Online Dating Screen-Names to Avoid, Avert, Reject and Repel

July 8, 2017

Online Dating NamesThey say the best things in life are free. Perhaps, but very few would say that’s the case when it comes to online dating sites. In no other corner of the universe will you find such a concentrated pool of failed abortions as you’ll find on websites such as OkStupid and Plenty of Flesh. Of course, that isn’t to say that everyone that’s dipped their toe in those murky waters would make a great psychological case study. It’s just that quality isn’t the norm. There’s surely dozens of non issue-laden people that were simply misguided or ill-advised about joining the ranks of the disappointed. But, the fact remains that it’s the unadulterated insaniacs that make the most lasting impression. Sure, we’ve all heard the stories about dates looking like bloated, ill and antiquated versions of their profile picture. But, the right person could totally rock the decrepit look. What about the wrong kind of weird, though? Drama that borders performance art. Bodily noise orchestrations. Mental midgetry. Hygiene not witnessed since the Pre-Ivory Age. Not your thing, you say? Perhaps, the simplest safeguard against these encounters is to examine the potential dates’ screen name for Freudian slips. The truths revealed might not be pleasant ones but they can certainly wave a few flags so long as you’re open to seeing them. A recent survey reveals the most transparent and all-around worst screen names found on free dating sites. The survey was taken as part of the Equal America program at the Institute of Middle Class White Men. The data was collected among a broad ranging group of middle class white men.

Online Dating Screen-Names to Avoid, Avert, Reject and Repel


Gene Simmons Sues Ken Doll Over Man-Bun

June 30, 2017

genesimmons vs kenRock relic, Gene Simmons is suing the latest incarnation of boy toy, Ken, for essentially stealing attention away from him. Ken Mattel is most famous for being Barbie’s long-time sperm donor. The Revlon-faced rocker is accusing Ken of capitalizing on the publicity garnered by his donning of the man bun hairstyle.

Ken’s hairdo is just one of several changes recently made to his famous form. The once buff and blue-eyed adonis now boasts a beer belly, loose bowels and a hell of a drinking problem. Most noticeable though, of course, is his man bun. In essence, Ken has a strange fibrous bundle parked atop his noggin for no real purpose other than to make people gawk and point. Not only is the hair style a major stylistic change for this heralded slice of Americana but a sure sign that human beings are slowly morphing in to a single gender with mixed genitalia. Accuser, Simmons has applied for a trademark on the very same hairball that continues to get stapled to his thick head before performances. The demon of dip-shits has also filed a suit against Ken himself for allowing people with no apparent purpose in life to gawk and point at his choice in hairstyles. The God of Thunder & Ego states “Hey, if you want to be the man, you have to pay the man. I created the man-bun when I was a kid. It was the only way to keep my hair dry when washing my Mom’s makeup off my face. I was the first one. The ancient Japanese Samurai got half their look from me. They’ll be named in a separate suit, by the way.” Hairstorians note that the phrase itself, “man bun” didn’t exist at the time of Simmons’ career. Instead, fans and detractors alike just assumed a wayward Tribble had escaped from the set of Star Trek and was nesting on high.

Upon hearing of the court filings, Ken Mattel replied “Fuck him. His action figure sucked and I have the video to prove it. That’s right. Gene’s just mad because I never age and he looks like shit. What is that pizza dough hanging off his face? He must be buying his wigs off the rack these days, too. Oh, and that tongue ain’t all that, either, I can tell you that.” Ken purports that Simmons has had a personal vendetta against him for decades. “Look, Gene fancies himself a ladies man. He’s always wanted to nail Barbie but she wouldn’t have it. Not once. She’s a classy chick, only digs cut plastic like mine. Not that weird kabuki shit. Man, that guy probably has more plastic on him than me and Barbie put together.”

