Things I Should Have Left Off Of My Resumé/Job Application

August 12, 2013

resume_exclusions10. Job History: Four years as an exotic wood dildo-whittler

9. Social Work: Veteran volunteer of experimental drug testing

8. Picture of myself running the Annual Winter Nude-A-Thon FootRace

7. Awards: 2010 All-State Beer-Funnel Champion

6. Gaps in Employment: Can’t recall a single day between February 2008 and April 2009 but I apparently moved from a 2-story townhouse to an alleyway dumpster

5. Objective: To bang every hot chick in the office

4.  Hobbies: Collecting celebrity belly-button lint

3. Accomplishments: Inspiring worker unrest and inciting management-overthrow at my last two jobs this month

2. Arrest Record: Convicted of roughing up a Glory-Hole Attendant for letting somebody cut in line ahead of me

1. Special Skills: Verbally dismantling authority figures and making them cry

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