Lamest Powers of Wannabe X-Men

According to comic book lore, human beings possessing the X gene have the potential to become one of the mighty X-Men, whether it be for good or evil. That is of course assuming that they survive the blast of radiation that initially empowers them without later suffering the horrors of cancer. Without a doubt, all of our favorite X-Men possess powers to be reckoned with such as mind control, magnetic influence and extreme weather forecasting. But, what about the other mutants whose powers never develop into something useful like making ice cream materialize out of thin air? I’m sure there’s plenty of people that have opened the microwave door too quickly and sucked up more than their share of Chinese gamma rays. However, the radiation just isn’t strong enough to effectively alter someone’s body chemistry much less properly cook their baked potato. So, if  palm freckles are all that type of incident can result in, I’m pretty sure the exposed victim doesn’t deserve a leather bodysuit and a bad-ass nickname to prefix his gender. So, aiming slightly higher than glowing skin blemishes, let’s look at the lamest powers ever possessed by nameless mutants that will never be cool enough to be X-Men.

10. Toe knuckle hair as strong as piano wire but harder to tune

9. Can swallow bullets and shoot them out the ass while sustaining only minor injuries to internal organs

8. Fat rolls in the breadbasket can project small objects with the force of a lemon lobbed by a leftie with his right arm

7. Ultra strong ass-breath can weaken mortar with 6-7 precisely aimed exhales

6. Hurricane force eyelid fluttering can flatten anything with 14 centimeters

5. Super steely sideburns can scratch the shit out of any opponent foolish enough to get lured into a hug

4. Flabby side skin stretches out like wings on a partially malformed sugar glider

3. Razor-sharp detachable nipples serve as retrievable throwing stars so long as the wind is cooperating… in both directions

2. Flame retardant belly button lint can be used as… well, nothing

1. Vaginal vice grip can twist open stuck peanut butter jars yet gracefully flip phonebook pages without ripping them