Celebrity follicle expert, Harry Knowital doesn’t think the filings will even make it to court “Look, I get it. There’s a similarity if you compare silhouettes. Ultimately though, Gene wore a stubby little faux ponytail to cover his burgeoning bald spot like how a normal guy would just wear a hat. It’s been a clip-on since day one. Ken’s new hair is more complex. There’s twists, turns and possibly more than one rubber band. We’re still studying it but it we know it has a unique structure. Since it’s not the same thing, I’d say the only man bun Gene can lay claim to is Paul Stanley’s. There’s just no case. Never was. But we said his name, so he won and that’s that.” Ken reacted boldly to further questions about the lawsuit “Look, do I get paid for this interview or what? Barbie kicked me out of the Dreamhouse and nobody will even talk to me with this ridiculous wad on my head. This sucks. I can’t believe I actually miss her shapeless, monochromatic body. Oh, and I heard Gene has a stubby little fake one.”

The KISS founder has remained steadfast in his claims, even doubling down, “Ken would never have existed without KISS. None of you would. You’re all just thoughts in my head I’m choosing to think about right now.” Simmons has since responded to detractors by filing legal ownership claims on middle fingers, farting and masturbation.

Star Wars Secrets and Spoilers… oh, my!

December 16, 2015


10. Imperial Walker previously thought to be gender non-specific gets caught taping giant iron balls up its ass.

9. In light of recent misplaced xenophobic violence, Tusken Raiders ask to no longer be called Sand People.

8. Harrison Ford’s character gets caught in the cantina bathroom giving himself a Hand Solo.

7. Epic battle between Droids and iPhones will finally get resolved.

6. Karma Foods pulls new Boba Fett popsicles off the shelf due to bad taste…

5. Luke finally accepts that the “Dark Side of the Force” does NOT refer to his child-wood for Lt. Uhura of Star Trek.

4. Returning actors inspire new tagline “May the FloMax Pee Through You.”

3. Chewbacca wears hair extensions made from endangered space-ies.

2. Darth Vader’s helmet modeled after James Earl Jones’ wang tip.

1. Yoda uses the Force to finally extract Frank Oz’s hand from his ass.

Random Secrets Recently Tweeted by Edward Snowden

November 13, 2015

Edward "The Squealer" Snowden

10. The Pentagon was originally planned as The Octagon but a group of congressmen snorted, drank and corn-holed the money needed to build the other three walls

With the exception of the ugly states, the NSA has a peephole drilled into every public Ladies Room in America

Washington marketing geek created the ISIS name as an homage to his childhood fantasies watching the Shazam/Isis Hour on Saturday mornings

Weird loophole in Obamacare allows registered democrats to conduct and enforce mandatory proctology exams twice a year

Working undercover as a comedian, Bill Cosby spent decades as a government agent testing new recreational rape drugs for the White House staff

New Star Wars movie will feature a risqué sex scene between a drunken Wookie, two gay Jawas and a horny black droid.

U.S. government privately scolded Pope Francis for promoting love, acceptance and common sense stating that it’s “bad for business and threatens to undermine the American way of making the government rich.”

The secret ingredient in Bud Light Lime is urine

Hillary will wear make-up over her tramp stamp during the bikini portion of the next democratic debate

Amazon delivery drone had robot sex with your Mom last night

City Beer Vendors Bemoan the Demise of Concert Drum Solos

October 31, 2015

drummer soloFor decades, the rock concert drum solo has meant booming sales for beverage vendors and busy nights for lavatory mop-men. Rather than snooze through twenty minutes of inane, percussive pitter-patter, a large percentage of restless concert goers would wander towards the concessions area with two things on their minds, draining their kidneys and immediately refilling them. This has historically meant big business for the sellers of beerish beverages and cancer-friendly soft drinks. But, as attention spans shorten and sequencers become our insipid robotic rock stars, little space is left to showcase the talents of rock ‘n roll’s C-student.

Although the exact cause of this decline in artistic grandstanding and pud-pulling is still being debated, the powers that be are focusing on its economic impact. Yes, even sonic torture coupled with constipated facial expressions has a price tag on it. A veteran vendor of piss-grade beer who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity due to embarrassment over his employer said “I’ve been selling beer for Schitz for over four decades so I’ve seen it all. The Iron Butterfly days were the best. I mean, nobody wants to lose their buzz sitting still listening to that Tarzan shit. From the beer stand it sounds like a bunch of heifers stomping on fire ants upstairs. So, all them people would come running to me and to fill up on Schitz. I felt like a rock star myself in those days with all these people yelling for my attention. It was like I had the power or something. These days, nobody buys beer once the concert starts. It’s crazy. I don’t know, maybe they don’t want to miss anything because nothing is worth missing anymore. That or people are trying to be healthy these days and that’s bad for business. Selfish pricks. Whatever. Point is, I used to make a helluva lot of money selling beer. Well, not me personally. I still make minimum wage, but yeah, I used to sell a lot of beer. These days I do a lot of busy work. Wiping things down, stacking cups, pulling cups out of the trash, rinsing cups, recycling cups. Stuff like that.” The unnamed veteran of two thousand concerts has not yet gotten a response to the transfer he put in for in 1979.

