Star Wars Secrets and Spoilers… oh, my!

December 16, 2015

StarWars

10. Imperial Walker previously thought to be gender non-specific gets caught taping giant iron balls up its ass.

9. In light of recent misplaced xenophobic violence, Tusken Raiders ask to no longer be called Sand People.

8. Harrison Ford’s character gets caught in the cantina bathroom giving himself a Hand Solo.

7. Epic battle between Droids and iPhones will finally get resolved.

6. Karma Foods pulls new Boba Fett popsicles off the shelf due to bad taste…

5. Luke finally accepts that the “Dark Side of the Force” does NOT refer to his child-wood for Lt. Uhura of Star Trek.

4. Returning actors inspire new tagline “May the FloMax Pee Through You.”

3. Chewbacca wears hair extensions made from endangered space-ies.

2. Darth Vader’s helmet modeled after James Earl Jones’ wang tip.

1. Yoda uses the Force to finally extract Frank Oz’s hand from his ass.


Top Reasons Internet Porn is Better than Strip Clubs

August 26, 2015
  1. strip clubsNorton Internet Security clears viruses without embarrassing antibiotic pick-ups
  2. Keyboard drawers provide a physical-stop preventing over extension of the elbow
  3. “No Touching” rule holds no jurisdiction within my WiFi network
  4. $60 Broadband is less costly than dollar-tucking the drawers of Daddy’s Little Disappointment
  5. There’s no weird looking sauces on the buffet at home
  6. I’ve finally seen the last of Toofless Taffy, the Wednesday matinee stripper
  7. PC never kicks me in the face for sticking my finger in its USB port
  8. The only bouncer at Bargain Babe’s Online is Time Warner
  9. There’s never a “Dressed Code” where the Android roams
  10. As Seen on TV! USB Powered Monitor Wiper Blade

Self-Absorbed Asshole Enjoys the Hell out of Father’s Day

June 15, 2014

fathersdayWhether by blood or human bonding, the father figure has historically been treated with great reverence. Hence, our annual celebration of the ones we know as Dad, Papa, Darth or StepFucker. Sadly, an alarming number of fathers are undeserving of these accolades but, as Americans we do our part to grease the gears of capitalism by taking part in the charade, nonetheless. After all, somebody has to rape the forests of their life blood. Why not, Hallmark?

Ahmnat Ward is an international banking professional and father of an unknown quantity who prefers to spend time by himself than with what he refers to as the “sack dwarves.” “Look, I got kids. A mega fuck-slew of ’em. I think of them as my little anonymous army. I travel you know, so I’ve sprayed my seed halfway ’round the country and even dropped a few shots in some border towns for color. Overseas, too. I’m sure there were dry loads along the way too but who keeps track of these things? Point is, I just don’t like kids. BUT, I really like gifts, LOTS of them!” Ward’s shameless admission speaks to the selfishness of the Gimme Gimme Generation. When asked if he feels any responsibility for the poop-jockeys he’s brought in to the world, he exclaimed with excitement “My birthday and Father’s Day are the best! I get so much cool shit in the mail from kids I didn’t even know about! Some don’t even spell my name right, ha, ha. I love the ones written in crayon that matches the ribbon! But seriously though, the gifts are great. Their Mom probably put them up to sending me something, which is pretty awesome. Way to go, forgettable females! No clue how they ever find me but I’m always glad they do. Kids never have much money but they’re desperate to please which makes them damned good gift-givers, in my book. That’s from the heart, too. I feel that shit. I really cleaned up last June. Not just cards, but calculators, radios, neckties and pen sets. I even got some of that celebrity cologne so I can splash on the sweat of Andre the Giant. No re-gifting, either. That shit is mine, baby, mine. Some teenager named Helmut sent me a shoe-stretcher! No idea why anyone would want to stretch a shoe when you can get two for one at Payless but I love anything that has to be unwrapped! Oh, and for the record that kid’s name definitely wasn’t my idea.”

Thankfully, most father figures don’t subscribe to Ahmnat Ward’s particular brand of parental dickishness. Positive role models still exist here and there but looking to popular culture for moral guidance might not be the best idea. Even Ahmnat rejects television icons as role models, albeit not for the expected reasons. “You’d have to have anal warts on your brain to adopt three more kids than you already have like that guy on TV did, especially on an architect’s salary. I mean, the number of presents you get would be totally awesome and almost worth it but you pretty much pay for them yourself by shoveling grub into those dirty face-holes all year round. Shit, no wonder the guy became a gay alkie.” As a final stab into the heart of the paternal institution, Ward added “To me, every day should be Father’s Day. I love the discounts and free admission to the zoo… by myself, of course. I even love the smiles from flirty women who seem to know I’m wearing a pair of socks given to me by a faceless kid in Bangladesh.”


