Observations of the Unemployed

10. Employers don’t seem impressed with the Linkedin profile pic of me laying on the sofa in my underwear scratching myself with a turkey leg.

9. Meow Mix doesn’t leave my breath as fishy as other leading brands.

8. Those chicks on Springer really need testing. I mean scholastic… bacterial, whatever.

7. Wednesday matinee strippers have the sex appeal of Rosie O’Donell teaching nude aerobics.

6. The liquor store lines are pretty short first thing Monday morning.

5. My proposal to become the inaugural Wal-Mart sniper tasked with cleaning up the customer base has apparently been rejected.

4. There’s a bar downtown that’ll serve me in my bathrobe and slippers.

3. The woman next door must be expecting a large package because the mailman seems to stay there for at least a half-hour or so each day delivering it.

2. At least 60% of the dog’s ball-washing is purely recreational.

1. Apparently, HandJobs.com is NOT an employment website despite the hours I’ve devoted to it.

Headlines We’d Love To Read (but never will)

1. Cigarette Smoke Found To Kill Cancer Cells In Humans
2. Gas Prices Plunge As Human Feces Revealed As Revolutionary New Super-Fuel
3. Captain Morgan Introduces Liver Fortifying Rum With Anti-Toxins
4. Scientists Prove Exercise Shortens Life Span And Spreads Cellulite
5. Mandatory Drunkenness Law Enacted To Liven Up Dull Cities
6. Snooki Announces Early Retirement From Public Life
7. Marriage Licenses Now Issued With 3-Year Expiration Date With Option To Renew
8. Weather Alert: It’s Raining Valium!
9. Beyonce Reveals Sexual Obsession With Sarcastic White Guys Shorter Than Her
10. Nutritionists Reclassify The 4 Basic Food Groups As Pizza, Beer, French Fries And Painkillers

House Rules (And Things You Should Know Before Visiting)

Your safety is important here at Ant's Rants Central. For that reason, management suggests you party responsibly with a hard hat, safety goggles and knee pads in place.

1. Please evacuate your bowels before entering my home. There is a port-a-potty at the construction site two blocks down, I’m sure you passed it on the way in. If nature calls while you’re here, at least use the amply supplied Courtesy Spray and turn on the Electric Fart Fan. Thank you.
2. If you bring Schlitz to the party and I catch you drinking Guinness, you’re getting bounced.
3. Nothing legal may be smoked under my roof.
4. If you’re fortunate enough to be dining here, don’t ask to have your food prepared in a special way or to have certain ingredients left out. It’s all cooked the same for everyone. This ain’t a Diner and my name ain’t Mel. Allergic to something? Suck up a Benadryl or scratch your itchy ass. There’s a McDonalds next to the port-a-potty. Pick-up, Dingy!
5. Don’t park on my lawn unless you plan on grading the soil and laying new sod in the morning.
6. Yes, the dog bites but don’t worry, he’s never killed on purpose.
7. Unless numerous cell phone conversations somehow pertain to your visit, please don’t use my home as a phone booth. You’re not as popular as you think you are and unless you’re a drug dealer or a bookie, your business should be conducted during normal working hours far the fuck away from my hearing range.
8. Unless your next paycheck covers the cost of a leather sectional, I suggest you avoid my furniture while showing off how much wine you can drink on an empty stomach.
9. If you’re here to party, don’t ask me to turn on the TV. Stay home if you want to lounge out, watch the game and scratch your balls with a turkey leg. Fact is, I really don’t care if  “your team” is playing. Besides, unless you own stock in a bunch of guys in tight pants with low IQs, they are not really “your team.” Trust me, they don’t care how YOU spend YOUR Sunday.
10. Happy drunks are always welcome to party here. As for the others, I have a locking broom closet that doubles as a drunk tank. It holds enough oxygen to sustain you for 41 minutes. I suggest you settle down quickly.