The downturn in masturbatory, self-indulgent skin beating has clearly created a ripple effect across the American marketplace. In fact, the beverage industry is only the first in line to feel the financial fallout. Annual income reports from P-Gon, the world’s largest manufacturer of urinal cakes practically mirror the beverage sales dip. The parallel makes sense as most processed beverages are formulated to wreck havoc upon the body’s normal excretory processes resulting in spastic over-activity, gradual ersosion and a side dish of stank. Jorge Elstereotypo has worked as a restroom attendant at various concert venues since 1983, “Mang, I used to install new cakes like three times a night in every pot back in the days of The Grateful Dead. Ha, ha. Those two drummer bands were mucho bueno for this business and all us Pee Guys. Throw in a hippie slapping bongos and el pooper would become shower of gold to me. I know some people just come in to fix hair or snort borax but they always figure they pee anyway. Remember, it’s always good to wring out the kidneys.
Remember, I tell you this.” Acknowledging the change since those days of yellow gravy, Elstereotypo added “Last few years, boss-man just gives me night off for some concerts and have me come in early next night to install cakes and mop up after the missers. Man, people can miss… the mirror isn’t even on the same wall as the urinals. But yeah, I’m down to using only 2 new mop-heads every night. You know, people think this is an idiot’s job but you really need to study the flush pattern to understand good cake installation and set-up. Those things don’t line themselves up, you know. You can’t just throw them in there and hope the water doesn’t miss them.”

Even the personal injury industry has suffered from the fading of the drummer’s spotlight. Since many fans used to pour at least 3-4 beers down their gullet during an average prog-rock drum solo, they haven’t been nearly drunk enough of late to cause as many deadly accidents as encouraged by the legal industry. Even health services have seen a decrease in failing biology and crumbling body parts. Their profits have dropped right along with the sales of the tanker-sized Pepsi products that used to be sold mid-show as Stick Men attempted to prove their importance to other band members. Forty nine year old, Ian Deciwatz is a lifelong fan of live music that can attest to the fact that things have changed “It really does suck. I mean, I like to see a guy smacking his penis against a snare drum as fireworks go off behind him as much as the next guy but the point is, I used to count on that break about fifty minutes into a concert so I could slam some warm piss and go to the bathroom. These days you don’t get that chance, anymore. It’s not fair to the fans and it’s especially not fair to the corporations.”

According to a recent survey, record numbers of cowbell-drivers are currently in therapy and receiving treatment for depression. It would seem that those few minutes alone on stage each night really meant a lot to them despite them being the least recognizable member in any band ever. Music supply retailers are reporting record returns on drum risers, giant rotating turntables and exploding gongs. No drummers were available for comment as they were likely in retreat to reevaluate the practicality of their chosen career paths.

Open Letter to the Guy with the Chain on his Pants

August 30, 2015

wallet chainDear Tough Guy,

I couldn’t help but notice that clunky length of hardware you have bouncing off your hip connecting your trousers to your pocket hole. I have to ask, is that chain an ill-advised fashion statement? A half-ass security measure? Is it part of some advanced underwear security system? Is it a wedgie-blocker?? Some type of jock lock-up? Well, don’t flatter yourself my friend. And for the record, I only ask to be educated.

