Ass Master Jacques Cul of Myanus in Hollywood: Would you let this man stuff your ass with cabbage?
Leave it to the rich and famous. Years ago, coffee enemas became all the rage among Hollywood’s elite who swore by the procedure’s health benefits. Never content to wallow in its vast cultural offerings, Tinsel Town is ramping up to push its latest fad straight up the butt of middle America… the Ass Salad.
Unlike the coffee enema which has been around for decades, the Ass Salad is a relatively new concept, but one that is growing rapidly in popularity throughout the country. The term itself is a collective one. It refers to a wide variety of garden-based recipes all intended for anal intake. The original Ass Salad remains the simplest and least adventurous of this exciting new movement. Also known as “The Caesar Treatment” to its users, the original Ass Salad utilizes Romaine Lettuce leaves to pack the rectum with leafy greens. The water based lettuce offers soothing relief to wipe-ravaged regions while healthful Vitamin A and Beta-Carotene is absorbed rectally. Although unproven, the salad is said to work wonders with hemorrhoids. The principle remains the same even as the recipes get increasingly exotic. The Waldorf Wedgie offers a gritty if not painful, apple and walnut based super-scrubbing in areas you can’t quite reach with a washcloth. The Ass Yolk Salad uses the binding quality of raw eggs to buff and polish the anus to a high luster. This purely organic recipe has become wildly popular within the adult entertainment industry.
Harry Cox, owner of Hollywood’s most popular Ass-Bar, Myanus, speaks candidly about his establishment and its origin. “I’d been experimenting for years with various fruits and chocolates placed strategically up my wazoo. The results varied madly. At best, I’ve experienced heightened senses and euphoria. At worst, I discovered severe allergies and new toxins. With a dill pickle parked up inside me, I literally saw God, make no mistake about it, I did see God. Horseradish, on the other hand… well, the only thing I saw was a surgeon and a hospital bill. So yes, it’s been a long road developing the wonderful Ass Salads now available.” Since the opening of Cox’s Ass-Bar last year, numerous high-profile celebrities have been spotted visiting Myanus. Among them, Julia Roberts, Mel Gibson and Ben Affleck. According to Cox, the draw isn’t necessarily the same for everyone. “Travolta is a regular now. He loves the Olive Oil Lettuce Spread with Vinegar Spritz and Cilantro. I can’t speak for him medically, but it’s a great recipe if you have a sticky sphincter. I mean, even the Tin Man needed oil. Jolie is into citrus, she’s a Vitamin-C freak, probably scared of scurvy. She was just here on Monday getting her crack packed with tangerine wedges. It’s a very personal choice, which way to go.” Ass-Bars are reportedly popping up throughout the mid-west as celebs openly discuss their experiences with rectal absorption. Actor Richard Gere recently told People magazine, “It’s really the most natural thing you could do with your body. I see it as the ultimate merging of man and nature. I’d recommend it to anyone with a receptive opening.” The silver-haired sex symbol listed the Red Salad Slammer as his personal favorite. According to the Myanus menu, the Slammer is a pressure-inserted salad of diced tomato and cucumber shavings boasting a high level of anti-oxidants. The Ass-Bars have also attracted their share of the merely curious, however. Comedian Will Ferrell has been photographed at Myanus several times although he swears he has never had his ass made into a salad. His claim is corroborated by Cox, who states “Yeah, Ferrell comes in a lot. He strips down naked and walks around but that’s it. I think he just likes people to see his ass.”
According to Cox, the future of the Ass-Salad industry looks bright, “With the trend moving as it is currently, I can see the rectal veggie absorption scene becoming a very competitive market.” The entrepreneur however, refused to address rumors that Sarah Palin tried to lure resident Myanus chef, Ass-Master Jacques Cul to work exclusively as part of her private staff. Cox would only reply “I know not of what you speak.” Further proving the fervor of Ass-Salad fever are typically blunt remarks from Oscar winner, Sean Penn, “If you don’t try the Rectum Radish Toss, you’re a fucking asshole” he states flatly. Although appreciative of the support, Cox is quick to point out “You know, Penn swears by Ass-Salads but he’s the type of guy that comes in and has to know where the fruits and vegetables come from. What country? What port? Last week, he told me he was having special bananas shipped in from Venezuela for his personal use when he wants the Raisin Anus ‘Naner Slaw. I mean, for a guy sticking food up his ass, that’s pretty particular.”