.
I think the first thing for the over-reactors to accept is that those ridiculous dust masks won’t save anybody from anything. Return them to Home Depot or save them for the next big sanding job. All those masks do is recycle our own stank-ass breath worsening it exponentially. If there really is a Hog-Herpes, it certainly won’t be thwarted by recycled paper products. The key to prevention is to use common sense. Don’t have sex with any strange farm animals unless you know who else they’ve been with. Maybe Farmer Brown had cooties. As far as people spreading germs to one another, my policy is very simple. Anybody sneezing on me whether or not there is an epidemic is begging for a beat-down. Second-hand phlegm has no place in my life, whatsoever, much less sprayed on my face by some inconsiderate prick with a hypersensitive nose trigger.
Since the Swine Flu is primarily a media virus, I think our trusted journalists hold the cure. As Americans, all we need is a good distraction to make everything hunky dory. After all, that’s why we watch inane television programs and worship dysfunctional celebrities. All we need to cure the Swine-Clap is a good celebrity panty-flash or nip-slip. Soon after, we’ll forget about the Piggy-Plague and move onto other meaningless activities to fill our cultural vacuum.