In all fairness, I know nothing about you link-slingers on an intimate level. You might all be absolutely awesome people but then again it’s just as likely that you’re all total tool bags. It’s just the law of averages, nothing personal. All the more reason, though to speculate as to the purpose of your linkage. And so in my quest for knowledge I find myself wondering if you somehow thought stringing a lamp chain around yourself like garland on a Christmas tree would make you look rougher and tougher than nature intended. Is that it? Is it? Is the terrier tether part of some muscle-headed, jizz-fueled muscular makeover? Of course. That’s it. Because there’s nothing like chains strong enough to restrain a diarrheic Labradoodle to really ramp up the cut of a marshmallow physique. Face it, Brutus. That chain is about as manly an accessory as a furry pink coin purse made from a flamingo’s ball bag. And I say this as someone that considers sleeves a luxury item. In my world, hats and underwear are interchangeable garments. And even so, I wouldn’t sport a chain. But if it’s style you want, I say go full bore and match up some elephant chain suspenders with a few iron ingots for your teeth and a solid steel neck medallion the size of a hubcap. Tell your chiropractor I said hello. Hell, you can dip your testes in molten metal while scratching your ‘roids with a crowbar for all I care. The important thing is that you’re happy… and stylish.

I realize that a lot of you leash junkies live in rural areas which leads me to wonder why anybody living outside of a bustling city would be so concerned with crime that they felt compelled to chain up their velcro wallet as if it were their seatless unicycle parked outside the mini-mart/gun club. After all, it doesn’t seem likely that Bambi’s descendents are going to run out of the woods with AKs wearing antler hoods just to grab your cobwebbed ass-purse and run with it into the headlights of an oncoming truck. It doesn’t add up. The padlocked pocket theory simply doesn’t work. Even in the unlikely event that your wallet DID get grabbed by some greasy gonad gunning for your unused library card, the chain is probably gonna rip right off of your pants anyway as the dude waves good-bye like an Olympian unsprung. Think about it. The chain is anchored to a belt loop made of mystery material that was sewed on by tiny brown, underage fingers in a country where human dignity has the believability rating of the Great fucking Pumpkin. Even those fancy pleather belts you Wal-Martians wear would probably bust right through those flimsy loops once you’ve parked your tookus at the Chinese buffet for a few hours inhaling deep-fried missing pets. What kind of security is that? I suggest slipping the chain into your drawers and wrapping it around a deeply rooted appendage. Maybe, an attempted robbery can turn into a cheap thrill for somebody.

Of course, I also know that wallets could easily slip through a frazzled denim hole and disappear into the Phantom Zone forever. These things do happen and I’m sure the astronomical cost of needle and thread coupled with the need of a sewing degree makes this obstacle practically insurmountable. Just a crazy idea I’m throwing out here but maybe your pants need to be retired once they develop aftermarket windows in the pockets. Again, this is a view from the cheap seats. I’m just trying to understand your wisdom.

Now, I would never assume that you were all ex-cons but if I did I would probably apply the theory that you all learned in the hoosegow, never to bend over. Capital idea. So, maybe the wallet chain was invented by the same guy that created Soap-On-A-Rope to keep straight men vertical. Brilliant, but wouldn’t a bungee cord work better? At least, it would spring the wallet back up to pocket level. By the way, what is your Lowe’s value per foot, anyway? Four packs of cigs?

Now before you go getting your jingles in a jangle, you must realize that these questions come from a place of curiosity and concern. It’s just that I see nothing hip or happening about cutting a couple feet out of your dog’s leash and draping it at your side like holiday lights across your patio in the middle of summer. It’s just that it looks like something you could get from the clearance table in the S & M shop at the mall. Meanwhile, the poor dog is left wondering why he can’t reach the garbage pail from the porch anymore.

P.S. If you tether your dog with a rope or chain so you can go masturbate in peace, I will hunt you down and hurt you.

Top Reasons Internet Porn is Better than Strip Clubs

August 26, 2015
  1. strip clubsNorton Internet Security clears viruses without embarrassing antibiotic pick-ups
  2. Keyboard drawers provide a physical-stop preventing over extension of the elbow
  3. “No Touching” rule holds no jurisdiction within my WiFi network
  4. $60 Broadband is less costly than dollar-tucking the drawers of Daddy’s Little Disappointment
  5. There’s no weird looking sauces on the buffet at home
  6. I’ve finally seen the last of Toofless Taffy, the Wednesday matinee stripper
  7. PC never kicks me in the face for sticking my finger in its USB port
  8. The only bouncer at Bargain Babe’s Online is Time Warner
  9. There’s never a “Dressed Code” where the Android roams
  10. As Seen on TV! USB Powered Monitor Wiper Blade

