Star Wars Secrets and Spoilers… oh, my!

10. Imperial Walker previously thought to be gender non-specific gets caught taping giant iron balls up its ass.

9. In light of recent misplaced xenophobic violence, Tusken Raiders ask to no longer be called Sand People.

8. Harrison Ford’s character gets caught in the cantina bathroom giving himself a Hand Solo.

7. Epic battle between Droids and iPhones will finally get resolved.

6. Karma Foods pulls new Boba Fett popsicles off the shelf due to bad taste…

5. Luke finally accepts that the “Dark Side of the Force” does NOT refer to his child-wood for Lt. Uhura of Star Trek.

4. Returning actors inspire new tagline “May the FloMax Pee Through You.”

3. Chewbacca wears hair extensions made from endangered space-ies.

2. Darth Vader’s helmet modeled after James Earl Jones’ wang tip.

1. Yoda uses the Force to finally extract Frank Oz’s hand from his ass.

Random Secrets Recently Tweeted by Edward Snowden

10. The Pentagon was originally planned as The Octagon but a group of congressmen snorted, drank and corn-holed the money needed to build the other three walls

9. With the exception of the ugly states, the NSA has a peephole drilled into every public Ladies Room in America

8. Washington marketing geek created the ISIS name as an homage to his childhood fantasies watching the Shazam/Isis Hour on Saturday mornings

7. Weird loophole in Obamacare allows registered democrats to conduct and enforce mandatory proctology exams twice a year

6. Working undercover as a comedian, Bill Cosby spent decades as a government agent testing new recreational rape drugs for the White House staff

5. New Star Wars movie will feature a risqué sex scene between a drunken Wookie, two gay Jawas and a horny black droid.

4. U.S. government privately scolded Pope Francis for promoting love, acceptance and common sense stating that it’s “bad for business and threatens to undermine the American way of making the government rich.”

3. The secret ingredient in Bud Light Lime is urine

2. Hillary will wear make-up over her tramp stamp during the bikini portion of the next democratic debate

1. Amazon delivery drone had robot sex with your Mom last night

A Traveler’s Guide To Rest Area Shopping Sprees

As summer approaches, U.S. travelers both legal and illegal will be hitting the highways of this grating nation to rest, relax and spend time with family and friends. As we traverse those long, lonesome miles of nothingness, we’ll undoubtedly find ourselves refueling and recuperating at those lovely bastions of human freakishness, the truck stop rest area. Where else could we so justifiably gawk and point at our fellow humanoids as if they were extras from the cantina scene in Star Wars? With our bladders joyfully emptied, we’ll proceed to drop coin on the most trivial dung since Ashton Kutcher was permitted on film. Our pockets shall overfloweth with snacks, pills, trinkets and a variety of bacterial strains. We’ll buy anything and everything to help amuse, distract and indulge ourselves while annoying, pestering and prodding those around us. Such is the road of the weary traveler. Let us hope that good taste will prevail as we present:

(Least?) Favorite Truck Stop Purchases

1. Ass-flavored chewing gum to improve road-breath
2. Extra-Large Expanding Nicotine Suppositories with super-soft ramrod
3. Map of Middle Earth Whorehouses
4. Candy coated arsenic tabs
5. Replacement teeth- Now in Yellowish!
6. Snortable sugar packets with family size straw assortment
7. Donger Dave’s Little Doo-Doo Drops (from the makers of Turdinets)
8. Anthrax-soaked (but otherwise, sanitary) Handi-Wipes
9. Underwear Realignment Kit
10. Sour Hitchhiker Balls