The legend of Bigfoot has fascinated mankind since the sightings began in the early 1800’s. Initially, it was thought to be the mere drunken lore of self-pleasuring woodsmen and horny teen campers but the hairy giant’s myth has only grown over time. Now, after a lifetime in hiding, the creature with an immeasurable sandal size has come out of his self-imposed exile seeking medical treatment among those he once hid from. Sadly, our favorite hairy bipedal humaniod is reportedly developing advanced symptoms of what could be the Ebola virus or as Sasquatch himself suggests “something I caught from eating that French guy.” Here is an excerpt from an exclusive interview with the Yeti Supreme.
Q: Bigfoot, it is truly a pleasure to meet you. You are a cultural icon. Welcome. Now, aside from dozens of sightings and some blurry photographs, you’ve managed to stay in hiding for well over a century.
BigFoot: Was that a question?
Q: Ok. Why stay hidden? Were you frightened of us?
BigFoot: Frightened? I’ve ripped the heads off of more humans than you’ve shaken hands with. I still have dried entrails between my toes from the last asshole that tried to toss a net over me. Look, I know how you people treat strangers. I HAVE seen E.T., you know. By the way, you guys really need to bring back more Drive-Ins. Anyway, I’d either have ended up dissected, in a zoo or teaming up with David Spade for a direct-to-Hulu screwball comedy that nobody watches. I don’t need that kind of disrespect OR incision scar. The fact that I got smacked with a bag of flea powder walking in here today is probably as good as it’s gonna get for me. Is this the biggest chair you have?
Q: Yes. But your existence was essentially known to us for a long time. Aside from some impressive footprints, though, we’ve always lacked the evidence to prove much of anything. How did you cover your tracks for so long?
BigFoot: Well, I didn’t exactly go shopping downtown on Black Friday… duh. I’ve always partied in the remote bumpkin areas where you (makes quote fingers) civilized people can’t get your aerosol cheese cans and NetFlix marathons. You tend to stay away in droves when you can’t be pampered. Heaven forbid you miss an episode of a show you can watch anytime, you act like somebody killed off your food supply or something. I mean, I’ve changed my diet hundreds of times BECAUSE of you guys.
Q: Is that why you’re coming out now? To deliver a message about the environment?
BigFoot: First of all, I’m not (makes quote fingers, again) coming out because I’m not gay but thanks for voicing your erroneous assumption in front of the world audience like that. I’m probably blushing under all this hair now. And no, I don’t care about nature. Your environment is my bathroom, ok? Now, as I said before the interview I’ve been bleeding from the eyes a bit, my bowels are oozing like warm mustard and…
Q: But how is it that scientists have never found your campsite or remains of your food?
BigFoot: Oh, back to this? Ok. Remains of my food? Really? You mean, SHIT? You want to know why nobody found my titanic turd rods? You didn’t find them because I picked them up with my hairy palms every single time I went and ran with them until I could throw my muck in the river where your lab geeks wouldn’t think to look for it all. Do you want to smell my hands?? Have you ever thought how humiliating it would be to have your stool boiling in a beaker? It’s a means to an end, my friend so don’t judge me. You know, one time I almost left one behind when somebody was chasing me but thankfully the poop stuck to my fur and I escaped with it dangling behind me. Shit like that usually doesn’t work to your advantage, does it?
Q: Not at all, I can certainly relate. But, are you saying you carried and disposed of your own feces for almost two centur….
BigFoot: I’m sorry, did you say “campsite” earlier? Do I look like a fuckin’ cub scout to you? Sorry but nobody gives out merit badges for ripping torsos in half, asshole. Are you new here? I mean, does somebody write these questions for you? Campsites are for visitors, ok? Like I would be at a Super 8 or Red Roof Inn. I’m a goddamned legend and legends don’t sit in tents toasting marshmallows over a Sterno can. I kick over trees and flip Winnebagos for fun. Women want me and men want to be me. Oh, and by the way you guys might want to do background checks on some of those scout leaders ‘coz I’ve seen some pretty inappropriate shit while lurking in the woods. I can’t possibly kill them all for you…(whispering) unless you nod your head for yes… then, I will. (pause) Was that a nod? Ok, forget it. We’ll talk later. (Normal volume) So yeah, I’m super concerned about this raging rectal rash. It’s made it impossible to distinguish gas from solids and I’m sure you can imagine the awkward social situations that can lead to. How do you guys make up these crazy-ass diseases, anyway? I spend my life shunning human existence and still wind up getting sick. Maybe that big drunk chick from the Discovery Channel wasn’t clean like she said. We were both pretty lit that night when she got lost in the woods. She kept crying and calling me Daddy so I played along and pretended her name was Lee. I bet she’ll never forget that safari!
Q: Bigfoot, it says here that you’re concerned about your health. Can you tell us where you stand on Obamacare?
BigFoot: Look, I realize I’m not a documented, tax-paying member of your society but from what I’ve read out of your trash cans, I’m pretty sure that doesn’t matter anymore. I couldn’t figure out that stupid website of theirs though and my fingers were too damned big for the keys anyway. So listen, I’ve really lost a lot of weight and I’ve been running out of breath when sodomizing hikers. If I could see a…
Q: Sasquatch, how do you feel about the media’s portrayal of you over the years?
BigFoot: What? (cough, cough, sneeze) Ugh! Sorry, did I get blood on you? Um, yeah I guess it’s been okay. The fuzzy pictures make my ass look kinda fat so I guess that always bothered me a little. That Krofft Supershow thing with Wildboy was pretty weak but I liked when Andre the Giant played me on The Bionic Man. I had quite the guy-crush on Lee Majors back then. Like I said though, I’m definitely not gay. So yeah, I don’t want to be quarantined or anything but I could definitely use some medicine, maybe some cough syrup and antibiotics. Ointment too. Honestly, a veterinarian would be fine…
Q: If you indeed have the Ebola Vi…
BigFoot: Oh, hey! Harry & the Hendersons was pretty cool, too but I never act that goofy unless I’m drunk. But, that’s Hollywood. Lithgow is definitely a class act, by the way. Whoa, did you say that clump of hair just fall out? It’s not even my regular season! Man, I cannot go bald, that would totally kill my woodland cred. Ever notice how black guys can shave their head and look cool but when the honks do it they look really sick… or worse, like Michael Stipe?
Q: No, not publicly. But, how have you maintained your health in the wild up until this point?
BigFoot: You mean, without insurance?
Q: Um, in general.
BigFoot: Beats me. It’s not like there’s some kinda wildebeest clinic out there in the sticks with a red cross on it. I mean aliens won’t even pick up probe victims out where I roll. But, I grew up healthy. No different than any other yeti, really. Stayed active, played sports. We used to play soccer with a human head as kids. So yeah, all good ’til I started vomiting profusely a few months ago. It’s been terrible. I can’t even keep down the tastiest child. Is that an ebola symptom or was that whole thing just a political virus? C’mon, you’re white. You must know the truth. (grunts heavily in discomfort) Do you have any medic training?
Q: Well, uh… we, um ..actually we’re going to take you to a doctor now… SECURITY!
BigFoot: Sure, right. Look, I should get going. Oh hey, is there a Payless around here? (runs across room and jumps out window)