Top Ten Things I Probably Shouldn’t Have Said While Trying To Sell My House

April 26, 2012
  1. “Laminate floors are pretty resistant to blood and semen stains. You’ll never guess what happened in that corner over there.”
  2. “House is pre-wired for illegal cable. Oh, and the fart fans have industrial strength motors.”
  3. “The crack house next door is a waste of money, don’t bother. The neighborhood cops sell the really good shit.”
  4. “The woman screaming in the attic was locked up there to sweat the devil out of her. Just ignore her, she’ll fall asleep eventually.”
  5. “Oh, I leave those broken liquor bottles on the lawn just to discourage the neighbors from trespassing. They have no shoes.”
  6. “Any bodies buried in backyard has long since decomposed so you ain’t gotta worry about it reeking like Dahmer’s basement.”
  7. “The plumbing was designed to use the entire house as a bong when the toilet is dried out and  filled with weed.”
  8. “I cut sniper holes in the garage door to make it easy to pick off passers-by on the sidewalk.”
  9. “I always thought this would be a great location for an upstart prostitution ring;  lots of local talent ’round here, I gotta say…”
  10. “You know, this house was once occupied by a really nice handyman who only occasionally experienced psychotic episodes involving power tools and people’s faces.”

 

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