January 5, 2015
10. Employers don’t seem impressed with the Linkedin profile pic of me laying on the sofa in my underwear scratching myself with a turkey leg.
9. Meow Mix doesn’t leave my breath as fishy as other leading brands.
8. Those chicks on Springer really need testing. I mean scholastic… bacterial, whatever.
7. Wednesday matinee strippers have the sex appeal of Rosie O’Donell teaching nude aerobics.
6. The liquor store lines are pretty short first thing Monday morning.
5. My proposal to become the inaugural Wal-Mart sniper tasked with cleaning up the customer base has apparently been rejected.
4. There’s a bar downtown that’ll serve me in my bathrobe and slippers.
3. The woman next door must be expecting a large package because the mailman seems to stay there for at least a half-hour or so each day delivering it.
2. At least 60% of the dog’s ball-washing is purely recreational.
1. Apparently, HandJobs.com is NOT an employment website despite the hours I’ve devoted to it.
December 22, 2013
Yesterday, investigators announced a major breakthrough in its ongoing federal case against North Pole, Inc a division of Kringle Enterprises. A former hand in Santa Claus’s workshop, Ruderalis Elvin Jr. has come forward to yank the tinsel away from the reclusive organization’s nefarious practices. His statements corroborate longstanding suspicions about the red and white empire.
Among federal allegations is the charge of civil and humanesque rights violations within Santa Claus’s workshop or as Elvin calls it “the coldest goddam sweat shop you’ll ever see.” The diminutive toy builder recently made his dramatic escape from his lifelong home within the confines of Kringle’s dictatorship. He cites “poor working conditions, incompetent management” and the existence of “only one employee bathroom” as the main reasons for his flight (Elvin admits he has digestive difficulties.) The pointy-shoed squealer explains “You know, folklore has really perpetuated this myth of joyous wonder surrounding Christmas but listen up kids, at least half of it is total bullshit.” The informant elf isn’t referring to what’s expected however. “I mean, sure Santa is real and you all get toys but at what cost? Elves work for free with no benefits. You think we don’t get sick? Try whittling toy trains out of tree branches for 15 hours a day and see how you fucking feel. We don’t even qualify for Obamacare for god’s sake. We’re not human! Have you seen these ears? We look like Mr. Spock’s shit sticks for chrissakes. Besides, who plays with wooden toys anymore anyway? All these kids want nowadays are iPhones and eCigs, whatever they are. I can’t build that stuff. Do I look like a friggin’ Chinaman to you?”
Federal prosecutors are also focusing on anonymous complaints of preferential treatment among Santa’s workforce. The grievances span several decades yet have never been substantiated by reputable testimony, until now. The allegations have pertained unanimously to Kringle’s mistreatment of darker-skinned elves. According to Ruderalis, “All that stuff you hear about White Santa is what it is. The guy is as conservative as they get so go get your happy on, Fox News. The boss-man just doesn’t like anyone that’s different than him, which makes no sense with his big round hearing-holes and big-ass belly full of whisky. I mean, that blowhard clearly ain’t an elf no matter what the legends say. At that height?? He could probably shit my body weight and wipe himself with my kids! But yeah, he definitely didn’t like the black elves… oh, sorry I mean the Dirty Snow Elves. This’ll be public, right? Anyway, he hated my wife. I’d met her on the south side of the north pole five years ago. Great gal with tiny hands. We married and I got her a job in the workshop. Santa couldn’t stand her, though, or me ever since that day. He treated her different, not letting her take poop-breaks and things like that. He’d always give her the shit jobs like dragging away the dead elves from their workstation or making her apply hemorrhoid cream to the reindeer when they were sore. Santa Claus can be a real asshole.”
Although the feds have thus far been unable to penetrate the veil of secrecy surrounding North Pole, Inc., top agents are hopeful that Elvin’s testimony will help bring their case to the World Court. Inspector Jorge’ Sativa of the FBI comments on the bravery of Ruderalis Elvin Jr., “It takes a lot of sack to come forward and set the record straight on an institution as sacred as Santa Claus. That little elf has put the safety of his family and himself in jeopardy in order to pursue good ‘ole American justice. I’m sure he doesn’t have any real interest in those gift cards we’re offering in exchange for his testimony. This Kringle organization has long arms and will stop at nothing to stifle the truth and totally eradicate the existence of this brave, loose-lipped elf. Fortunately for Ruderalis, the U.S. government will pull no stops in protecting him and his phallic-eared family from harm as soon as we get back from our holiday vacations in mid to late January.”