Bubbles The Chimp Speaks Out About Life With Michael Jackson And Discusses His New Tell-All Book

“Hiding Bananas: Life with Michael Jackson” is a recently released tell-all book by Bubbles the Chimp and published by Cheezee Books.  The first time author and longtime simian companion of the late pop star pulls no punches as he details life with the controversial performer. No stone is left unturned as fans finally get an inside view of Michael Jackson’s world through the eyes of the ape family’s most fascinating member. Bubbles sat down with us to discuss the book and share some memories.

Q: Why write the book, Bubbles?

Bubbles: “Well, I wanted to clear up the misconceptions. I mean, Michael Jackson was my best friend and a great playmate. You know, he’s the only human who ever defended me when I was referred to as a monkey. I mean, apes have been around since the beginning of time. How can people not tell one species from another? I thought you skin-bags were supposed to be educated. So many times I held my tongue when I just wanted to yell, Dude I’m a f***ing chimpanzee, okay? Do you see a tail? I didn’t think so! Michael was smart though and always defended me as best as he could with that squeaky-ass voice of his. Nobody put me down when MJ was on the scene. He was good to me like that. He was big-hearted.”

Q: Big-hearted in what way? Did he help others as well?

Bubbles: “Well yeah, actually he did. One time he even helped my Uncle Bonzo get cleared of rape charges after a drunken night in the gorilla tank. Uncle B always did have a thing for big chicks, ha ha. Michael saw to it though that the charges were dropped. Musta paid a grip. It meant the world to me. Michael knew the value of a smart ape by his side. That’s why I stuck with him for so long… even during his stupid Elephant Man phase.”

Q: What did you two do for fun together?

Bubbles: “You know, everybody assumed that I just followed Michael around like a stupid monkey getting dressed up in costumes just to watch TV with him or have our picture taken. The fact is, Michael was very giving of himself. He respected me and my culture. He was always asking ‘What would you like to do today, Bubbles?’ It meant a lot to me that he was willing to partake in my simian customs. We’d each run to a corner of the room and masturbate madly until our hands fell numb. Other times, we’d throw feces around for hours just for shits and giggles. I used to kid him about picking up his own poop but he insisted that he didn’t mind. I’d say “Michael, it’s ok to use a glove. You’re human, you know” but he was fine with it. People don’t realize it but that single white glove thing that he did on stage began as a private poop-throwing joke between the two of us. It was his way of winking at me and letting me know I was his best friend.”

Q: What type of revelations can we expect from your book, Bubbles?

Bubbles: “Well, that Moonwalk that people always credit him with, was actually something I came up with. Yeah, he needed a signature move so I showed him how I used to defecate in the jungle while walking backwards so I could scope out the scene for predators. I mean, he made it his own, don’t get me wrong. The original idea, though… That was all about the Bubbler, bro.”

Q: What else? Was he really as shy as he seemed?

Bubbles: “That assumption always bothered me. I mean, when Michael was around his own skin-bag species, he played the bashful card in a big way. It worked well for him, too. But, believe me; he was a guy who really went after what he wanted. With me, he was always forward… VERY forward.”

Q: Did you ever see Michael angry or upset?

Bubbles: “Michael was pretty affable as long as he got what he wanted. Although, one time… well, he did bite me once.”

Q: He bit you? Michael Jackson, greatest artist of our time bit you… a chimpanzee?

Bubbles: “Hey! Watch it with that tone, buster! I got attorneys on speed-dial, you know. I’m connected! Look, it was my own fault anyway. When the King of Pop asks for the red crayon, you damned well better give it to him. Okay? Next question.

Q: What about drugs, Bubbles?

Bubbles: “No, but thank you. I’m clean now, 11 days sober. Thank you Dr. Drew!”

Q: I mean, did you ever see Michael use drugs?

Bubbles: (pause) “I mean…you… you’d have to define, ahem… drugs (cough) for me to effectively answer that question. I mean, I’m a friggin’ chimp, what do I know?”

Q: Let me rephrase that for you. Did you ever see Michael take prescription pills? And did he ever offer you any of those pills?

Bubbles: “Look, I slept in a locked crib in the guy’s bedroom. He didn’t tell me everything. I mean one time he offered me some uppers but I refused. I was already having problems kicking the blow and didn’t want my heart to explode in my sleep leaving fur all over the guy’s satin pajamas. I’m good about stuff like that. ”

Q: Did you know his family?

