Headlines We’d Love To Read (but never will)

1. Cigarette Smoke Found To Kill Cancer Cells In Humans
2. Gas Prices Plunge As Human Feces Revealed As Revolutionary New Super-Fuel
3. Captain Morgan Introduces Liver Fortifying Rum With Anti-Toxins
4. Scientists Prove Exercise Shortens Life Span And Spreads Cellulite
5. Mandatory Drunkenness Law Enacted To Liven Up Dull Cities
6. Snooki Announces Early Retirement From Public Life
7. Marriage Licenses Now Issued With 3-Year Expiration Date With Option To Renew
8. Weather Alert: It’s Raining Valium!
9. Beyonce Reveals Sexual Obsession With Sarcastic White Guys Shorter Than Her
10. Nutritionists Reclassify The 4 Basic Food Groups As Pizza, Beer, French Fries And Painkillers