Philandering Lesbian Blasts Gay-Marriage Supporters

2013 was a celebratory year for gays and lesbians throughout the country. Numerous states voted to legalize gay marriage entitling same-sex spouses to medical and tax benefits as well as gratuitous groping of each other’s junk in public. Heterosexuals nation-wide rallied behind the flag of equal rights in an effort to win the political favor of those that enjoy the same kind of genitalia they see naked in the mirror. Although many lips and tips have been pleased with the support, not every homosexual appreciates the elevated level of attention.

Womanizing lesbian, Edie Berber is a professional arc welder that’s fiercely defensive of her lifestyle. She describes herself simply as “your average ho, looking for free drinks and some fresh moose-knuckle.” Edie has been working the downtown scene since the early eighties when she says “we all just wanted to strap one on and have fun. It was about getting laid. Nobody cared about marriage, white picket fences and all that Leave It To My Beaver bullshit.” The crop-haired Berber insists that the media frenzy surrounding gay marriage has adversely affected her ability to engage in meaningless dalliances with other fur traders, “Look, I ain’t lookin’ for nobody’s help. I’m at the Labia Lounge three nights a week picking up raw stank and I’m pretty good at it too. I just wanna keep my average up, ya know? But all that domestic talk scares away the fresh fish. Either that or I give ’em a sip of my drink and they’re ready to buy Hers & Hers towels together. The whole scene is whack now. It’s like all you people are clam-jamming and don’t even know it. You think I wanna keep some bitch named Frankie? Get real.”

Despite being off the marriage market, Edie Berber appreciates the right to wed if she were to ever choose to do so…. well, sort of. “Shit, I guess if you always want your mouth tasting the same, that’s great. Ain’t for me, though. I ain’t tryin’ to be part of no damned Brady Munch. I’d shit thumbtacks before I wake up face down on the same carpet every morning.” When we reached Edie’s trailer for a follow-up interview, we found her naked and alone grinding her drunken privates against an old bean bag chair as she wept. She quickly finished herself off before wailing how she’d struck out on Nipple Night at the Tuna Club. “I got slapped twice for one grope, had my hand sat on once and had three drinks thrown in my puss. On top of that I got two marriage proposals. Two! What the hell am I supposed to do with that, rub it in my bird’s nest?” Edie sobbed. “Why do you self-righteous assholes always gotta be goddamned saviors? I should be motorboating some bitch on a barstool right now! Instead, I’m home alone… yet again, with an unopened bottle of rufies and a pair of dead D-cells. Fuck off, you meddling breeders!”