Bubbles: “Not really. I mean, we’d met but weren’t close. The brothers were all envious of me. They refused to see me as their equal, they had species-bias. I could’ve schooled those jerks on evolution, you know. Jermaine and Tito kept coming around trying to get Michael to do reunion tours with them, but my man was too content wiping my crack and cleaning my urine off the walls. Marlon and Jackie were just pathetic, though. I had no respect for them. I put them on par with the two youngest kids from the Partridge Family. Good for nothing but smacking on tambourines and triangles.”

Q: What about LaToya?

Bubbles: “Nice rack, but I wouldn’t touch her… and I’m a friggin’ monkey”

Q: Chimpanzee

Bubbles: “Whatever.” (lights cigarette)

Q: Bubbles, what do you know about this dermatologist who might or might not be the father of Michael’s child?

Bubbles: “Well, he ain’t much of a dermatologist that’s for sure, ha ha. I mean, if Michael faded anymore, he’d have looked like a shower door. I’d have fired that skin guy years ago.”

Q: And the children?

Bubbles: “Hey, who knows? A lot of people worked under the Big Top, know what I mean? Sure, I’ve heard things, lots of things. Chapter 7 in my book is called ‘Ear Of The Ape.’ Let’s just say that people talk very candidly in front of you when they see you as a lower primate. I learned to use that.”

Q: You slept in Michael’s bedroom, Bubbles. Did you ever witness sexual relations between him and Debbie Rowe, mother of 2 of his children?

Bubbles: “Dude, please. I may be simian but I can still puke. I already told you, Jacko yanked his banana with the jungle’s pimp-daddy on a regular basis. No one in their right mind would trade that in just to rock the double-wide, get my drift?”

Q: Not really, but we’ll move on. Bubbles, in 2001 you moved out of Neverland Ranch for reportedly aggressive behavior. What’s the story behind that?

Bubbles: “Aggressive, my ass. I’ve never hurt anybody who didn’t deserve it. The PR people threw you guys a bone with that bogus story. In actuality, Michael and I had a falling out. He was bothered by my newfound admiration for Justin Timberlake. I mean, JT was a young upcoming star with a style not unlike Michael’s. What was not to like? Michael was sensitive though. He felt rejected. It got ugly; he even called me a racist baboon. I knew it was time to go.

Q: Did the friendship ever recover?

Bubbles: “Yeah, a couple years later we bumped into each other at Emmanuel Lewis’ birthday bash. We clicked right away as if nothing ever happened. It was amazing. I actually moved back in with him about two years ago. We kept it off the radar, though. You media monkeys were being pretty cruel to Michael at that point. The guy didn’t need the publicity. MJ needed my support and I’m proud to have been there for him.”

Q: So do you miss Michael now that he’s gone?

Bubbles: “Well, sure. Of, course. I mean, it was a great gig. I loved it. He’d always take the time to play Hide The Banana with me. He tucked me into bed ‘bout every night. We shared a toothbrush. He was great. Michael brushed my fur as if I was a woman’s head. He’d go on tour and bring me back exotic cigars and good cognac from around the world. What ape wouldn’t miss that?” (snivels, wipes tears)

Q: Do you think Michael might be looking over us now?

Bubbles: Oh Geez, I hope not! I crapped in his glove drawer this morning. Oh, ah… as an homage, I mean.

Q: Bubbles, some critics say that you are capitalizing on Michael Jackson’s death. How do you respond to these charges?

Bubbles: “Well, they can all bite my furry ass! Until they’ve walked in the shiny silver shoes Michael bought me, they have no right to judge me. Instead, they should buy my new book “Hiding Bananas: Life With Michael Jackson” available now through Cheezee Books. I’m in talks with a major Hollywood studio concerning a film adaptation of my journey. Meanwhile, I can be seen weekly on VH1 in my reality-TV dating show called “Blowing Bubbles.”

Your humbled blogger getting his ass groped by a true star.

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One Response to Bubbles The Chimp Speaks Out About Life With Michael Jackson And Discusses His New Tell-All Book

  1. Brett says:

    This is just hilarious Ant…thanks for a good laugh!!!

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