Al Gore Reverses Stance on Global Warming, Warns of “Cold, Serious Fucking Cold.”

January 12, 2014

AlGoreCold

In the years since he’s held office, former vice president Al Gore has made quite a name for himself doing two things, espousing the dangers of climate change and shaming millions into recycling yogurt cups. Recently though, his credibility has come under fire as temperatures around the country have plummeted far below the pointy-nip range. Even his own supporters have been taken aback by such frigid conditions. In fact, many of his self-professed Gore Whores are now crying bullshit and disparaging Al’s doomsday theories on global warming.

According to Gore’s award-winning documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, rising atmospheric temperatures are chiefly caused by the abundance of fossil fuels burned by human beings. The film foresees flooding, disease, glacial retreat and shitty beach movies as a result of the warmer climate. But instead of melting in our shoes of late, billions of Americans have been buried under arctic conditions and forced to snap icicles off of our gennies.

Retired field hand, Ernest Keep spoke candidly about his record of supporting Al Gore’s cause “You know, I bought that there Incontinent Truth video at a yard sale coz I really like the earth and it was only a buck. Fell asleep for a bit in the middle but the rest was really good. It made me care more, I think. But yeah, I totally believed in that big old Tennessee boy.  He seemed honest and it’s not like just anyone could run that giant slideshow. Can’t trust him anymore, though. He made it sound like we’d be running around on burnt toast by now and here I am like Jack fuckin’ Frost trying to find my goddamned carport on the ice planet Hoth. I mean, what the shit? I was saving my beer cans for that guy and everything.”

The former vice president rejects the notion that he was wrong, misleading or deceitful in any way. In fact, he insists that recent sub-zero temperatures actually support his theory of earth as a flaming hemorrhoid. Gore insists “Science is full of variables, it’s not perfect. Everything I’ve predicted is coming true, wacky weather and all . The only difference is the temperature itself. So, I was off by a few degrees. Big deal. Go make a snow angel. You still shouldn’t throw your Slurpee cups out the car window. Everybody’s jumping on me like I lied to them or something. I didn’t lie. I’m a good man. I played football, you know.”

Despite such justifications, nature’s cabana boy continues to draw criticism in the wake of record shattering low temperatures. Former environmental fund-raiser,  Alberto Denaro pulls no punches when it comes to these recent climatic shifts “I raised a millions of dollars for Al to stop it the global warming. It all look it like horsey shit now, and all the hottie womans are burritoed up in the wool and down. Alberto no see nothing now. Maybe  real global warmings mean skimpy bikinis because parka and mittens shit not so sexy. Fuck him this Al Gore.”

When we caught up with Mr. Environmental Savior himself, he was clearing his driveway with a custom built plutonium-fueled atomic snow dematerializer. Gore concedes the weather hasn’t been quite as he anticipated, “So yeah, ok. It’s cold, seriously fucking cold. I get that. I didn’t say it would never be cold again, just said that the planet would eventually implode like a marshmallow in the microwave. What am I, the cracker Al Roker? Maybe, it’s just not time yet. Be happy. What do you want me to do, update my PowerPoint every time it freakin’ snows?” In defense of his character, Gore adds “I don’t know why you all don’t just trust me on this. I’m honest as they get. Why else would you have almost voted me President, second only to George Weasel Bush?”

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It’s Not Easy Going Green

October 9, 2010

 

Feelin' green? Bite some green!

Consumers will buy anything that's green these days even if it's moldy bread.

 

Disclaimer: This blog is all-natural and eco-friendly. Its green and brown packaging is organically produced and completely harmless to anyone of importance.

If you believe that, I’d like to sell you a new ass with all the accesories. Our world is plastered with these purported badges of good health and earthy goodness. Am I really expected to believe that human beings care about their bodies and environment? How the hell has centuries of self-indulgence, gluttony and ecological rape led to monkey-piss facial scrubs and mint flavored toilet paper coated with honeybee jizz?

Under the pretense of benevolence, the marketing gurus are whoring out Mother Earth to gullible consumers in desperate need of a self-image makeover. The color Green is being sold as the standard bearer of all things good and healthy. I beg to differ. In fact, I just ate some  greened-over, fuzzy-looking fried rice from Chin Lu’s day-old buffet bin and now I feel awful. The only thing Green indicates is a shift in strategy. The glossy blister-packs and flashy packaging of yesterday have morphed into fecal-brown boxes and mucus splattered wrapping for today’s “more aware” shopper. Are we really so dense to think that brown and green Styrofoam is somehow better for the environment? Bland color schemes don’t save trees or rescue animals. Nor does it save our colons from periodic bouts of flare-shooting flatulence. Cancer isn’t attracted to flashy colors like a shark to a diver’s wristwatch. Green is just another ink made in China. It has no soul and it wears no halo.

Perhaps more offensive to me than the gullibility and chicanery involved with all of this is the cost. These supposedly healthier foods and eco-friendly products are more expensive than their preservative packed and chemically enhanced counterparts. I realize that natural cleaning sprays do little more than smell fruity and leave streaks but shouldn’t they be cheaper without the laundry list of chemical additives thrown in? By the same rationale, organic vegetables should be more affordable without all the pricey pesticides sprayed on. Besides, both people and animals walk, piss and shit on the same earth that food grows in. If you can deal with that, a little toxic bug spray ain’t gonna add nothin’ but flavor to the dining experience. You might as well belly on up and enjoy your broccoli with a little Black Flag and mustard sauce!

Most of these so-called natural products aren’t much different than their forebears. For example, the advent of brown coffee filters just leaves me limp. They accomplish the same simple task that the Wonder whities do; they keep my coffee from getting crunchy. The fact that they were ever bleached like a porn star’s asshole in the first place was just someone’s way of pandering to the fears of White America. Wanna impress me? Stuff your soiled undies in the filter basket and brew your coffee with some genuine anal essence. Think of it as the ultimate form of recycling.

Green brands of toilet paper are an even bigger joke. If you wanna be natural about wiping yourself, try using some poison ivy leaves. That way, you can ponder your progressive stance while dribbling calamine lotion down your itchy ass crack. And while we’re all pretending to care so much, let’s indulge in some extra-nicotine cigarettes with a whole wheat filter. That’ll make it okay. How about downing a bottle of Jack Daniels infused with Omega-3 antioxidants? Can I offer you some multi-grain cotton candy? How about some low-sodium heroin? The majority of these products serve no other purpose than to make self-obsessed people feel better about themselves and the piggish lives they’ve led.

Embracing the color of snot and crap will not redeem anybody’s soul, save a single tree or grant another day of life. The illusion of caring has trumped any true love affair with nature that humans might once have possessed. Extolling  these products is like going to church to show off your new clothes. Happy Sunday, everybody.

 

brown coffee filters

Crap-flavored coffee filters can add an interesting zest to your morning java.