U.S. Moves to Ban the Letter K as War on Racism Expands

August 25, 2015

LetterKLess than six months ago, the U.S. banned confederate flags from federal cemeteries, state houses and the car roofs of hillbilly cousins whose tires squeal on dirt roads. It was a critical blow to the racist establishment. In fact, supremacists of all flavors admitted that they clearly weren’t expecting such a brutal attack on their vacant symbolism. The law crushingly put the kibosh on a heaping helping of the nation’s racial woes. Although, true freedom for all had not yet been founded, many squealed with delight at the dream of living in a land where lonely men and squeamish goats could one day live in harmony. Months after the allegorical onslaught, dozens of southern flag shops, rest areas and ass stations went out of business with the fizzle of a wet sparkler. As the hate-mongers continue to lick their wounds, the cross-hairs have once again fallen upon their teeny peenies.

A new bill has just hit the senate floor proposing the nation wide ban of the letter K. The move is a rather pointed attack on the deans of douchebaggery themselves, the KKK. Secretary of Incompetence and bill-pusher, Buck Irongroin has described the strategy as “double-wide identity assassination.” Bill Melater, receiver of the aforementioned pushing and a longtime equalish rights activist has endorsed the proposed law and it’s intent to confuse the hell out of Ku Klux Klan members, “Can you imagine what’ll happen to these guys when they don’t even know what to call themselves anymore? Ha, ha, ha! I mean, what the hell is U Lux Lan? It sounds like some kinda jeans commercial or something if you say it whisper-like! Ooh, la, la! Ha,ha! Who knows where the hell their mail will end up once we take back the Letter K!” Irongroin’s official statements have taken it even further, “Lost postcards means low meeting attendance. Anyone that’s ever been to a high-end rummage sale knows the importance of good advertising. Hell, even I have at least three Sharpies and some oak tag.”

The bill isn’t without it’s opposition though as many worry what will happen to the world’s Latin-based languages once they lose one of their sharpest consonants. Although many K-words can be retrofitted with a C-sound, the rules of grammar stand to suffer greatly with the only solace being that most Americans can barely read or write above a fifth grade level, anyway. Neighborhood roadway, Sesame Street has expressed great concern over the possible ban as the letter K has been a sponsor of the show for decades. The law could mean a financial loss of 3.84615385% for the Children’s Television Workshop. Longtime resident, Oscar the Grouch posted on his Twitter, “What? No K? Well, Fuc you! That leaves something like 25 letters!! What the hell?? That’s not enough! Even I know that and I don’t even do meth like that freaky vamp around the corner. And what’s with the counting bit, anyway? It’s like Rain Man with a thirst for blood…” Only half of Oscar’s quote actually tweeted due to character restrictions though, so the rest was pieced together and interpreted by impartial governmental white guys behind locked doors at an undisclosed location. Secretary Irongroin doesn’t refute the concerns simply stating that there will always be “collateral damage.” Shortly after, he coldly added “you’re lucky it isn’t a vowel. God bless America.”

Many have questioned the bill’s initial target of the dry cleaning business. As presented on the Senate floor, Klan members are expected to be so confused picking up their laundry without their core letters on the ticket stub that they will inevitably be exposed to the world bedding-free and likely jailed without charges or dryer sheets. Among the more questionable proponents of the bill is Kentucky senator, Bill Lagoe Thomas who’s biggest concern seems to be whether or not his state can continue to climb the alphabetical ladder.
“I realize this would be an aggressive move but c’mon, it’ll be great! I know Entucy is a crap-ass name for a state but at least we’d get to move up higher on the list and get noticed more first. The Entucians totally support this bill as it’ll finally push us up past Kansas on alphabetical state lists!” With the Letter K banned, it actually wouldn’t. Thomas later added, “Oh, and racism is bad.”

