Disclaimer: This blog is all-natural and eco-friendly. Its green and brown packaging is organically produced and completely harmless to anyone of importance.
If you believe that, I’d like to sell you a new ass with all the accesories. Our world is plastered with these purported badges of good health and earthy goodness. Am I really expected to believe that human beings care about their bodies and environment? How the hell has centuries of self-indulgence, gluttony and ecological rape led to monkey-piss facial scrubs and mint flavored toilet paper coated with honeybee jizz?
Under the pretense of benevolence, the marketing gurus are whoring out Mother Earth to gullible consumers in desperate need of a self-image makeover. The color Green is being sold as the standard bearer of all things good and healthy. I beg to differ. In fact, I just ate some greened-over, fuzzy-looking fried rice from Chin Lu’s day-old buffet bin and now I feel awful. The only thing Green indicates is a shift in strategy. The glossy blister-packs and flashy packaging of yesterday have morphed into fecal-brown boxes and mucus splattered wrapping for today’s “more aware” shopper. Are we really so dense to think that brown and green Styrofoam is somehow better for the environment? Bland color schemes don’t save trees or rescue animals. Nor does it save our colons from periodic bouts of flare-shooting flatulence. Cancer isn’t attracted to flashy colors like a shark to a diver’s wristwatch. Green is just another ink made in China. It has no soul and it wears no halo.
Perhaps more offensive to me than the gullibility and chicanery involved with all of this is the cost. These supposedly healthier foods and eco-friendly products are more expensive than their preservative packed and chemically enhanced counterparts. I realize that natural cleaning sprays do little more than smell fruity and leave streaks but shouldn’t they be cheaper without the laundry list of chemical additives thrown in? By the same rationale, organic vegetables should be more affordable without all the pricey pesticides sprayed on. Besides, both people and animals walk, piss and shit on the same earth that food grows in. If you can deal with that, a little toxic bug spray ain’t gonna add nothin’ but flavor to the dining experience. You might as well belly on up and enjoy your broccoli with a little Black Flag and mustard sauce!
Most of these so-called natural products aren’t much different than their forebears. For example, the advent of brown coffee filters just leaves me limp. They accomplish the same simple task that the Wonder whities do; they keep my coffee from getting crunchy. The fact that they were ever bleached like a porn star’s asshole in the first place was just someone’s way of pandering to the fears of White America. Wanna impress me? Stuff your soiled undies in the filter basket and brew your coffee with some genuine anal essence. Think of it as the ultimate form of recycling.
Green brands of toilet paper are an even bigger joke. If you wanna be natural about wiping yourself, try using some poison ivy leaves. That way, you can ponder your progressive stance while dribbling calamine lotion down your itchy ass crack. And while we’re all pretending to care so much, let’s indulge in some extra-nicotine cigarettes with a whole wheat filter. That’ll make it okay. How about downing a bottle of Jack Daniels infused with Omega-3 antioxidants? Can I offer you some multi-grain cotton candy? How about some low-sodium heroin? The majority of these products serve no other purpose than to make self-obsessed people feel better about themselves and the piggish lives they’ve led.
Embracing the color of snot and crap will not redeem anybody’s soul, save a single tree or grant another day of life. The illusion of caring has trumped any true love affair with nature that humans might once have possessed. Extolling these products is like going to church to show off your new clothes. Happy Sunday, everybody.