10. Job History: Four years as an exotic wood dildo-whittler
9. Social Work: Veteran volunteer of experimental drug testing
8. Picture of myself running the Annual Winter Nude-A-Thon FootRace
7. Awards: 2010 All-State Beer-Funnel Champion
6. Gaps in Employment: Can’t recall a single day between February 2008 and April 2009 but I apparently moved from a 2-story townhouse to an alleyway dumpster
5. Objective: To bang every hot chick in the office
4. Hobbies: Collecting celebrity belly-button lint
3. Accomplishments: Inspiring worker unrest and inciting management-overthrow at my last two jobs this month
2. Arrest Record: Convicted of roughing up a Glory-Hole Attendant for letting somebody cut in line ahead of me
1. Special Skills: Verbally dismantling authority figures and making them cry