Many insist that the proposed law goes too far and would affect the everyday vernacular of the common man but Bill Melater insists otherwise, “Look, I’m on Urban Dictionary as much as anyone else. I realize there’s going to be changes that I don’t like too but racism is bad for business and we need to stop pretending that we can’t stop it in it’s tracks with a good firm shot to the wedding taters. It’s not about us anymore, people. We’ll need to be far less selfie if we’re going to beat down the big brown beast of bigotry.” As always, Senator Irongroin had the final word, this time to those who accuse him of backing a cruel and hostile law, “Hey, we took the high road with this, okay, so deal with it. It could’ve been much more severe. There was a push to launch a bedbug attack on KKK sheet suppliers but thankfully my party owns a biological warfare guy that talked them out of it. Besides, we’re saving those critters for some different colored poor people.” Despite opposing views, the 1-Color Bill, as it’s called is expected to become law and change the face of race relations. If it is effective as expected, we could see a significant drop in hate crimes by this time next year. Perhaps, we’ll all be able to sigh in relief as we finally see the bloody history of the hateful letter K fade away in our memories thanks to rational lawmaking and a quest for old-fashioned, ivory justice.

Bigfoot Comes Out of Hiding to Apply for Obamacare and He Might be Gay

January 18, 2015

BigfootThe legend of Bigfoot has fascinated mankind since the sightings began in the early 1800’s. Initially, it was thought to be the mere drunken lore of self-pleasuring woodsmen and horny teen campers but the hairy giant’s myth has only grown over time. Now, after a lifetime in hiding, the creature with an immeasurable sandal size has come out of his self-imposed exile seeking medical treatment among those he once hid from. Sadly, our favorite hairy bipedal humaniod is reportedly developing advanced symptoms of what could be the Ebola virus or as Sasquatch himself suggests “something I caught from eating that French guy.” Here is an excerpt from an exclusive interview with the Yeti Supreme.

