- Norton Internet Security clears viruses without embarrassing antibiotic pick-ups
- Keyboard drawers provide a physical-stop preventing over extension of the elbow
- “No Touching” rule holds no jurisdiction within my WiFi network
- $60 Broadband is less costly than dollar-tucking the drawers of Daddy’s Little Disappointment
- There’s no weird looking sauces on the buffet at home
- I’ve finally seen the last of Toofless Taffy, the Wednesday matinee stripper
- PC never kicks me in the face for sticking my finger in its USB port
- The only bouncer at Bargain Babe’s Online is Time Warner
- There’s never a “Dressed Code” where the Android roams
- As Seen on TV! USB Powered Monitor Wiper Blade
In recent days, acclaimed thespian Michael Douglas has created quite the media frenzy with the revelation that he’d contracted throat cancer while clam-diving on the Welsh coast. The cunnilingus theory conveniently sidesteps the longtime smoker’s apparent need to lick ashtrays clean after every cigarette… even after other people smoke. While the HPV virus is undeniably and horribly real, some believe that the Wall Street actor’s announcement was nothing more than a pubic-ity stunt.
The announcement, Douglas claims, was to help spread awareness of the health perils involved with oral sex. For many, a nicely printed brochure would have sufficed. Yet, others prefer a press junket, world spotlight and the complete humiliation of their spouse and family. To each his own, I suppose. Researchers and participants alike have long documented the customary injuries that can accompany this otherwise joyful act including broken noses, sprained tongue and squirt-blindness. This is the first time, however, a high-profile celebrity such as Michael Douglas has stepped forward to expound upon the dangers of box lunches. Although applauded by some for his bravery, his message has garnered him a number of detractors, as well. A former colleague of the actor contacted the press on the condition of anonymity yesterday to raise allegations of idiocy, grandstanding and pomposity against the Basic Instinct star.
“Far as I think, it’s all about that Candle Bra movie he just made. He don’t want nobody thinkin’ he’s all into boys like that Liverace guy was” said the source who insisted that his own heterosexuality be noted.
Behind The Candelabra was a highly successful HBO movie starring Michael Douglas as homosexual musician, Liberace. The actor was critically acclaimed for his performance as the flamboyant penist. By this rationale, Douglas could simply be trying to disassociate himself from the dong-centric activities of the man he portrayed so well. After all, Hollywood is all about showboating and he certainly wouldn’t be the first really old gorilla to pound his chest to prove he’s got cojones. But why he would publicly link the exploits of his lingua with throat cancer of all things remains a mystery. Were all the hookers on strike? Is he gearing up to be a spokesman for saran wrap? For all that’s known, maybe he was added to the Phillip Morris payroll in exchange for keeping the heat off of them. The unidentified source has his own theory on the matter “That man has got to be the dumbest fuckin’ moron, I ever did see.”
Hitting even closer to home for Douglas comes an anonymous family member to challenge the actor’s claim even further. The clandestinely cloaked source, only identified herself as Ms. Z and said “That son of a bitch looks like an unwrapped mummy. He is damned lucky to have a hot young wife at home, tri-polar or not! How dare he tour the talk show circuit just to dispute the cleanliness of my… I mean, his lovely wife’s wookie-cave.” Suffice to say, Michael Douglas is one Academy Award winner that can expect a lot of upcoming lonely nights sleeping on the couch.
The origin of Douglas’ disease may never truly be known but only a true tool would use their gullet as a smoke tunnel while blaming the poontang. Whether or not there really was something rotten in the bait shop seems irrelevant. Sexual activity just doesn’t belong in the media spotlight as a means of publicity. It belongs where it always has, in the kitchens, backyards and coat closets of America. It belongs in the backseats of Chevys and on top of the washing machine you keep on your front porch. It belongs in magazine subscriptions and in that hidden folder on your computer. Hey Michael, just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you have to be a dick.
1. Cancer sucks
2. Michael Douglas is a great actor
3. Michael Douglas is a fucking moron
- A shot of whiskey helps get the smell of beer off your breath
- Ask your interviewer if pants are required by the company dress code
- Suggest Wedgie Wednesday as part of Theme Week to help boost employee morale
- Dress for Success: denim cut-offs, rope belt and riding boots are a must!
- Compliment the female interviewer, “Nice caboose! What time does the train leave?”
- Refuse to answer any questions without your lawyers present
- Really loud flatulence never fails to break the ice and ease tensions
- Avoid mentioning the pending lawsuits you have against your previous 5 employers
- Show the interviewer naked pictures of your spouse from the county fair freak show
- Use industrial-strength, high-impact knee pads
Sleep well, David Letterman. Another celebrity has fallen from grace to take your place among the disgraced. Golfer extraordinaire, Tiger Woods is the latest media magnet to fall from the pedestal he was placed upon by millions of bored Americans. As miners of the pop culture pantheon, we love nothing more than to tear down and destroy the very same mortals we’d escalated to godlike stature.
It seems that our tight-assed, repressed society has had a cultural shit-fit at the realization that one of its idols is actually a human being made of flesh and blood. Worse than that, Tiger Woods is a human being with an iron in his undies, balls in his pocket and a sack full of testoserone. Unfortunately for el Tigre, his natural, biological urges contradict the squeaky clean, sexless image that our culture likes to saddle its icons with. Didn’t somebody inform him of the bogus ideals he was expected to live up to? For all the technological advancements we’ve made in the last 50 years, this country is still trying to hide sex from the mainstream. It was a part of life decades ago and it’s a part of life now. Even the Cleavers had to do it twice in order to pop out Wally and the Beave.
Sex and drugs have been the trappings of American fame and fortune since the country’s inception. In all likelihood, George Washington got his balls massaged by an admiring boat rower while crossing the Potomac. Thomas Jefferson was quite the popular stud among the housekeeping staff. It just goes with the territory. Joe the Plumber’s rise to national notoriety probably resulted in some trailer rockin’, as well. He probably got so much pussy, he thought he was at a family reunion. Fans and groupies alike all flock around those that they idolize or simply see as being more than themselves. They seem to think a degree of stardom will rub off on them from the DNA spray-gun.
As an iconic figure, Tiger Woods was more than willing to play the role of the blissfully married, asexual guy living the perfect life. He was a happy little Huxtable so long as it suited his wallet and kept his star shining. Now that he’s busted, though, everybody wants to scratch their nuts and wonder why he strayed. Look down your pants, folks. Perhaps, opportunity just got the best of him. Maybe his wife wore sweatpants around the house, stuffed her face with Fig Newtons, and described her bowel movements to him. I don’t know and quite frankly, I don’tcare. The infidelity of plastic icons is not worthy of our time. Anybody that idolized Woods for anything other than being good at a boring game should blame themselves for their own disappointment. Personally, I’m disappointed in him for publicly apologizing to the world. I find it deceitful. Bad publicity and lost endorsement deals are his only regret, in my opinion. I’m quite certain he knew he was a lousy husband when he was bangin’ cocktail waitresses in the sandtrap or visiting the ninth hole of PGA strippers.
Let’s give credit to somebody like Lindsay Lohan who despite her worthlessness doesn’t live the lie that Tiger Woods did. She wears debauchery on her sleeve and doesn‘t curtail her behavior to the palatability of a repressed American public. If nothing else, it is honest.