U.S. Moves to Ban the Letter K as War on Racism Expands

August 25, 2015

LetterKLess than six months ago, the U.S. banned confederate flags from federal cemeteries, state houses and the car roofs of hillbilly cousins whose tires squeal on dirt roads. It was a critical blow to the racist establishment. In fact, supremacists of all flavors admitted that they clearly weren’t expecting such a brutal attack on their vacant symbolism. The law crushingly put the kibosh on a heaping helping of the nation’s racial woes. Although, true freedom for all had not yet been founded, many squealed with delight at the dream of living in a land where lonely men and squeamish goats could one day live in harmony. Months after the allegorical onslaught, dozens of southern flag shops, rest areas and ass stations went out of business with the fizzle of a wet sparkler. As the hate-mongers continue to lick their wounds, the cross-hairs have once again fallen upon their teeny peenies.

A new bill has just hit the senate floor proposing the nation wide ban of the letter K. The move is a rather pointed attack on the deans of douchebaggery themselves, the KKK. Secretary of Incompetence and bill-pusher, Buck Irongroin has described the strategy as “double-wide identity assassination.” Bill Melater, receiver of the aforementioned pushing and a longtime equalish rights activist has endorsed the proposed law and it’s intent to confuse the hell out of Ku Klux Klan members, “Can you imagine what’ll happen to these guys when they don’t even know what to call themselves anymore? Ha, ha, ha! I mean, what the hell is U Lux Lan? It sounds like some kinda jeans commercial or something if you say it whisper-like! Ooh, la, la! Ha,ha! Who knows where the hell their mail will end up once we take back the Letter K!” Irongroin’s official statements have taken it even further, “Lost postcards means low meeting attendance. Anyone that’s ever been to a high-end rummage sale knows the importance of good advertising. Hell, even I have at least three Sharpies and some oak tag.”

The bill isn’t without it’s opposition though as many worry what will happen to the world’s Latin-based languages once they lose one of their sharpest consonants. Although many K-words can be retrofitted with a C-sound, the rules of grammar stand to suffer greatly with the only solace being that most Americans can barely read or write above a fifth grade level, anyway. Neighborhood roadway, Sesame Street has expressed great concern over the possible ban as the letter K has been a sponsor of the show for decades. The law could mean a financial loss of 3.84615385% for the Children’s Television Workshop. Longtime resident, Oscar the Grouch posted on his Twitter, “What? No K? Well, Fuc you! That leaves something like 25 letters!! What the hell?? That’s not enough! Even I know that and I don’t even do meth like that freaky vamp around the corner. And what’s with the counting bit, anyway? It’s like Rain Man with a thirst for blood…” Only half of Oscar’s quote actually tweeted due to character restrictions though, so the rest was pieced together and interpreted by impartial governmental white guys behind locked doors at an undisclosed location. Secretary Irongroin doesn’t refute the concerns simply stating that there will always be “collateral damage.” Shortly after, he coldly added “you’re lucky it isn’t a vowel. God bless America.”

Many have questioned the bill’s initial target of the dry cleaning business. As presented on the Senate floor, Klan members are expected to be so confused picking up their laundry without their core letters on the ticket stub that they will inevitably be exposed to the world bedding-free and likely jailed without charges or dryer sheets. Among the more questionable proponents of the bill is Kentucky senator, Bill Lagoe Thomas who’s biggest concern seems to be whether or not his state can continue to climb the alphabetical ladder.
“I realize this would be an aggressive move but c’mon, it’ll be great! I know Entucy is a crap-ass name for a state but at least we’d get to move up higher on the list and get noticed more first. The Entucians totally support this bill as it’ll finally push us up past Kansas on alphabetical state lists!” With the Letter K banned, it actually wouldn’t. Thomas later added, “Oh, and racism is bad.”

Many insist that the proposed law goes too far and would affect the everyday vernacular of the common man but Bill Melater insists otherwise, “Look, I’m on Urban Dictionary as much as anyone else. I realize there’s going to be changes that I don’t like too but racism is bad for business and we need to stop pretending that we can’t stop it in it’s tracks with a good firm shot to the wedding taters. It’s not about us anymore, people. We’ll need to be far less selfie if we’re going to beat down the big brown beast of bigotry.” As always, Senator Irongroin had the final word, this time to those who accuse him of backing a cruel and hostile law, “Hey, we took the high road with this, okay, so deal with it. It could’ve been much more severe. There was a push to launch a bedbug attack on KKK sheet suppliers but thankfully my party owns a biological warfare guy that talked them out of it. Besides, we’re saving those critters for some different colored poor people.” Despite opposing views, the 1-Color Bill, as it’s called is expected to become law and change the face of race relations. If it is effective as expected, we could see a significant drop in hate crimes by this time next year. Perhaps, we’ll all be able to sigh in relief as we finally see the bloody history of the hateful letter K fade away in our memories thanks to rational lawmaking and a quest for old-fashioned, ivory justice.