Q: Bigfoot, it is truly a pleasure to meet you. You are a cultural icon. Welcome. Now, aside from dozens of sightings and some blurry photographs, you’ve managed to stay in hiding for well over a century.
(long pause)
BigFoot: Was that a question?
Q: Ok. Why stay hidden? Were you frightened of us?
BigFoot: Frightened? I’ve ripped the heads off of more humans than you’ve shaken hands with. I still have dried entrails between my toes from the last asshole that tried to toss a net over me. Look, I know how you people treat strangers. I HAVE seen E.T., you know. By the way, you guys really need to bring back more Drive-Ins. Anyway, I’d either have ended up dissected, in a zoo or teaming up with David Spade for a direct-to-Hulu screwball comedy that nobody watches. I don’t need that kind of disrespect OR incision scar. The fact that I got smacked with a bag of flea powder walking in here today is probably as good as it’s gonna get for me. Is this the biggest chair you have?
Q:  Yes. But your existence was essentially known to us for a long time. Aside from some impressive footprints, though, we’ve always lacked the evidence to prove much of anything. How did you cover your tracks for so long?
BigFoot: Well, I didn’t exactly go shopping downtown on Black Friday… duh. I’ve always partied in the remote bumpkin areas where you (makes quote fingers) civilized people can’t get your aerosol cheese cans and NetFlix marathons. You tend to stay away in droves when you can’t be pampered. Heaven forbid you miss an episode of a show you can watch anytime, you act like somebody killed off your food supply or something. I mean, I’ve changed my diet hundreds of times BECAUSE of you guys.
Q:  Is that why you’re coming out now? To deliver a message about the environment?
BigFoot: First of all, I’m not (makes quote fingers, again) coming out because I’m not gay but thanks for voicing your erroneous assumption in front of the world audience like that. I’m probably blushing under all this hair now. And no, I don’t care about nature. Your environment is my bathroom, ok? Now, as I said before the interview I’ve been bleeding from the eyes a bit, my bowels are oozing like warm mustard and…
Q: But how is it that scientists have never found your campsite or remains of your food?
BigFoot:  Oh, back to this? Ok. Remains of my food? Really? You mean, SHIT? You want to know why nobody found my titanic turd rods? You didn’t find them because I picked them up with my hairy palms every single time I went and ran with them until I could throw my muck in the river where your lab geeks wouldn’t think to look for it all. Do you want to smell my hands?? Have you ever thought how humiliating it would be to have your stool boiling in a beaker? It’s a means to an end, my friend so don’t judge me. You know, one time I almost left one behind when somebody was chasing me but thankfully the poop stuck to my fur and I escaped with it dangling behind me. Shit like that usually doesn’t work to your advantage, does it?
Q: Not at all, I can certainly relate. But, are you saying you carried and disposed of your own feces for almost two centur….
BigFoot: I’m sorry, did you say “campsite” earlier? Do I look like a fuckin’ cub scout to you? Sorry but nobody gives out merit badges for ripping torsos in half, asshole. Are you new here? I mean, does somebody write these questions for you? Campsites are for visitors, ok? Like I would be at a Super 8 or Red Roof Inn. I’m a goddamned legend and legends don’t sit in tents toasting marshmallows over a Sterno can. I kick over trees and flip Winnebagos for fun. Women want me and men want to be me. Oh, and by the way you guys might want to do background checks on some of those scout leaders ‘coz I’ve seen some pretty inappropriate shit while lurking in the woods. I can’t possibly kill them all for you…(whispering) unless you nod your head for yes… then, I will. (pause) Was that a nod? Ok, forget it. We’ll talk later. (Normal volume) So yeah, I’m super concerned about this raging rectal rash. It’s made it impossible to distinguish gas from solids and I’m sure you can imagine the awkward social situations that can lead to. How do you guys make up these crazy-ass diseases, anyway? I spend my life shunning human existence and still wind up getting sick. Maybe that big drunk chick from the Discovery Channel wasn’t clean like she said. We were both pretty lit that night when she got lost in the woods. She kept crying and calling me Daddy so I played along and pretended her name was Lee. I bet she’ll never forget that safari!
Q: Bigfoot, it says here that you’re concerned about your health. Can you tell us where you stand on Obamacare?
BigFoot: Look, I realize I’m not a documented, tax-paying member of your society but from what I’ve read out of your trash cans, I’m pretty sure that doesn’t matter anymore. I couldn’t figure out that stupid website of theirs though and my fingers were too damned big for the keys anyway. So listen, I’ve really lost a lot of weight and I’ve been running out of breath when sodomizing hikers. If I could see a…
Q: Sasquatch, how do you feel about the media’s portrayal of you over the years?
BigFoot: What? (cough, cough, sneeze) Ugh! Sorry, did I get blood on you? Um, yeah I guess it’s been okay. The fuzzy pictures make my ass look kinda fat so I guess that always bothered me a little. That Krofft Supershow thing with Wildboy was pretty weak but I liked when Andre the Giant played me on The Bionic Man. I had quite the guy-crush on Lee Majors back then. Like I said though, I’m definitely not gay. So yeah, I don’t want to be quarantined or anything but I could definitely use some medicine, maybe some cough syrup and antibiotics. Ointment too. Honestly, a veterinarian would be fine…
Q: If you indeed have the Ebola Vi…
BigFoot: Oh, hey! Harry & the Hendersons was pretty cool, too but I never act that goofy unless I’m drunk. But, that’s Hollywood. Lithgow is definitely a class act, by the way. Whoa, did you say that clump of hair just fall out? It’s not even my regular season! Man, I cannot go bald, that would totally kill my woodland cred. Ever notice how black guys can shave their head and look cool but when the honks do it they look really sick… or worse, like Michael Stipe?
Q: No, not publicly. But, how have you maintained your health in the wild up until this point?
BigFoot: You mean, without insurance?
Q: Um, in general.
BigFoot: Beats me. It’s not like there’s some kinda wildebeest clinic out there in the sticks with a red cross on it. I mean aliens won’t even pick up probe victims out where I roll. But, I grew up healthy. No different than any other yeti, really. Stayed active, played sports. We used to play soccer with a human head as kids. So yeah, all good ’til I started vomiting profusely a few months ago. It’s been terrible. I can’t even keep down the tastiest child. Is that an ebola symptom or was that whole thing just a political virus? C’mon, you’re white. You must know the truth. (grunts heavily in discomfort) Do you have any medic training?
Q: Well, uh… we, um ..actually we’re going to take you to a doctor now… SECURITY!
BigFoot: Sure, right. Look, I should get going. Oh hey, is there a Payless around here? (runs across room and jumps out window)

Dear Nabisco: A Letter of Dissension from an Angry Oreo Aficionado

September 21, 2014
You don't mess with a man's munchies. You just don't.

