A Traveler’s Guide To Rest Area Shopping Sprees

tryptophan_air_freshenerAs summer approaches, U.S. travelers both legal and illegal will be hitting the highways of this grating nation to rest, relax and spend time with family and friends. As we traverse those long, lonesome miles of nothingness, we’ll undoubtedly find ourselves refueling and recuperating at those lovely bastions of human freakishness, the truck stop rest area. Where else could we so justifiably gawk and point at our fellow humanoids as if they were extras from the cantina scene in Star Wars? With our bladders joyfully emptied, we’ll proceed to drop coin on the most trivial dung since Ashton Kutcher was permitted on film. Our pockets shall overfloweth with snacks, pills, trinkets and a variety of bacterial strains. We’ll buy anything and everything to help amuse, distract and indulge ourselves while annoying, pestering and prodding those around us. Such is the road of the weary traveler. Let us hope that good taste will prevail as we present:

(Least?) Favorite Truck Stop Purchases

  1. Ass-flavored chewing gum to improve road-breath
  2. Extra-Large Expanding Nicotine Suppositories with super-soft ramrod
  3. Map of Middle Earth Whorehouses
  4. Candy coated arsenic tabs
  5. Replacement teeth- Now in Yellowish!
  6. Snortable sugar packets with family size straw assortment
  7. Donger Dave’s Little Doo-Doo Drops (from the makers of Turdinets)
  8. Anthrax-soaked (but otherwise, sanitary) Handi-Wipes
  9. Underwear Realignment Kit
  10. Sour Hitchhiker Balls
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