Lamest Powers of Wannabe X-Men

April 6, 2014

According to comic book lore, human beings possessing the X gene have the potential to become one of the mighty X-Men, whether it be for good or evil. That is of course assuming that they survive the blast of radiation that initially empowers them without later suffering the horrors of cancer. Without a doubt, all of our favorite X-Men possess powers to be reckoned with such as mind control, magnetic influence and extreme weather forecasting. But, what about the other mutants whose powers never develop into something useful like making ice cream materialize out of thin air? I’m sure there’s plenty of people that have opened the microwave door too quickly and sucked up more than their share of Chinese gamma rays. However, the radiation just isn’t strong enough to effectively alter someone’s body chemistry much less properly cook their baked potato. So, if  palm freckles are all that type of incident can result in, I’m pretty sure the exposed victim doesn’t deserve a leather bodysuit and a bad-ass nickname to prefix his gender. So, aiming slightly higher than glowing skin blemishes, let’s look at the lamest powers ever possessed by nameless mutants that will never be cool enough to be X-Men.

10. Toe knuckle hair as strong as piano wire but harder to tune

9. Can swallow bullets and shoot them out the ass while sustaining only minor injuries to internal organs

8. Fat rolls in the breadbasket can project small objects with the force of a lemon lobbed by a leftie with his right arm

7.
Ultra strong ass-breath can weaken mortar with 6-7 precisely aimed exhales

6.
Hurricane force eyelid fluttering can flatten anything with 14 centimeters

5.
Super steely sideburns can scratch the shit out of any opponent foolish enough to get lured into a hug

4.
Flabby side skin stretches out like wings on a partially malformed sugar glider

3.
Razor-sharp detachable nipples serve as retrievable throwing stars so long as the wind is cooperating… in both directions

2.
Flame retardant belly button lint can be used as… well, nothing

1.
Vaginal vice grip can twist open stuck peanut butter jars yet gracefully flip phonebook pages without ripping them


Al Gore Reverses Stance on Global Warming, Warns of “Cold, Serious Fucking Cold.”

January 12, 2014

AlGoreCold

In the years since he’s held office, former vice president Al Gore has made quite a name for himself doing two things, espousing the dangers of climate change and shaming millions into recycling yogurt cups. Recently though, his credibility has come under fire as temperatures around the country have plummeted far below the pointy-nip range. Even his own supporters have been taken aback by such frigid conditions. In fact, many of his self-professed Gore Whores are now crying bullshit and disparaging Al’s doomsday theories on global warming.

According to Gore’s award-winning documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, rising atmospheric temperatures are chiefly caused by the abundance of fossil fuels burned by human beings. The film foresees flooding, disease, glacial retreat and shitty beach movies as a result of the warmer climate. But instead of melting in our shoes of late, billions of Americans have been buried under arctic conditions and forced to snap icicles off of our gennies.

Retired field hand, Ernest Keep spoke candidly about his record of supporting Al Gore’s cause “You know, I bought that there Incontinent Truth video at a yard sale coz I really like the earth and it was only a buck. Fell asleep for a bit in the middle but the rest was really good. It made me care more, I think. But yeah, I totally believed in that big old Tennessee boy.  He seemed honest and it’s not like just anyone could run that giant slideshow. Can’t trust him anymore, though. He made it sound like we’d be running around on burnt toast by now and here I am like Jack fuckin’ Frost trying to find my goddamned carport on the ice planet Hoth. I mean, what the shit? I was saving my beer cans for that guy and everything.”

The former vice president rejects the notion that he was wrong, misleading or deceitful in any way. In fact, he insists that recent sub-zero temperatures actually support his theory of earth as a flaming hemorrhoid. Gore insists “Science is full of variables, it’s not perfect. Everything I’ve predicted is coming true, wacky weather and all . The only difference is the temperature itself. So, I was off by a few degrees. Big deal. Go make a snow angel. You still shouldn’t throw your Slurpee cups out the car window. Everybody’s jumping on me like I lied to them or something. I didn’t lie. I’m a good man. I played football, you know.”

Despite such justifications, nature’s cabana boy continues to draw criticism in the wake of record shattering low temperatures. Former environmental fund-raiser,  Alberto Denaro pulls no punches when it comes to these recent climatic shifts “I raised a millions of dollars for Al to stop it the global warming. It all look it like horsey shit now, and all the hottie womans are burritoed up in the wool and down. Alberto no see nothing now. Maybe  real global warmings mean skimpy bikinis because parka and mittens shit not so sexy. Fuck him this Al Gore.”