You don’t mess with a man’s munchies. You just don’t.

First, I’d like it to be known that I am in my fourth decade as a drooling gorger of the snack world’s greatest creation, the Oreo Cookie. Barely a day goes by that I don’t gobble, grind and swallow a sleeve or two of these wondrous caloric delights. Prior to a heavy snacking session, I’ve even been known to crush, powder and snort a few choclatey biscuit rails as a preface to the joy that will follow. The very concept of these marvelous stacks still seems revolutionary to me a full century after their inception! The Nabisco Research & Development team must’ve really been smoking the good stuff back in 1912. I mean, who else would have thought of bookending a pair of cocoa wafers around a patty of pure-white poisonous paste?! Well, technically, of course that would be the Sunshine Company that created the Hydrox sandwich cookie years earlier, but who even tracks those things other than Wikipedia? My point is that I have faithfully stuck by the Oreo brand even in the face of their colossal fuck-ups such as watermelon, banana split, and ass-fudge filling. In return for such loyalty, Nabisco has sunk to a low that qualifies as their most heinous crime ever against the Oreo institution and billions of rabid snackers, stoners and trans-fat fans.

To be direct, I hereby charge The Oreo Institute of America of shortchanging the public on the amount of jizz between their wafers. You should know that my allegations don’t stem from the mere musings of a munchie-driven ganja fiend. Physical research has been conducted in order to verify what started simply as paranoid suspicion. Extensive lab testing has confirmed the beat count you are attempting to pass off as a satisfactory volume of frothy filling. In essence, The National Biscuit Company has been skimping on the neuro-toxic wadding in order to save money. Well, let me tell you something you lousy crumb-counters, the pasty sweet stickum has fallen far below the quantity needed to effectively provide structural integrity to the cookie. We are not talking about a simple single-layered dessert organism here. Physics come into play with a creation as complex as a sandwich cookie. You more than anyone should realize that the security of the assembled piece hinges crucially upon the contact area of the bleached-putty, patty-face. Vacuum is a principle you seem to have forgotten, which is surprising when one considers how much you really suck for fucking with a good formula. Cream filling to a cookie stack is much more than what frosting is to a cake; it functions as a sealant to bond two bisections. Yet, you’ve allowed your manufacturing minions to reduce it to meaningless gelatinous muck. This attrition in volume not only robs connoisseurs such as myself of the Oreo’s very essence, but creates an unstable snack structure that falls apart as soon as it is airborne en route to the gullet.

My testing began with calipers ensuring that the thickness of the two pseudo-chocolate discs hadn’t changed, which they have not. At least that much is held sacred (for now.) However, using a freshly calibrated drop-gauge, I found that the cream filling itself (or lack, thereof) was negatively effecting the overall thickness of the snack. Worse than that, ultrasonic testing revealed that there were gaping air pockets within the filling which would ultimately act as sink holes denying the wafers the proper vacuum seal needed to hold the entire assemblage together. Collapse is inevitable under these conditions. Even the more progressive-minded munchers that dissect the confection for de-creaming across their central and lateral incisors are essentially robbed of the complete noshing experience. “Hollow” is just not a word that should describe a dessert. I realize that sugary lard may not be the cheapest ingredient in the world but with increased sales due to marijuana legalization, Nabisco can certainly afford to give us a properly constructed cookie that doesn’t fall the fuck apart between the daintiest of fingers. Granted, the dog is quite happy with my lapful of crumbs but then again, he isn’t the one paying for the damned cookies, is he?

I’d also like to take issue with the Oreo Marketing Department. No favors are being done to the English language by dropping a crucial consonant from your “Double Stuf” cookies. Was this initially a typo that you decided to ride out as opposed to eating crow? By any stretch of logic, the pronunciation is no different than the properly spelled “stuff.” I can assure you that there is nothing clever about acting stupid, my friends. I am desperately trying to look past the fact that this abysmal creation of a cookie holds barely a pittance more filling than the original cookies once possessed. Double, my ass! I see where this game is going. Nabisco is once again trying to stiff the consumer, or should I say “stif?” So, thanks for shitting on the last cornerstone of American awesomeness, you greedy cream-scrapers. The terrorists have officially won.