Insiders Suspect Douglas Cancer-Claim A Cunning Hoax

June 9, 2013

Michael_DouglasIn recent days, acclaimed thespian Michael Douglas has created quite the media frenzy with the revelation that he’d contracted throat cancer while clam-diving on the Welsh coast. The cunnilingus theory conveniently sidesteps the longtime smoker’s apparent need to lick ashtrays clean after every cigarette… even after other people smoke. While the HPV virus is undeniably and horribly real, some believe that the Wall Street actor’s announcement was nothing more than a pubic-ity stunt.

The announcement, Douglas claims, was to help spread awareness of the health perils involved with oral sex. For many, a nicely printed brochure would have sufficed. Yet, others prefer a press junket, world spotlight and the complete humiliation of their spouse and family. To each his own, I suppose. Researchers and participants alike have long documented the customary injuries that can accompany this otherwise joyful act including broken noses, sprained tongue and squirt-blindness. This is the first time, however, a high-profile celebrity such as Michael Douglas has stepped forward to expound upon the dangers of box lunches. Although applauded by some for his bravery, his message has garnered him a number of detractors, as well. A former colleague of the actor contacted the press on the condition of anonymity yesterday to raise allegations of idiocy, grandstanding and pomposity against the Basic Instinct star.

“Far as I think, it’s all about that Candle Bra movie he just made. He don’t want nobody thinkin’ he’s all into boys like that Liverace guy was” said the source who insisted that his own heterosexuality be noted.

Behind The Candelabra was a highly successful HBO movie starring Michael Douglas as homosexual musician, Liberace. The actor was critically acclaimed for his performance as the flamboyant penist. By this rationale, Douglas could simply be trying to disassociate himself from the dong-centric activities of the man he portrayed so well. After all, Hollywood is all about showboating and he certainly wouldn’t be the first really old gorilla to pound his chest to prove he’s got cojones. But why he would publicly link the exploits of his lingua with throat cancer of all things remains a mystery. Were all the hookers on strike? Is he gearing up to be a spokesman for saran wrap? For all that’s known, maybe he was added to the Phillip Morris payroll in exchange for keeping the heat off of them. The unidentified source has his own theory on the matter “That man has got to be the dumbest fuckin’ moron, I ever did see.”

Hitting even closer to home for Douglas comes an anonymous family member to challenge the actor’s claim even further. The clandestinely cloaked source, only identified herself as Ms. Z and said “That son of a bitch looks like an unwrapped mummy. He is damned lucky to have a hot young wife at home, tri-polar or not! How dare he tour the talk show circuit just to dispute the cleanliness of my… I mean, his lovely wife’s wookie-cave.” Suffice to say, Michael Douglas is one Academy Award winner that can expect a lot of upcoming lonely nights sleeping on the couch.

The origin of Douglas’ disease may never truly be known but only a true tool would use their gullet as a smoke tunnel while blaming the poontang. Whether or not there really was something rotten in the bait shop seems irrelevant. Sexual activity just doesn’t belong in the media spotlight as a means of publicity. It belongs where it always has, in the kitchens, backyards and coat closets of America. It belongs in the backseats of Chevys and on top of the washing machine you keep on your front porch. It belongs in magazine subscriptions and in that hidden folder on your computer. Hey Michael, just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you have to be a dick.


1. Cancer sucks

2. Michael Douglas is a great actor

3. Michael Douglas is a fucking moron       

Of Swine and Men: A Medical Diagnosis

July 30, 2010

HogBlocker Swine Flu Preventative

HogBlocker Swine Flu Prevenative temporarily relieves symptoms created by mainstream media and gullible minds. HogBlocker is not a cure for stupidity.

With Swine Flu Mania sweeping the countryside, it’s a miracle people aren’t jumping out of windows just to save themselves. I mean, I’m still waiting to die from the Bird Flu, for God’s sake. SARS was supposed to be the end of civilization as we know it. Years later, nobody can even remember what the friggin’ letters stand for. Now, it’s the Swine Flu threatening to rain death and disease upon the disbelieving villagers. The media has really run amok with this pig shit. They finally found something that they couldn’t blame on George W. Bush.

Every night, CNN excitedly reports the death count as if they’re reading off the winning Lottery numbers. For all anybody knows, those people got sick from eating undercooked bacon while having sex with an unprotected sow. Nobody really knows how a virus starts, but the “experts” sure rake some cash while guessing. One theory blames it on Mexico since it wouldn’t be patriotic to say that the U.S. had any involvement. Yet everybody will cry in their Corona when the flow of drugs, guns and money over the border grinds to a halt. What we’re dealing with is essentially a bad cold with a really good publicist. Once the media came up with a catchy name, they only had to market hysteria to anyone hungry for it. Hence, the birth of Swine Flu, an epidemic designed to move merchandise in a sluggish economy. Anything with the word “protection” in it has become a hot commodity, whether it be vitamins, sneeze guards, or lemon-scented ass wipes in a germ-free Altoid tin.

I think the first thing for the over-reactors to accept is that those ridiculous dust masks won’t save anybody from anything. Return them to Home Depot or save them for the next big sanding job. All those masks do is recycle our own stank-ass breath worsening it exponentially. If there really is a Hog-Herpes, it certainly won’t be thwarted by recycled paper products. The key to prevention is to use common sense. Don’t have sex with any strange farm animals unless you know who else they’ve been with. Maybe Farmer Brown had cooties. As far as people spreading germs to one another, my policy is very simple. Anybody sneezing on me whether or not there is an epidemic is begging for a beat-down. Second-hand phlegm has no place in my life, whatsoever, much less sprayed on my face by some inconsiderate prick with a hypersensitive nose trigger.

Since the Swine Flu is primarily a media virus, I think our trusted journalists hold the cure. As Americans, all we need is a good distraction to make everything hunky dory. After all, that’s why we watch inane television programs and worship dysfunctional celebrities. All we need to cure the Swine-Clap is a good celebrity panty-flash or nip-slip. Soon after, we’ll forget about the Piggy-Plague and move onto other meaningless activities to fill our cultural vacuum.