House Rules (And Things You Should Know Before Visiting)

Your safety is important here at Ant's Rants Central. For that reason, management suggests you party responsibly with a hard hat, safety goggles and knee pads in place.

  1. Please evacuate your bowels before entering my home. There is a port-a-potty at the construction site two blocks down, I’m sure you passed it on the way in. If nature calls while you’re here, at least use the amply supplied Courtesy Spray and turn on the Electric Fart Fan. Thank you.
  2. If you bring Schlitz to the party and I catch you drinking Guinness, you’re getting bounced.
  3. Nothing legal may be smoked under my roof.
  4. If you’re fortunate enough to be dining here, don’t ask to have your food prepared in a special way or to have certain ingredients left out. It’s all cooked the same for everyone. This ain’t a Diner and my name ain’t Mel. Allergic to something? Suck up a Benadryl or scratch your itchy ass. There’s a McDonalds next to the port-a-potty. Pick-up, Dingy!
  5. Don’t park on my lawn unless you plan on grading the soil and laying new sod in the morning.
  6. Yes, the dog bites but don’t worry, he’s never killed on purpose.
  7. Unless numerous cell phone conversations somehow pertain to your visit, please don’t use my home as a phone booth. You’re not as popular as you think you are and unless you’re a drug dealer or a bookie, your business should be conducted during normal working hours far the fuck away from my hearing range.
  8. Unless your next paycheck covers the cost of a leather sectional, I suggest you avoid my furniture while showing off how much wine you can drink on an empty stomach.
  9. If you’re here to party, don’t ask me to turn on the TV. Stay home if you want to lounge out, watch the game and scratch your balls with a turkey leg. Fact is, I really don’t care if  “your team” is playing. Besides, unless you own stock in a bunch of guys in tight pants with low IQs, they are not really “your team.” Trust me, they don’t care how YOU spend YOUR Sunday.
  10. Happy drunks are always welcome to party here. As for the others, I have a locking broom closet that doubles as a drunk tank. It holds enough oxygen to sustain you for 41 minutes. I suggest you settle down quickly.
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7 Responses to House Rules (And Things You Should Know Before Visiting)

  1. Angela says:

    Well, I guess I will never be dining there then, as I hate onions and peppers… Just throw me some God damned Feta… And I think it would be appropriate to maybe make my plate special considering I would have traveled a long way just to puke, piss, and possibly have a little anal leakage on your sofa. But I am a happy drunk, very happy drunk, I just seem to make the drunk ppl around my happy drunk self, not so happy.. lol

  2. antsrants says:

    I’m not entirely sure that I like your attitude, Angela. Perhaps, you need 42 minutes in the broom closet, eh? Ahh.. What the hell, I’ll let it slide since you were the first (only) one to comment thus far, lol. Anal leakage can def be a problem. I’ve found Adult Depends to be quite uncomfortable but a wet cork plugged into the anus can really do the trick and control the brown dripping.

  3. Chrissy says:

    OK Ant, here are my top ones.
    1) If you have to take a leak and you’re at the point where you are fairly unsteady and your aim is off? Please use the outdoor “facilities”. Wiping up man pee off the floor, walls and mirror of the bathroom is not something anyone should have to do.
    2) (Very similar to the “Shlitz sentiment”) Show up at my house empty handed and then drink all my wine? Banned for Life…Liquor stores don’t open up until 9:00 am around here, you know.
    3)Puking on my patio should be immediately be cleaned up and hosed off by a more sober member of whomever you brought with you. This is not a job for Superhostess. (Thanks Nick, BTW if you read this) haha 🙂
    4)When I tell you to “Stay and make yourself at home” this does not mean it’s OK to make yourself a sandwich in the wee hours and leave a mayo jar filled with tuna fish crimes open out on the counter for me to find in the morning.
    5)I put out guest towels for guests. My bath towel is not to be used for your personal hygiene.
    6)If you meant to queef one, but something else happened…please gently excuse yourself and go outside and sleep under the nearest bush. I’ll bring you a blanket and then some coffee in the morning.
    7)OK, this one’s personal. When seeing me really drunk and sleepy and falling out of my chair yawning, please do not jingle your keys in the doorway and talk to me for the next 2 hours. Hahaha
    (Actually I think we were Both talking…although I don’t remember what about…)

    • antsrants says:

      Ha, ha, love it! Nice additions. I’m glad you could relate, Crissy. Geez, I can’t believe I got called out on key-jingling and lengthy good-byes, lol.

      • Chrissy says:

        C’mon man, jingling keys? Those were the best of times and the worst of times….Oh wait, I think I might be plagiarizing here…

        Believe me, I’ve got PLENTY more where those came from.(Most sad but true, BTW)

  4. Ashley says:

    I could add a couple if I may:

    1. Leave the DRAMA at the door.
    2. If someone invites you over, don’t hide in a corner with your self-pity wishing you had a significant other. Chances are, if you were invited you aren’t the loser you think you are.
    3. Don’t drink all the booze in 15 minutes, pass out on the floor while laying in your own vomit and call it a ‘party’ in the morning. The person who had to clean up your shit wasn’t ‘partying’.

    Likin’ the new blog deal here. Will be catching up on all the stuff I missed on purpose ;-P Hehe, just kidding of course. You always have an interesting read!

    • antsrants says:

      Good point about cleaning up other people’s puke. Nothing is worse than having to babysit your guests as they have an involuntary protein spill all over the new recliner.

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