- “Laminate floors are pretty resistant to blood and semen stains. You’ll never guess what happened in that corner over there.”
- “House is pre-wired for illegal cable. Oh, and the fart fans have industrial strength motors.”
- “The crack house next door is a waste of money, don’t bother. The neighborhood cops sell the really good shit.”
- “The woman screaming in the attic was locked up there to sweat the devil out of her. Just ignore her, she’ll fall asleep eventually.”
- “Oh, I leave those broken liquor bottles on the lawn just to discourage the neighbors from trespassing. They have no shoes.”
- “Any bodies buried in backyard has long since decomposed so you ain’t gotta worry about it reeking like Dahmer’s basement.”
- “The plumbing was designed to use the entire house as a bong when the toilet is dried out and filled with weed.”
- “I cut sniper holes in the garage door to make it easy to pick off passers-by on the sidewalk.”
- “I always thought this would be a great location for an upstart prostitution ring; lots of local talent ’round here, I gotta say…”
- “You know, this house was once occupied by a really nice handyman who only occasionally experienced psychotic episodes involving power tools and people’s faces.”