It’s Not Easy Going Green

 

Feelin' green? Bite some green!

Consumers will buy anything that's green these days even if it's moldy bread.

 

Disclaimer: This blog is all-natural and eco-friendly. Its green and brown packaging is organically produced and completely harmless to anyone of importance.

If you believe that, I’d like to sell you a new ass with all the accesories. Our world is plastered with these purported badges of good health and earthy goodness. Am I really expected to believe that human beings care about their bodies and environment? How the hell has centuries of self-indulgence, gluttony and ecological rape led to monkey-piss facial scrubs and mint flavored toilet paper coated with honeybee jizz?

Under the pretense of benevolence, the marketing gurus are whoring out Mother Earth to gullible consumers in desperate need of a self-image makeover. The color Green is being sold as the standard bearer of all things good and healthy. I beg to differ. In fact, I just ate some  greened-over, fuzzy-looking fried rice from Chin Lu’s day-old buffet bin and now I feel awful. The only thing Green indicates is a shift in strategy. The glossy blister-packs and flashy packaging of yesterday have morphed into fecal-brown boxes and mucus splattered wrapping for today’s “more aware” shopper. Are we really so dense to think that brown and green Styrofoam is somehow better for the environment? Bland color schemes don’t save trees or rescue animals. Nor does it save our colons from periodic bouts of flare-shooting flatulence. Cancer isn’t attracted to flashy colors like a shark to a diver’s wristwatch. Green is just another ink made in China. It has no soul and it wears no halo.

Perhaps more offensive to me than the gullibility and chicanery involved with all of this is the cost. These supposedly healthier foods and eco-friendly products are more expensive than their preservative packed and chemically enhanced counterparts. I realize that natural cleaning sprays do little more than smell fruity and leave streaks but shouldn’t they be cheaper without the laundry list of chemical additives thrown in? By the same rationale, organic vegetables should be more affordable without all the pricey pesticides sprayed on. Besides, both people and animals walk, piss and shit on the same earth that food grows in. If you can deal with that, a little toxic bug spray ain’t gonna add nothin’ but flavor to the dining experience. You might as well belly on up and enjoy your broccoli with a little Black Flag and mustard sauce!

Most of these so-called natural products aren’t much different than their forebears. For example, the advent of brown coffee filters just leaves me limp. They accomplish the same simple task that the Wonder whities do; they keep my coffee from getting crunchy. The fact that they were ever bleached like a porn star’s asshole in the first place was just someone’s way of pandering to the fears of White America. Wanna impress me? Stuff your soiled undies in the filter basket and brew your coffee with some genuine anal essence. Think of it as the ultimate form of recycling.

Green brands of toilet paper are an even bigger joke. If you wanna be natural about wiping yourself, try using some poison ivy leaves. That way, you can ponder your progressive stance while dribbling calamine lotion down your itchy ass crack. And while we’re all pretending to care so much, let’s indulge in some extra-nicotine cigarettes with a whole wheat filter. That’ll make it okay. How about downing a bottle of Jack Daniels infused with Omega-3 antioxidants? Can I offer you some multi-grain cotton candy? How about some low-sodium heroin? The majority of these products serve no other purpose than to make self-obsessed people feel better about themselves and the piggish lives they’ve led.

Embracing the color of snot and crap will not redeem anybody’s soul, save a single tree or grant another day of life. The illusion of caring has trumped any true love affair with nature that humans might once have possessed. Extolling  these products is like going to church to show off your new clothes. Happy Sunday, everybody.

 

brown coffee filters

Crap-flavored coffee filters can add an interesting zest to your morning java.

 

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12 Responses to It’s Not Easy Going Green

  1. Chrissy says:

    Wow Ant! – you nailed it.(A little vitriolic but hey, it needed to be said – and who does it better than you!) :]

    My personal bitch is the woman who pats herself on the back for buying a Prius and then pays extra for “Organic Grain-Fed Angus Beef” that was raised on one of the same factory farms that all of our “meat” comes from…Totally unaware that the cow (steer?)in it’s sad, sorry life, probably consumed more grain and water than a small African nation and farted more methane into the atmosphere than 10 Hummers – So much for reducing Her “footprint”…
    We need to make wiser choices – and you’re right, the repackaging of american consumerism into “Green” isn’t going to do us a damn bit of good as long as we continue to…ummm…CONSUME! in the rampant and irresponsible way that we do.
    Check out “Meet your Meat” or “Eating up the Amazon” – I think it’s a PETA thing – if you really want to know where your “Chicken McFuggets” come from.
    OK, I’ll get off my soapbox now…
    C:)

  2. antsrants says:

    Thanx for the awesome comment, Chrissy! Right you are. I don’t challenge the need for better health or a better environment. I just reject the packaging of it all for the convenience of those that aren’t willing to make wiser and more informed choices. An organic frozen box of diet lunch in recycled packaging may have its place of being convenient and occasionally tasty but I refuse to shit myself into thinking it’s going to change anything in the world or myself. We have a nation of Wal-Mart Warriors looking for a packaged revolution they can buy into. Green is a buzzword and little more. Real change isn’t pretty or convenient and most people wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole… unless the pole was on sale and tagged as eco-friendly, of course.

