Best Ideas of 2014… So Far

Best Ideas

The best laid plans of mice and men don’t mean dick when you’re yakking in the can and pelting your face with Advil and Tums.

  1. Exploding doormats to discourage solicitors
  2. Cuervo IV-Drip for uninterrupted inebriation
  3. New FCC regulations will now require that Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Justin BibWearer make some type of useful contribution to society  before having their name published or broadcast publicly.
  4. Butt-Buzzers: Early warning ass-whistle inserted in the sphincter to signal the release of stealth-like flatulence
  5. Penis Colonies: Remote islands where pedophiles, child molesters and sexual offenders are dropped off by helicopter… without a parachute. Survivors utilize their unique social skills to interact with those that appreciate inappropriate erections.
  6. Body Odor Act of 2014: Mandatory daily showers enforced by law. If you can be smelled, you can be jailed.
  7. Crotch-Cam video feed for FaceBook
  8. Celebrity Death Hunt on RealityTV- regular people stalk the jungle fully armed with the intent of eradicating the world of celebrities they consider worthless and undeserving of fame. Baldwins beware!
  9. Scented underwear by Glade
  10. Sarah Palin VooDoo Doll/Inflatable Love Slave
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9 Responses to Best Ideas of 2014… So Far

  1. Mermangers says:

    What to do with the crotch cam? I would like to know, cuz if your putting this out for cetain ppl that a semi truck could pull rite up in there, you may regret that, just sayin.

    • Ant's Rants says:

      obviously the crotch cam should be mounted under one’s computer desk along with a fluorescent light. That way all the scratching and adjusting can be clearly enjoyed by viewers. You are correct that the spread of certain users might be akin to an open garage door and not enjoyable for prime time viewing. I suggest an emergency camera kill switch so you can shut down the fugliness before it burns your eyes. Thanks for looking out!

  2. Bryan says:

    Love the list!!! I have a pet peeve. No one… and I mean no one… NO ONE should be allowed to live alone!!! Cause when you get into a conversation with someone they tell you every fricken thing that happened to them even when you don’t care!!! They won’t fucking shut the hell up!!! Everyone should bunk up with someone. That should be law. Jesus Christ, I go over to dad’s or see my brother and they go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on…LOL!!! (and on)

    • flyngmunky says:

      dude. i know exactly what you’re talking about. like, one day, i was making some oatmeal. not just your regular oatmeal. but the really good stuff with butter, and brown sugar, and nuts, and berries. and i put it in a bowl. not just your regular bowl. but a really nice bowl with flowers around the edge. and the bowl was really deep. and, i don’t even want to get started on the great spoon i was using. well, anyway, i turned to my cat and said . . .

      • Ant's Rants says:

        Good Lord, Woman!Don’t stop there and leave me hanging! That story had a major cliffhanger! What happens next? What happens next? What did the cat do? Did Sir Isaac lick the insanely cool bowl and the wildly articulate spoon? Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!

    • Ant's Rants says:

      and don’t forget that anybody that owns a pick ’em up truck will constantly be asked to help people move! Sell your truck! Save your Saturday and your back!

  3. flyngmunky says:

    dude. love penis island. and the palin voodoo/love slave doll – love your ambivalence regarding this hottie /nottie.

  4. flyngmunky says:

    dude. love penis colonies. and the palin voodoo/love slave doll – love your ambivalence regarding this hottie /nottie.

  5. Ant's Rants says:

    Thank you FlyingMunky. I think Penis Colonies are a very practical way to clean up societies less desirable members. It’s been my experience that gross perversion is best enjoyed consensually or at worst with furry handcuffs. As a fiber buff, I’m sure you realize that a little velvet can go a long way in taking the edge off of life’s harsher realities. As far as Palin goes, I like to give credit where it’s due. The woman has clearly mastered and milked the hot librarian look for all it’s worth. Take away those glasses, however, and you have nothing but a tight-assed, small-minded, dimwitted conservative that would control us all if given the chance.

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