Headlines We’d Love To Read (but never will)

May 23, 2012
  1. Cigarette Smoke Found To Kill Cancer Cells In Humans
  2. Gas Prices Plunge As Human Feces Revealed As Revolutionary New Super-Fuel
  3. Captain Morgan Introduces Liver Fortifying Rum With Anti-Toxins
  4. Scientists Prove Exercise Shortens Life Span And Spreads Cellulite
  5. Mandatory Drunkenness Law Enacted To Liven Up Dull Cities
  6. Snooki Announces Early Retirement From Public Life
  7. Marriage Licenses Now Issued With 3-Year Expiration Date With Option To Renew
  8. Weather Alert: It’s Raining Valium!
  9. Beyonce Reveals Sexual Obsession With Sarcastic White Guys Shorter Than Her
  10. Nutritionists Reclassify The 4 Basic Food Groups As Pizza, Beer, French Fries And Painkillers
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New Year’s Resolutions… and other fairy tales

January 2, 2011

I promise to cut down on glue-sniffing in the new year.

Happy New Year, suckers! It’s New Year’s Day, the official bullshitter’s holiday. On no other day of the year do more people shovel shit than on the first day of the year (or the last day of the year, if they planned ahead.) Who is shitting who, you ask? Well, anybody that reserves a special day to express an intention to change is clearly rolling turds uphill.
The very concept of a personal resolution kicking off on a specific day at a specific time is ludicrous. Anybody serious about doing something is just gonna do it. The only time for change is Now. I can’t take it seriously when somebody says “After the New Year, I’m gonna tear down my crystal meth lab, quit using and open an orphanage.” Empty promises are useless even when made to ourselves. So, if your treadmill and weight bench spent more time as a clothes hanger for your dirty drawers over the last twelve months, chances are the coming year won’t be much different. Just be real about it and don’t bother telling yourself and everybody else that you’re gonna be the next Jack LaLanne when in fact, you consider tying your shoes to be exercise. Chances are, you never even tried that Juicer that you got for Christmas last year.
The same applies to the other pseudo-goals we hear people talk about at the end of the year. Quitting smoking doesn’t sound feasible in the new year when the person decides to triple-up on cigarettes in the current year to make up for lost cancer cells in the future. Going on a diet in 2011 sounds great but if you’re ending 2010 by breaking into a Carvel and devouring their inventory, you’re heading for failure. Tomorrow never comes when it limits indulgence.
As it is, the concept of a New Year is merely a marker in our lives. There is no physical change that affects us directly. New Year’s resolutions are just concocted promises to make ourselves feel empowered. Life is an evolutionary process. Live it, change it, do it. If your dream is to become a lens cleaner on the set of  XXX films, then go for it. Waiting for a year-end pseudo-holiday to declare it so, only wastes time and energy while annoying the people who have to listen to you. So unless your resolution is to shut up about your resolutions, do us all a favor and just do it.