  3. Chrissy says:

    Hahaha! I hate Wal-mart. All the big box stores can bite me. Home Despot – bLowes….they all suck ass.

    My Aunt lived in Germany for back in the late 70’s – early 80’s (my uncle was stationed in Weisbaden) and she said, as a protest, the Germans would rip off the “packaging” of products like soap in boxes and just leave it in the store at the checkout. Too cool…

    • antsrants says:

      There’s plenty not to like about the big box stores but at the same time I appreciate how they make my life easier. I don’t enjoy Wal-Mart as an experience but the fact is, everything I need to wash and scrub every major orifice can be purchased there for the best price. I don’t need to hit four general stores to find what I need. I can get the shit over with quicker at the big W. I hate to admit it, but I am a slave to convenience when it comes to some stuff.

      • Renato Lacerda says:

        I’m completely in the same boat as you when it comes to Walmart. And that is the main reason why I hate walmart. Well, I don’t actually hate Walmart, what I hate is to go to Wallmart. The “Walmart fauna” is visually extremely depressing to me, and as a Libra individual that lives and visited several 3rd world countries it makes me question myself “why is that people qualify USA a 1st world country?”. But as long as allow the Washington retards to maintain the 1 minimum wage of 2010=1/2 minimum wage of 1960 we’ll be bonded to Walmart. Good job people that do not vote and think that ignoring the elections will “teach those people in Washington a lesson.” To these people, just take a look at Brazil’s latest 3 major president elections (a 12 years History) and learn what can and what can’t you do to a country by simple massive voting with a purpose even when all the candidates aren’t perfect people.

  4. vinny salmeri says:

    Don’t worry, those deep-fried dumplings are gluten-free.
    Having an allergy attack can really get in the way of the heart attack experience.

  5. vinny salmeri says:

    I think green sells better than brown. People always think of shit first when brown is involved. Tarantino got it so right in Reservoir Dogs. Kids won’t eat brown eggs, so they make them white.
    Stupid. Brown dried apricots – looks like someone’s droppings to me. Get those sulfites going and retain all that orange glory. Brown bread? Oh man, now that is a shit sandwich no matter what you put between the slices. Thank God for Wonder! Funny thing is, to make it white the wheat germ
    has to be removed. That is all the natural healthy goodness right there folks! Don’t worry they just turn around and sell that right back to us in health food stores – in packaging that I suppose eludes to earth friendly-ness with a green and brown
    color scheme.

  6. Ashley says:

    Nice post Ant, but I’ll have to disagree on something here. I understand that the cost is high, that’s something that we have to deal with for now. But the organic hate? There are some companies I’m sure who are a crock of shit, yes. But a lot of these ‘green’ companies and their ideas stem from recycling and global warming. Do you believe in recycling? Global warming is a stretch because a lot of us still don’t know much about it. Personally, being a vegan, I’m already spending a shit ton of money for tofu and veggies and fake meat so I’m used to that. Being green to me is saving the world by making small changes. Now, the foods without pesticides or different boxing MAY be a jip but people take the risk. It’s all about what you know. That being said, take a look at the non-organic food. People eat cheetos covered in all kinds of fatty fatty cheese, meat that’s been beaten and mistreated and dirtied up before it’s cooked and served on your platter, eggs & veggies going to people with all kinds of chemicals on them and don’t forget soda which can cause many health problems such as diabetes, heart disease, mental disorders, and so on. So, in a world where everything sucks, atleast organic sucks less. Peace.

    • antsrants says:

      “In a world where everything sucks, at least organic sucks less.” LMAO, that’s a great line Ashley. I lumped a couple of issues together and took them to an extreme simply to exaggerate the point that a lot of what is marketed to us is nothing more than shit on a stick. Of course, not all of the things I mentioned are bogus. In fact, I use brown coffee filters and they actually don’t taste like shit just coz they’re brown, lol. Being green to save the world is an awesome notion. I am sure that there are companies and products that are very genuine in that goal. Unfortunately though, sleazy advertisers have jumped on the bandwagon and cheapened the whole concept by selling the same old crap as healthy, natural or organic. What I am bashing is the gullibility of consumers to believe all the hype. I see broccoli as a very healthy food as it is even though it gets sprayed with D-Con and Raid. To pay considerably more for organic broc just isn’t feasible for me. If it was the same price, I’d do it and not even think about whether it was better or not. As far as shit like soda, I agree. That’s just bad for you period, so I avoid it as a general health rules. When it comes to chips and snacks, I am def on board with the natural stuff. Snacks are usually the worst thing for you in our Twinkie universe. I buy organic blue corn tortilla chips all the time, natural veggie crisps as well. There’s plenty of exceptions, for sure. As you obviously realize, it is very expensive to eat healthily whether or not you go the organic route. Thanks for the great comment.

  7. Leeann says:

    God, Tony. You are one cantankerous ass motherfucker! Rant on!

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