Random Secrets Recently Tweeted by Edward Snowden

November 13, 2015

Edward "The Squealer" Snowden

10. The Pentagon was originally planned as The Octagon but a group of congressmen snorted, drank and corn-holed the money needed to build the other three walls

9.
With the exception of the ugly states, the NSA has a peephole drilled into every public Ladies Room in America

8.
Washington marketing geek created the ISIS name as an homage to his childhood fantasies watching the Shazam/Isis Hour on Saturday mornings

7.
Weird loophole in Obamacare allows registered democrats to conduct and enforce mandatory proctology exams twice a year

6.
Working undercover as a comedian, Bill Cosby spent decades as a government agent testing new recreational rape drugs for the White House staff

5.
New Star Wars movie will feature a risqué sex scene between a drunken Wookie, two gay Jawas and a horny black droid.

4.
U.S. government privately scolded Pope Francis for promoting love, acceptance and common sense stating that it’s “bad for business and threatens to undermine the American way of making the government rich.”

3.
The secret ingredient in Bud Light Lime is urine

2.
Hillary will wear make-up over her tramp stamp during the bikini portion of the next democratic debate

1.
Amazon delivery drone had robot sex with your Mom last night


Mayor McCheese Lashes Out At Voters After Losing Election

November 7, 2010
Mayor McCheese

Mayor McCheese returns to Hamburger Patch where his political career began. The burger-brained politician lost by a landslide to Charlie Chicken-Dick of PeckerHead Farms.

Among the political casualties of Tuesday’s big election is none other than Mayor McCheese of McDonaldland. The ousted Mayor was considered unstoppable among fast-food politicians. The burger-headed  public servant had harsh words for the changing political landscape. “You know all this backlash started with that SuperSize Me movie. I mean, everybody dug cheeseburgers before that (hiccup.) Then suddenly, everybody is a pussy and won’t eat meat. They’re bitching about cheese not digesting well and then it’s the fucking carbs in the bun. You know…  Just stay home and cook then, you boring losers! See if I care!” McCheese spewed drunkenly towards reporters.

Despite the volatile tone of the outgoing Mayor’s statement, polls show that there is some truth to his claims. 65% of fast-food eaters are more likely to eat chicken or fish than the overly processed beef-ish burgers that McDonaldland has become famous for. This could explain the quick political rise of the Poultry Party and the shocking victory of their candidate, Charlie Chicken-Dick. The Mayor-Elect ran on a solid platform of weight-loss and clean arteries. Chicken-Dick commented on the political power shift, “The day of the cow is over. The red meat regime is finally dead. Healthy leadership will shape our future and lower cholesterol levels. That is my promise to you” Even political upstart Felicia Fish-Smell  performed strongly as an independent capturing a respectable 12% of the vote among McDonaldland late lunch-goers and early-bird seniors.

Mayor McCheese’s campaign advisors will likely be blamed for what was ultimately a conscious decision by diners on behalf of their health. Lead strategist for the McCheese campaign, HamBurglar pulled no punches concerning his candidate’s loss, “robble, robble, robble, robble” he muttered unintelligibly. The comments were translated for the press by political ally and gay-rights activist Grimace, ” He said, I love meat in every possible way. I worship meat and I support meat. Meat deserved to win this election. Meat, meat, meat.” Experts speculate as to whether or not HamBurglar’s criminal background might also have contributed towards the political demise of Mayor McCheese. In 2008, criminal charges were dropped against the infamous beef-patty pilferer in a scandalous case accusing him of funding piracy for none other than Captain Crook.

The soon-to-be retired Mayor McCheese wouldn’t speculate as to the integrity of his cohorts but did have some parting words for the people of McDonaldland who put him out to pasture “You people may think you’re so (hiccup) smart giving that Chicken-Dick my job, but it ain’t gonna matter no how. Everything here is shot up with hormones (hiccup) and steroids and then fried. So, you ain’t changed a thing with this farce of an election. Enjoy your heart disease, suckers.” McCheese also hinted that his political career might not be over. “I hear that the Burger King’s constituents aren’t real happy with that freaky plastic mask he’s been wearing. I don’t blame ’em. Fucking thing gives me nightmares (burps.) But there might be an opportunity there for me to (hiccup) swoop in and take the crown. We’ll see. It’d be nice to govern somebody other than the goddamned ingrates of McDonaldland. (pause) You know, I think it should go to my credit that this experience hasn’t made me bitter.” McCheese proceeded to throw members of the press out of his room so he could sulk and finish his bottle of Jack Daniels.