Half Past The Cow’s Ass: A Marketing Analysis

Half Past The Cow's Ass

T-Bone, America's favorite meat-eating mascot wants you to feel comfortable with the fact that most of his life was spent in a small wooden stall with no other purpose than to please his white abusive masters.

Ah! The creative engine at work. I stand in awe before the man who first placed a cow statue in front of a Steakhouse and said, Bon Appetit! After all, whose appetite wouldn’t be whetted by the appearance of a filthy farm animal swatting flies off its ass with its own tail? The logical extension of this would be to film a commercial where a bull yanks his balls, burps and says “Eat Me.” I can’t even imagine how much money would change hooves for that ad campaign. It’s udderly ridiculous.

As a restaurant entrepreneur, I would consider it imperative to disassociate the served entree from its animal source. This is particularly true, when the source has been known to eat its own feces out of sheer boredom. I mean, I’ve had many a boring day in my life but only occasionally considered such a thing as a means of entertainment. Certainly never more than 2 or 3 times a month, tops.

When I eat prime rib, I simply want to savor the flavor. I don’t want to visualize a lumbering beast dragging his ball bag behind him picking up splinters off the barn floor. Sure, that might add a hickory chip smoked flavor to the meat, but I could still do without the mental imagery. So please, promo guys, don’t try to entertain me with cartoon animals and life-size sculptures representing my dinner. It’s too close to reality for my taste. If I had my way, sirloin and chicken breasts would be punched with a cookie cutter to resemble hearts, clubs, spades and diamonds. I’d take a royal flush of protein over chicken clits and donkey dicks, any day.

Thankfully, most American food is mulched and processed beyond recognition, anyway. Pork pudding and chicken paste is just fine with me. I just don’t want to sit down for a feast and see anything as natural as an eyeball staring back up at me or a foot that wasn’t quite quick enough. So please, call it secret sauce if you want to but don’t tell us you had to squeeze the nut sack to get it. Bon Appetit!


7 Responses to Half Past The Cow’s Ass: A Marketing Analysis

  1. Angela says:

    Well, That took my appetite away for the evening… LOL.. It is udderly ridiculous..hahaha, chix clits and donkey dicks? Hmmm, not sure were your eating out at, but here in the Dairy Land, we don’t do that.. Now YOU gave me yet another sick visual…. Thanx man.. Hahaha.. good rant tho!

    • vinny salmeri says:

      So what is better death or torture? Well, the cows that are used for milk are shot up with hormones, steroids all that shit and kept in a permanent state of pregnancy. Why? To yield milk all the time. More milk, more money. They live in misery. Guess next time I see those cute cow cartoons in the Ben and Jerry artwork I’ll have to remind myself of those painful bloated bellies. Good call AntMan.

  2. DEANNA says:

    Lol Ant! good one! I don’t think I wanna eat meat now!

  3. Ashley says:

    Couldn’t agree more. Don’t eat the stuff anyway, but if I still did I would not want to see it. Chik-Fil-A is clever though…they use a cow which you ARENT eating. Haha. The splinter part made me cringe…ouch!

  4. stephanie riehle says:

    Seriously- and what’s up with the pig in an apron at BBQ joints- are we to believe that this pig is cheerfully grilling up his family fro our dining pleasure!

  5. Chrissy says:

    Good call yourself, Vin – humans are the only mammals that consume the lactation (of other mammals) beyond the stage when we’re ready to take on solid food. (gross) Could you honestly see yourself picking up a jug of “Mom’s Milk”?

    Not that I’m not ready to accept cheeses into my life… but seriously, what’s up with the factory farms?!?!?
    Dollar dollar bill, yeah.
    Swore off the “meat” years ago and ain’t never lookin’ back…
    Ant- I disagree with your cookie cutter idea. All the pre-packaged “Family packs” in the meat cooler at the grocery store totally dissociate the average american consumer from the pain and suffering these animals endure.

    Personally, I think everyone who eats animals should have to go out and kill them….Shoot ’em, reel ’em in, wring their necks whatever…but give them grace and decency…and look them in the eye while the life-light fades. See how hungry you really are…
    Can you tell I feel pretty strong about this issue?

  6. antsrants says:

    Actually, I eat the hell out of meat, I can just do without the idiotic advertising that goes along with it. Good point, Chrissy. I may very well feel differently if I had to kill the poor critter myself. Maybe Ted Nugent is onto something, lol.

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