Observations of the Unemployed

January 5, 2015

Unemployed

10. Employers don’t seem impressed with the Linkedin profile pic of me laying on the sofa in my underwear scratching myself with a turkey leg.

9. Meow Mix doesn’t leave my breath as fishy as other leading brands.

8. Those chicks on Springer really need testing. I mean scholastic… bacterial, whatever.

7. Wednesday matinee strippers have the sex appeal of Rosie O’Donell teaching nude aerobics.

6. The liquor store lines are pretty short first thing Monday morning.

5. My proposal to become the inaugural Wal-Mart sniper tasked with cleaning up the customer base has apparently been rejected.

4. There’s a bar downtown that’ll serve me in my bathrobe and slippers.

3. The woman next door must be expecting a large package because the mailman seems to stay there for at least a half-hour or so each day delivering it.

2. At least 60% of the dog’s ball-washing is purely recreational.

1. Apparently, HandJobs.com is NOT an employment website despite the hours I’ve devoted to it.

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Things I Should Have Left Off Of My Resumé/Job Application

August 12, 2013

resume_exclusions10. Job History: Four years as an exotic wood dildo-whittler

9. Social Work: Veteran volunteer of experimental drug testing

8. Picture of myself running the Annual Winter Nude-A-Thon FootRace

7. Awards: 2010 All-State Beer-Funnel Champion

6. Gaps in Employment: Can’t recall a single day between February 2008 and April 2009 but I apparently moved from a 2-story townhouse to an alleyway dumpster

5. Objective: To bang every hot chick in the office

4.  Hobbies: Collecting celebrity belly-button lint

3. Accomplishments: Inspiring worker unrest and inciting management-overthrow at my last two jobs this month

2. Arrest Record: Convicted of roughing up a Glory-Hole Attendant for letting somebody cut in line ahead of me

1. Special Skills: Verbally dismantling authority figures and making them cry


Top Ten Tips For A Successful Job Interview

January 16, 2011

 

Today's job market practically demands sexual favors from applicants.

  1. A shot of whiskey helps get the smell of beer off your breath
  2. Ask your interviewer if pants are required by the company dress code
  3. Suggest Wedgie Wednesday as part of Theme Week to help boost employee morale
  4. Dress for Success: denim cut-offs, rope belt and riding boots are a must!
  5. Compliment the female interviewer, “Nice caboose! What time does the train leave?”
  6. Refuse to answer any questions without your lawyers present
  7. Really loud flatulence never fails to break the ice and ease tensions
  8. Avoid mentioning the pending lawsuits you have against your previous 5 employers
  9. Show the interviewer naked pictures of your spouse from the county fair freak show
  10. Use industrial-strength, high-impact knee pads