Insiders Suspect Douglas Cancer-Claim A Cunning Hoax

June 9, 2013

Michael_DouglasIn recent days, acclaimed thespian Michael Douglas has created quite the media frenzy with the revelation that he’d contracted throat cancer while clam-diving on the Welsh coast. The cunnilingus theory conveniently sidesteps the longtime smoker’s apparent need to lick ashtrays clean after every cigarette… even after other people smoke. While the HPV virus is undeniably and horribly real, some believe that the Wall Street actor’s announcement was nothing more than a pubic-ity stunt.

The announcement, Douglas claims, was to help spread awareness of the health perils involved with oral sex. For many, a nicely printed brochure would have sufficed. Yet, others prefer a press junket, world spotlight and the complete humiliation of their spouse and family. To each his own, I suppose. Researchers and participants alike have long documented the customary injuries that can accompany this otherwise joyful act including broken noses, sprained tongue and squirt-blindness. This is the first time, however, a high-profile celebrity such as Michael Douglas has stepped forward to expound upon the dangers of box lunches. Although applauded by some for his bravery, his message has garnered him a number of detractors, as well. A former colleague of the actor contacted the press on the condition of anonymity yesterday to raise allegations of idiocy, grandstanding and pomposity against the Basic Instinct star.

“Far as I think, it’s all about that Candle Bra movie he just made. He don’t want nobody thinkin’ he’s all into boys like that Liverace guy was” said the source who insisted that his own heterosexuality be noted.

Behind The Candelabra was a highly successful HBO movie starring Michael Douglas as homosexual musician, Liberace. The actor was critically acclaimed for his performance as the flamboyant penist. By this rationale, Douglas could simply be trying to disassociate himself from the dong-centric activities of the man he portrayed so well. After all, Hollywood is all about showboating and he certainly wouldn’t be the first really old gorilla to pound his chest to prove he’s got cojones. But why he would publicly link the exploits of his lingua with throat cancer of all things remains a mystery. Were all the hookers on strike? Is he gearing up to be a spokesman for saran wrap? For all that’s known, maybe he was added to the Phillip Morris payroll in exchange for keeping the heat off of them. The unidentified source has his own theory on the matter “That man has got to be the dumbest fuckin’ moron, I ever did see.”

Hitting even closer to home for Douglas comes an anonymous family member to challenge the actor’s claim even further. The clandestinely cloaked source, only identified herself as Ms. Z and said “That son of a bitch looks like an unwrapped mummy. He is damned lucky to have a hot young wife at home, tri-polar or not! How dare he tour the talk show circuit just to dispute the cleanliness of my… I mean, his lovely wife’s wookie-cave.” Suffice to say, Michael Douglas is one Academy Award winner that can expect a lot of upcoming lonely nights sleeping on the couch.

The origin of Douglas’ disease may never truly be known but only a true tool would use their gullet as a smoke tunnel while blaming the poontang. Whether or not there really was something rotten in the bait shop seems irrelevant. Sexual activity just doesn’t belong in the media spotlight as a means of publicity. It belongs where it always has, in the kitchens, backyards and coat closets of America. It belongs in the backseats of Chevys and on top of the washing machine you keep on your front porch. It belongs in magazine subscriptions and in that hidden folder on your computer. Hey Michael, just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you have to be a dick.


1. Cancer sucks

2. Michael Douglas is a great actor

3. Michael Douglas is a fucking moron