June 23, 2013
It’s no secret that the U.S. government collects billions of dollars through sales and payroll taxes. That’s hard-earned money yanked out of our pockets leaving us with little more than chump change, cotton lint and that emergency condom that’s been around so long you might as well start picking names for the kid that would likely ensue from its use. So aside from the well-documented uses such as infrastructure, foreign aid and social programs, where else does that tax money go? Millions of dollars are quietly put towards pet projects and clandestine causes that rarely get reported. Are these ventures justified or merely frivolous bullshit pushed forth by selfish pud-pulling politicians? Only you can decide.
Best & Worst Uses of Taxpayer Dollars (that you didn’t know about)
10. Investment in the Steven Segal Center for Cultural Arts, Squinting & Ponytail Styling.
9. Scholarship for the Happy-Lap Grinding Course at the Stripper Institute of America.
8. Funding production of a career spanning 7-minute DVD of Pauly Shore’s funniest moments.
7. Recruitment of congressmen to form a world class pocket-pool team for 2016 Olympics.
6. Passing a bill to block the reformation or reunion of any boy band… ever.
5. Sending Edible Arrangement baskets to suspected terrorists throughout the world to expose them to the joys of western gluttony.
4. Compensation for graduates/victims of The Dick Cheney Hunting School.
3. Federally backed appointment of Jerry Springer as Ambassador of Self esteem to accompany his Certificate of Achievement in Chair-Throwing & Weave-Pulling.
2. Enacting a nationwide gag order on all celebrities wishing to speak outside their immediate area of expertise. Yeah, I’m looking at you Paula Deen.
1. Construction of a time machine to dial back the decades and halt the seed of all things Kardashian.
November 7, 2010
Mayor McCheese returns to Hamburger Patch where his political career began. The burger-brained politician lost by a landslide to Charlie Chicken-Dick of PeckerHead Farms.
Among the political casualties of Tuesday’s big election is none other than Mayor McCheese of McDonaldland. The ousted Mayor was considered unstoppable among fast-food politicians. The burger-headed public servant had harsh words for the changing political landscape. “You know all this backlash started with that SuperSize Me movie. I mean, everybody dug cheeseburgers before that (hiccup.) Then suddenly, everybody is a damned snowflake and won’t eat meat. First, they’re bitching about cheese not digesting well and then it’s the fucking carbs in the bun. You know… Just stay home and cook for your stupid kids than, you boring losers! See if I care!” McCheese spewed drunkenly towards reporters.
Despite the volatile tone of the outgoing Mayor’s statement, polls show that there is some truth to his claims. 65% of fast-food eaters are more likely to eat chicken or fish than the overly processed beef-ish burgers that McDonaldland has become famous for. This could explain the quick political rise of the Poultry Party and the tremendous victory of their candidate, Charlie Chicken-Dick. The Mayor-Elect ran on a solid platform of weight-loss and clean arteries. Chicken-Dick commented on the political power shift, “The day of the cow is over. The red meat regime is finally dead. Healthy leadership will shape our future and lower your cholesterol levels. That is my promise to you.” Even political upstart Felicia Fish-Smell performed strongly as an independent capturing a respectable 12% of the vote among McDonaldland late lunch-goers and early-bird seniors.
Mayor McCheese’s campaign advisors will likely be blamed for what was ultimately a conscious decision by diners on behalf of their health and bursting beltlines. Lead strategist for the McCheese campaign, HamBurglar pulled no punches concerning his candidate’s loss, “robble, robble, robble, robble” he muttered unintelligibly. The comments were translated for the press by political ally and gay-rights activist Grimace, ” He said, I love meat in every possible way. I worship meat and I support meat. Meat deserved to win this election. Meat, meat, meat.” Experts speculate as to whether or not HamBurglar’s criminal background might also have contributed towards the political demise of Mayor McCheese. In 2008, criminal charges were dropped against the infamous beef-patty pilferer in a scandalous case accusing him of funding piracy for none other than Captain Crook.
The soon-to-be retired Mayor McCheese wouldn’t speculate as to the integrity of his cohorts but did have some parting words for the people of McDonaldland who put him out to pasture “You people may think you’re so (hiccup) smart giving that Chicken-Dick my job, but it ain’t gonna matter no how. Everything here is shot up with hormones (hiccup) and steroids and then fried. So, you ain’t changed a thing with this farce of an election. Enjoy your heart disease, suckers.” McCheese also hinted that his political career might not be over. “I hear that the Burger King’s constituents aren’t real happy with that freaky plastic mask he’s been wearing. I don’t blame ’em. Fucking thing gives me nightmares (burps.) But there might be an opportunity there for me to (hiccup) swoop in and take the crown. We’ll see. It’d be nice to govern somebody other than the goddamned ingrates of McDonaldland. (pause) You know, I think it should go to my credit that this experience hasn’t made me bitter.” McCheese proceeded to throw members of the press out of his room so he could sulk and finish his bottle of Jack Daniels.