When we caught up with Mr. Environmental Savior himself, he was clearing his driveway with a custom built plutonium-fueled atomic snow dematerializer. Gore concedes the weather hasn’t been quite as he anticipated, “So yeah, ok. It’s cold, seriously fucking cold. I get that. I didn’t say it would never be cold again, just said that the planet would eventually implode like a marshmallow in the microwave. What am I, the cracker Al Roker? Maybe, it’s just not time yet. Be happy. What do you want me to do, update my PowerPoint every time it freakin’ snows?” In defense of his character, Gore adds “I don’t know why you all don’t just trust me on this. I’m honest as they get. Why else would you have almost voted me President, second only to George Weasel Bush?”


Best (or worst) Christmas Presents Received (or returned) this Year

December 26, 2013

ShittyGifts
10. Package of Infini-Dong Reusable Condoms with Deluxe Drying Tree

9. Pet Hamster from the Richard Gere Habitat for Rodent Preservation and Intestinal Exploration

8. My First Buzz: Little-Bee Starter Pot Farm

7. Dr. Breasticles’ Home Implant Kit- Now with extra blades!

6. Famous Anus Recliner Chair: Reshape your ass to emulate the posterior of your favorite celebs with genuine molded ass-a-like seats!

5. Santa’s Sack Warmer: The rechargeable underwear heater for men

4. Gift Certificate for the Kardashian Love Line Advice Network

3. Dashboard Deep Fryer

2. Senior’s Stripper Pole with shock absorbent chair lift and safety rails

1. Booger Pouch


Local Drug Dealers Protesting Dog Shit in the Parks

June 6, 2011

Giant turd harmlessly enjoying a good buzz in the park.

Dozens of area drug dealers have banded together to formally protest the mass quantities of un-scooped dog shit littering city parks. The group insists that their livelihood is being threatened by the minefield of  turds that pepper the pathways on which they conduct business. Although irresponsible pet owners have long abused liberal ordinances concerning pet clean-up, this is the first time an organized front has been formed in protest. As the city’s largest economic contributor, dope peddlers could prove to have considerable sway in the matter.

A mid-level pill pusher speaking on the condition of anonymity spoke openly about the movement’s core issues, “It’s a big turn-off for our customers, see? Especially these uptown honkies slippin’ out after dark to get their meds. They ain’t used to the smell of piss and shit everywhere, and it makes ’em real uneasy, ya dig? Well, that’s bad for business. I like my clients relaxed and comfortable so I can do some up-sellin’, yeah. Instead, they’s gagging coz somebody’s pooch ate some grapes and sprayed diarrhea all over da park. Mother fuckas need to clean that shit up, see?” The complaint has validity, as statistics show illegal drug sales dropping sharply. This, in turn, has city coordinators in a panic as their revenues are intrinsically tied with the success of local dealers. Until recently, smack vendors in particular have proven to be a great ally to the Parks & Recreation Department. This relationship cannot afford to be strained come election season.

One of the city’s top merchants of crack cocaine cites other problems with non-scooping dog walkers “Yo, I’m Big G, 555-2106. You make the call, I got it all. But, yeah. Ya’ll gots to start baggin’ them dog shits, man. My main man, B-Rock got grabbed by da Po-Po coz they found the trail of brown, bro! Sucker left dog shit foot prints halfway through the park, couldn’t even hide. That’s some selfish-ass PetSmart shit right there. Mother fuckers never heard of a pooper scooper? Man, I’m tryin’ to provide a service here!” The mayor’s office responded to Mr. G’s concerns with the following statement, “We here at City Hall are very concerned with this matter. Business entrepreneurs like Big G and his Blow Factory need to be protected from reckless and uncaring citizens. It is the position of this office to nurture the efforts of him and other businesses such as Crystal Meth-Mart. Pet owners need to understand that they are only hurting themselves by inhibiting the work of these outstanding economic supporters and social servants.”

Civilians have complained about doo-doo in the parks for years, but to no avail. Instead, they were forced to hopscotch down the paths in hopes that they didn’t pounce on a softie. Surveys have shown that most people would rather buy new shoes than pick shit out of their sneaker treads. Although that has benefitted businesses like Payless Shoes, local government receives no kickback and therefore has ignored the issue, until now. With economic stability at stake, it seems that some resolution must come out of this matter. Big G took a parting shot at pet-owners and regulators before commencing with the night’s business, “Bad enough I can’t sell during the day ’round here. Least when the sun’s out, I can see turd piles and swarms of fuckin’ flies. Can’t see nuthin’ at night, man. Y’all want da good shit, ya best pick up da bad shit.”