Dear Nabisco: A Letter of Dissension from an Angry Oreo Aficionado

September 21, 2014
You don't mess with a man's munchies. You just don't.

You don’t mess with a man’s munchies. You just don’t.

First, I’d like it to be known that I am in my fourth decade as a drooling gorger of the snack world’s greatest creation, the Oreo Cookie. Barely a day goes by that I don’t gobble, grind and swallow a sleeve or two of these wondrous caloric delights. Prior to a heavy snacking session, I’ve even been known to crush, powder and snort a few choclatey biscuit rails as a preface to the joy that will follow. The very concept of these marvelous stacks still seems revolutionary to me a full century after their inception! The Nabisco Research & Development team must’ve really been smoking the good stuff back in 1912. I mean, who else would have thought of bookending a pair of cocoa wafers around a patty of pure-white poisonous paste?! Well, technically, of course that would be the Sunshine Company that created the Hydrox sandwich cookie years earlier, but who even tracks those things other than Wikipedia? My point is that I have faithfully stuck by the Oreo brand even in the face of their colossal fuck-ups such as watermelon, banana split, and ass-fudge filling. In return for such loyalty, Nabisco has sunk to a low that qualifies as their most heinous crime ever against the Oreo institution and billions of rabid snackers, stoners and trans-fat fans.

To be direct, I hereby charge The Oreo Institute of America of shortchanging the public on the amount of jizz between their wafers. You should know that my allegations don’t stem from the mere musings of a munchie-driven ganja fiend. Physical research has been conducted in order to verify what started simply as paranoid suspicion. Extensive lab testing has confirmed the beat count you are attempting to pass off as a satisfactory volume of frothy filling. In essence, The National Biscuit Company has been skimping on the neuro-toxic wadding in order to save money. Well, let me tell you something you lousy crumb-counters, the pasty sweet stickum has fallen far below the quantity needed to effectively provide structural integrity to the cookie. We are not talking about a simple single-layered dessert organism here. Physics come into play with a creation as complex as a sandwich cookie. You more than anyone should realize that the security of the assembled piece hinges crucially upon the contact area of the bleached-putty, patty-face. Vacuum is a principle you seem to have forgotten, which is surprising when one considers how much you really suck for fucking with a good formula. Cream filling to a cookie stack is much more than what frosting is to a cake; it functions as a sealant to bond two bisections. Yet, you’ve allowed your manufacturing minions to reduce it to meaningless gelatinous muck. This attrition in volume not only robs connoisseurs such as myself of the Oreo’s very essence, but creates an unstable snack structure that falls apart as soon as it is airborne en route to the gullet.

My testing began with calipers ensuring that the thickness of the two pseudo-chocolate discs hadn’t changed, which they have not. At least that much is held sacred (for now.) However, using a freshly calibrated drop-gauge, I found that the cream filling itself (or lack, thereof) was negatively effecting the overall thickness of the snack. Worse than that, ultrasonic testing revealed that there were gaping air pockets within the filling which would ultimately act as sink holes denying the wafers the proper vacuum seal needed to hold the entire assemblage together. Collapse is inevitable under these conditions. Even the more progressive-minded munchers that dissect the confection for de-creaming across their central and lateral incisors are essentially robbed of the complete noshing experience. “Hollow” is just not a word that should describe a dessert. I realize that sugary lard may not be the cheapest ingredient in the world but with increased sales due to marijuana legalization, Nabisco can certainly afford to give us a properly constructed cookie that doesn’t fall the fuck apart between the daintiest of fingers. Granted, the dog is quite happy with my lapful of crumbs but then again, he isn’t the one paying for the damned cookies, is he?

I’d also like to take issue with the Oreo Marketing Department. No favors are being done to the English language by dropping a crucial consonant from your “Double Stuf” cookies. Was this initially a typo that you decided to ride out as opposed to eating crow? By any stretch of logic, the pronunciation is no different than the properly spelled “stuff.” I can assure you that there is nothing clever about acting stupid, my friends. I am desperately trying to look past the fact that this abysmal creation of a cookie holds barely a pittance more filling than the original cookies once possessed. Double, my ass! I see where this game is going. Nabisco is once again trying to stiff the consumer, or should I say “stif?” So, thanks for shitting on the last cornerstone of American awesomeness, you greedy cream-scrapers. The terrorists have officially won.

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Local Drug Dealers Protesting Dog Shit in the Parks

June 6, 2011

Giant turd harmlessly enjoying a good buzz in the park.

Dozens of area drug dealers have banded together to formally protest the mass quantities of un-scooped dog shit littering city parks. The group insists that their livelihood is being threatened by the minefield of  turds that pepper the pathways on which they conduct business. Although irresponsible pet owners have long abused liberal ordinances concerning pet clean-up, this is the first time an organized front has been formed in protest. As the city’s largest economic contributor, dope peddlers could prove to have considerable sway in the matter.

A mid-level pill pusher speaking on the condition of anonymity spoke openly about the movement’s core issues, “It’s a big turn-off for our customers, see? Especially these uptown honkies slippin’ out after dark to get their meds. They ain’t used to the smell of piss and shit everywhere, and it makes ’em real uneasy, ya dig? Well, that’s bad for business. I like my clients relaxed and comfortable so I can do some up-sellin’, yeah. Instead, they’s gagging coz somebody’s pooch ate some grapes and sprayed diarrhea all over da park. Mother fuckas need to clean that shit up, see?” The complaint has validity, as statistics show illegal drug sales dropping sharply. This, in turn, has city coordinators in a panic as their revenues are intrinsically tied with the success of local dealers. Until recently, smack vendors in particular have proven to be a great ally to the Parks & Recreation Department. This relationship cannot afford to be strained come election season.

One of the city’s top merchants of crack cocaine cites other problems with non-scooping dog walkers “Yo, I’m Big G, 555-2106. You make the call, I got it all. But, yeah. Ya’ll gots to start baggin’ them dog shits, man. My main man, B-Rock got grabbed by da Po-Po coz they found the trail of brown, bro! Sucker left dog shit foot prints halfway through the park, couldn’t even hide. That’s some selfish-ass PetSmart shit right there. Mother fuckers never heard of a pooper scooper? Man, I’m tryin’ to provide a service here!” The mayor’s office responded to Mr. G’s concerns with the following statement, “We here at City Hall are very concerned with this matter. Business entrepreneurs like Big G and his Blow Factory need to be protected from reckless and uncaring citizens. It is the position of this office to nurture the efforts of him and other businesses such as Crystal Meth-Mart. Pet owners need to understand that they are only hurting themselves by inhibiting the work of these outstanding economic supporters and social servants.”

Civilians have complained about doo-doo in the parks for years, but to no avail. Instead, they were forced to hopscotch down the paths in hopes that they didn’t pounce on a softie. Surveys have shown that most people would rather buy new shoes than pick shit out of their sneaker treads. Although that has benefitted businesses like Payless Shoes, local government receives no kickback and therefore has ignored the issue, until now. With economic stability at stake, it seems that some resolution must come out of this matter. Big G took a parting shot at pet-owners and regulators before commencing with the night’s business, “Bad enough I can’t sell during the day ’round here. Least when the sun’s out, I can see turd piles and swarms of fuckin’ flies. Can’t see nuthin’ at night, man. Y’all want da good shit, ya best pick up da bad shit.”