Elf Goes Rogue, Blows Whistle On Santa Claus And Shitty Labor Conditions

December 22, 2013

ElfGoesRogueYesterday, investigators announced a major breakthrough in its ongoing  federal case against North Pole, Inc a division of Kringle Enterprises. A former hand in Santa Claus’s workshop, Ruderalis Elvin Jr. has come forward to yank the tinsel away from the reclusive organization’s nefarious practices. His statements corroborate longstanding suspicions about the red and white empire.

Among federal allegations is the charge of civil and humanesque rights violations within Santa Claus’s workshop or as Elvin calls it “the coldest goddam sweat shop you’ll ever see.” The diminutive toy builder recently made his dramatic escape from his lifelong home within the confines of Kringle’s dictatorship. He cites “poor working conditions, incompetent management” and the existence of “only one employee bathroom” as the main reasons for his flight (Elvin admits he has digestive difficulties.) The pointy-shoed squealer explains “You know, folklore has really perpetuated this myth of joyous wonder surrounding Christmas but listen up kids, at least half of it is total bullshit.” The informant elf isn’t referring to what’s expected however. “I mean, sure Santa is real and you all get toys but at what cost? Elves work for free with no benefits. You think we don’t get sick? Try whittling toy trains out of tree branches for 15 hours a day and see how you fucking feel. We don’t even qualify for Obamacare for god’s sake. We’re not human! Have you seen these ears? We look like Mr. Spock’s shit sticks for chrissakes. Besides, who plays with wooden toys anymore anyway? All these kids want nowadays are iPhones and eCigs, whatever they are. I can’t build that stuff. Do I look like a friggin’ Chinaman to you?”

Federal prosecutors are also focusing on anonymous complaints of preferential treatment among Santa’s workforce. The grievances span several decades yet have never been substantiated by reputable testimony, until now. The allegations have pertained unanimously to Kringle’s mistreatment of  darker-skinned elves. According to Ruderalis, “All that stuff you hear about White Santa is what it is. The guy is as conservative as they get so go get your happy on, Fox News. The boss-man just doesn’t like anyone that’s different than him, which makes no sense with his big round hearing-holes and big-ass belly full of whisky. I mean, that blowhard clearly ain’t an elf no matter what the legends say. At that height?? He could probably shit my body weight and wipe himself with my kids! But yeah, he definitely didn’t like the black elves… oh, sorry I mean the Dirty Snow Elves. This’ll be public, right? Anyway, he hated my wife. I’d met her on the south side of the north pole five years ago. Great gal with tiny hands. We married and I got her a job in the workshop. Santa couldn’t stand her, though, or me ever since that day. He treated her different, not letting her take poop-breaks and things like that. He’d always give her the shit jobs like dragging away the dead elves from their workstation or making her apply hemorrhoid cream to the reindeer when they were sore. Santa Claus can be a real asshole.”

Although the feds have thus far been unable to penetrate the veil of secrecy surrounding North Pole, Inc., top agents are hopeful that Elvin’s testimony will help bring their case to the World Court. Inspector Jorge’ Sativa of the FBI comments on the bravery of Ruderalis Elvin Jr., “It takes a lot of sack to come forward and set the record straight on an institution as sacred as Santa Claus. That little elf has put the safety of his family and himself  in jeopardy in order to pursue good ‘ole American justice. I’m sure he doesn’t have any real interest in those gift cards we’re offering in exchange for his testimony. This Kringle organization has long arms and will stop at nothing to stifle the truth and totally eradicate the existence of this brave, loose-lipped elf. Fortunately for Ruderalis, the U.S. government will pull no stops in protecting him and his phallic-eared family from harm as soon as we get back from our holiday vacations in mid to late January.”

Rudolf and the Racist Reindeer: A Christmas Story

December 23, 2010

How much rejection can one deer take?

Damn those Christmas Carolers!  Have they no clue what they are even singing about? They cluelessly croon along to Rudolf, The Red-Nosed Reindeer without a shred of remorse. Either they are completely aloof or they are part of the grand conspiracy to marginalize the less desirable members of our society. One of our nation’s most popular holiday ditties clearly reeks of bias and prejudice. Rudy’s story is a perfect metaphor for the social imbalance existing in America today.

Let us examine the poor unfortunate soul known as Rudolf. We have a perfectly normal reindeer that happens to be freakish in appearance thanks to his halogen honker. For this reason alone, the poor animal was ridiculed and persecuted by the dominant male heterosexual, Type-A personality stags. Dasher and Dancer used to beat up Rudolf in the locker room and pull his underwear up over his head. Prancer used to poke his antler tip up the rectal regions of Rudolf as he ate his hay. All this because he was different. Yet, the aspect that differentiated him is totally irrelevant. We see the same type of rejection every day in our society. Just replace the neon nose with a dark skin tone, a curious accent or a bizarre rambling way of ranting about absolutely nothing. We all have friends, neighbors and family members excluded from reindeer games simply because they don’t fit the bill as society deems proper. Non-conformists both natural and decided are all seen as outcasts by the Donders and Blitzens who happen to graze on the acceptable side of the tracks.

The disgrace of all this truly comes when Santa Claus, the epitome of all white men ultimately needs this rejected little reindeer to help his racist ass out. The crusty old man realizes that he wants Rudolf, not in spite of his oddity but because of it. Somebody that he once saw as disposable was suddenly seen as key player in the Kringle hood. Yet, who could forget that Santa stood idly by when Vixen dipped the poor kid’s hoof in bear shit as he slept. Santa even chuckled when Comet planted the rat traps in Rudolf’s food trough. Naturally, Rudolf takes the opportunity to be accepted by his persecutors just as his human counterparts generally do. Much to his credit, he does a bang-up job for the jolly ‘ole jerk. Next thing you know, all of those two-faced, horn-headed bastards wanna be tight with Rude-Boy. It goes to show that the non-conformists and minorities of our society are expected to overachieve and outgun the masses just to get a molecule of respect from the bean-counting corporate mammals. Rudolf The Red-Nosed Reindeer celebrates, supports and revels in this gross inequality and I am sick and tired of the ignorance and innocence surrounding that fact.

Now, pick a fucking key or get off my porch you ignorant, Glee-watching, caroling assholes!