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Future Federal Spending Might Include Gifts For Celebri-Spawn

June 23, 2013

taxpayer_dollarsIt’s no secret that the U.S. government collects billions of dollars through sales and payroll taxes. That’s hard-earned money yanked out of our pockets leaving us with little more than chump change, cotton lint and that emergency condom that’s been around so long you might as well start picking names for the kid that would likely ensue from its use. So aside from the well-documented uses such as infrastructure, foreign aid and social programs, where else does that tax money go? Millions of dollars are quietly put towards pet projects and clandestine causes that rarely get reported. Are these ventures justified or merely frivolous bullshit pushed forth by selfish pud-pulling politicians? Only you can decide.

Best & Worst Uses of Taxpayer Dollars (that you didn’t know about)
10. Investment in the  Steven Segal Center for Cultural Arts, Squinting & Ponytail Styling.

9. Scholarship for the Happy-Lap Grinding Course at the Stripper Institute of America.

8. Funding production of a career spanning 7-minute DVD of Pauly Shore’s funniest moments.

7. Recruitment of congressmen to form a world class pocket-pool team for 2016 Olympics.

6. Passing a bill to block the reformation or reunion of any boy band… ever.

5. Sending Edible Arrangement baskets to suspected terrorists throughout the world to expose them to the joys of western gluttony.

4. Compensation for graduates/victims of The Dick Cheney Hunting School.

3. Federally backed appointment of Jerry Springer as Ambassador of Self esteem to accompany his Certificate of Achievement in Chair-Throwing & Weave-Pulling.

2. Enacting a nationwide gag order on all celebrities wishing to speak outside their immediate area of expertise. Yeah, I’m looking at you Paula Deen.

1. Construction of a time machine to dial back the decades and halt the seed of all things Kardashian.

 


Local Drug Dealers Protesting Dog Shit in the Parks

June 6, 2011

Giant turd harmlessly enjoying a good buzz in the park.

Dozens of area drug dealers have banded together to formally protest the mass quantities of un-scooped dog shit littering city parks. The group insists that their livelihood is being threatened by the minefield of  turds that pepper the pathways on which they conduct business. Although irresponsible pet owners have long abused liberal ordinances concerning pet clean-up, this is the first time an organized front has been formed in protest. As the city’s largest economic contributor, dope peddlers could prove to have considerable sway in the matter.

A mid-level pill pusher speaking on the condition of anonymity spoke openly about the movement’s core issues, “It’s a big turn-off for our customers, see? Especially these uptown honkies slippin’ out after dark to get their meds. They ain’t used to the smell of piss and shit everywhere, and it makes ’em real uneasy, ya dig? Well, that’s bad for business. I like my clients relaxed and comfortable so I can do some up-sellin’, yeah. Instead, they’s gagging coz somebody’s pooch ate some grapes and sprayed diarrhea all over da park. Mother fuckas need to clean that shit up, see?” The complaint has validity, as statistics show illegal drug sales dropping sharply. This, in turn, has city coordinators in a panic as their revenues are intrinsically tied with the success of local dealers. Until recently, smack vendors in particular have proven to be a great ally to the Parks & Recreation Department. This relationship cannot afford to be strained come election season.

One of the city’s top merchants of crack cocaine cites other problems with non-scooping dog walkers “Yo, I’m Big G, 555-2106. You make the call, I got it all. But, yeah. Ya’ll gots to start baggin’ them dog shits, man. My main man, B-Rock got grabbed by da Po-Po coz they found the trail of brown, bro! Sucker left dog shit foot prints halfway through the park, couldn’t even hide. That’s some selfish-ass PetSmart shit right there. Mother fuckers never heard of a pooper scooper? Man, I’m tryin’ to provide a service here!” The mayor’s office responded to Mr. G’s concerns with the following statement, “We here at City Hall are very concerned with this matter. Business entrepreneurs like Big G and his Blow Factory need to be protected from reckless and uncaring citizens. It is the position of this office to nurture the efforts of him and other businesses such as Crystal Meth-Mart. Pet owners need to understand that they are only hurting themselves by inhibiting the work of these outstanding economic supporters and social servants.”

Civilians have complained about doo-doo in the parks for years, but to no avail. Instead, they were forced to hopscotch down the paths in hopes that they didn’t pounce on a softie. Surveys have shown that most people would rather buy new shoes than pick shit out of their sneaker treads. Although that has benefitted businesses like Payless Shoes, local government receives no kickback and therefore has ignored the issue, until now. With economic stability at stake, it seems that some resolution must come out of this matter. Big G took a parting shot at pet-owners and regulators before commencing with the night’s business, “Bad enough I can’t sell during the day ’round here. Least when the sun’s out, I can see turd piles and swarms of fuckin’ flies. Can’t see nuthin’ at night, man. Y’all want da good shit, ya best pick up da bad shit.”