Best (or worst) Christmas Presents Received (or returned) this Year

December 26, 2013

ShittyGifts
10. Package of Infini-Dong Reusable Condoms with Deluxe Drying Tree

9. Pet Hamster from the Richard Gere Habitat for Rodent Preservation and Intestinal Exploration

8. My First Buzz: Little-Bee Starter Pot Farm

7. Dr. Breasticles’ Home Implant Kit- Now with extra blades!

6. Famous Anus Recliner Chair: Reshape your ass to emulate the posterior of your favorite celebs with genuine molded ass-a-like seats!

5. Santa’s Sack Warmer: The rechargeable underwear heater for men

4. Gift Certificate for the Kardashian Love Line Advice Network

3. Dashboard Deep Fryer

2. Senior’s Stripper Pole with shock absorbent chair lift and safety rails

1. Booger Pouch


Future Federal Spending Might Include Gifts For Celebri-Spawn

June 23, 2013

taxpayer_dollarsIt’s no secret that the U.S. government collects billions of dollars through sales and payroll taxes. That’s hard-earned money yanked out of our pockets leaving us with little more than chump change, cotton lint and that emergency condom that’s been around so long you might as well start picking names for the kid that would likely ensue from its use. So aside from the well-documented uses such as infrastructure, foreign aid and social programs, where else does that tax money go? Millions of dollars are quietly put towards pet projects and clandestine causes that rarely get reported. Are these ventures justified or merely frivolous bullshit pushed forth by selfish pud-pulling politicians? Only you can decide.

Best & Worst Uses of Taxpayer Dollars (that you didn’t know about)
10. Investment in the  Steven Segal Center for Cultural Arts, Squinting & Ponytail Styling.

9. Scholarship for the Happy-Lap Grinding Course at the Stripper Institute of America.

8. Funding production of a career spanning 7-minute DVD of Pauly Shore’s funniest moments.

7. Recruitment of congressmen to form a world class pocket-pool team for 2016 Olympics.

6. Passing a bill to block the reformation or reunion of any boy band… ever.

5. Sending Edible Arrangement baskets to suspected terrorists throughout the world to expose them to the joys of western gluttony.

4. Compensation for graduates/victims of The Dick Cheney Hunting School.

3. Federally backed appointment of Jerry Springer as Ambassador of Self esteem to accompany his Certificate of Achievement in Chair-Throwing & Weave-Pulling.

2. Enacting a nationwide gag order on all celebrities wishing to speak outside their immediate area of expertise. Yeah, I’m looking at you Paula Deen.

1. Construction of a time machine to dial back the decades and halt the seed of all things Kardashian.