Things I Should Have Left Off Of My Resumé/Job Application

August 12, 2013

resume_exclusions10. Job History: Four years as an exotic wood dildo-whittler

9. Social Work: Veteran volunteer of experimental drug testing

8. Picture of myself running the Annual Winter Nude-A-Thon FootRace

7. Awards: 2010 All-State Beer-Funnel Champion

6. Gaps in Employment: Can’t recall a single day between February 2008 and April 2009 but I apparently moved from a 2-story townhouse to an alleyway dumpster

5. Objective: To bang every hot chick in the office

4.  Hobbies: Collecting celebrity belly-button lint

3. Accomplishments: Inspiring worker unrest and inciting management-overthrow at my last two jobs this month

2. Arrest Record: Convicted of roughing up a Glory-Hole Attendant for letting somebody cut in line ahead of me

1. Special Skills: Verbally dismantling authority figures and making them cry


Top Ten Tips For A Successful Job Interview

January 16, 2011

 

Today's job market practically demands sexual favors from applicants.

  1. A shot of whiskey helps get the smell of beer off your breath
  2. Ask your interviewer if pants are required by the company dress code
  3. Suggest Wedgie Wednesday as part of Theme Week to help boost employee morale
  4. Dress for Success: denim cut-offs, rope belt and riding boots are a must!
  5. Compliment the female interviewer, “Nice caboose! What time does the train leave?”
  6. Refuse to answer any questions without your lawyers present
  7. Really loud flatulence never fails to break the ice and ease tensions
  8. Avoid mentioning the pending lawsuits you have against your previous 5 employers
  9. Show the interviewer naked pictures of your spouse from the county fair freak show
  10. Use industrial-strength, high-impact knee pads