Observations of the Unemployed

10. Employers don’t seem impressed with the Linkedin profile pic of me laying on the sofa in my underwear scratching myself with a turkey leg.

9. Meow Mix doesn’t leave my breath as fishy as other leading brands.

8. Those chicks on Springer really need testing. I mean scholastic… bacterial, whatever.

7. Wednesday matinee strippers have the sex appeal of Rosie O’Donell teaching nude aerobics.

6. The liquor store lines are pretty short first thing Monday morning.

5. My proposal to become the inaugural Wal-Mart sniper tasked with cleaning up the customer base has apparently been rejected.

4. There’s a bar downtown that’ll serve me in my bathrobe and slippers.

3. The woman next door must be expecting a large package because the mailman seems to stay there for at least a half-hour or so each day delivering it.

2. At least 60% of the dog’s ball-washing is purely recreational.

1. Apparently, HandJobs.com is NOT an employment website despite the hours I’ve devoted to it.

Signs The Recession Has Affected You

1. You’re pushing a full shopping cart and you’re miles from any store.
2. Your clothes haven’t been washed in so long, your jeans crunch when you walk
3. Your stomach grumbles when you smell cat food
4. The park bench doesn’t seem all that uncomfortable anymore.
5. The supermarket’s clearance cooler is tempting you towards the sale on graying meat
6. You’ve stopped making jokes about Big-Lots.
7. Your tires are bald… on your new house
8. You’ve switched from Reynolds Wrap to the no-frills brand of aluminum foil… for  your TV antenna
9. You’re finding new and exciting uses for duct tape, some of them medical
10. You’ve switched back to AOL dial-up for 20 hours of monthly internet use

 

Snapshot of the Ant's Rants Financial Investment Portfolio