U.S. Moves to Ban the Letter K as War on Racism Expands

August 25, 2015

LetterKLess than six months ago, the U.S. banned confederate flags from federal cemeteries, state houses and the car roofs of hillbilly cousins whose tires squeal on dirt roads. It was a critical blow to the racist establishment. In fact, supremacists of all flavors admitted that they clearly weren’t expecting such a brutal attack on their vacant symbolism. The law crushingly put the kibosh on a heaping helping of the nation’s racial woes. Although, true freedom for all had not yet been founded, many squealed with delight at the dream of living in a land where lonely men and squeamish goats could one day live in harmony. Months after the allegorical onslaught, dozens of southern flag shops, rest areas and ass stations went out of business with the fizzle of a wet sparkler. As the hate-mongers continue to lick their wounds, the cross-hairs have once again fallen upon their teeny peenies.

A new bill has just hit the senate floor proposing the nation wide ban of the letter K. The move is a rather pointed attack on the deans of douchebaggery themselves, the KKK. Secretary of Incompetence and bill-pusher, Buck Irongroin has described the strategy as “double-wide identity assassination.” Bill Melater, receiver of the aforementioned pushing and a longtime equalish rights activist has endorsed the proposed law and it’s intent to confuse the hell out of Ku Klux Klan members, “Can you imagine what’ll happen to these guys when they don’t even know what to call themselves anymore? Ha, ha, ha! I mean, what the hell is U Lux Lan? It sounds like some kinda jeans commercial or something if you say it whisper-like! Ooh, la, la! Ha,ha! Who knows where the hell their mail will end up once we take back the Letter K!” Irongroin’s official statements have taken it even further, “Lost postcards means low meeting attendance. Anyone that’s ever been to a high-end rummage sale knows the importance of good advertising. Hell, even I have at least three Sharpies and some oak tag.”

The bill isn’t without it’s opposition though as many worry what will happen to the world’s Latin-based languages once they lose one of their sharpest consonants. Although many K-words can be retrofitted with a C-sound, the rules of grammar stand to suffer greatly with the only solace being that most Americans can barely read or write above a fifth grade level, anyway. Neighborhood roadway, Sesame Street has expressed great concern over the possible ban as the letter K has been a sponsor of the show for decades. The law could mean a financial loss of 3.84615385% for the Children’s Television Workshop. Longtime resident, Oscar the Grouch posted on his Twitter, “What? No K? Well, Fuc you! That leaves something like 25 letters!! What the hell?? That’s not enough! Even I know that and I don’t even do meth like that freaky vamp around the corner. And what’s with the counting bit, anyway? It’s like Rain Man with a thirst for blood…” Only half of Oscar’s quote actually tweeted due to character restrictions though, so the rest was pieced together and interpreted by impartial governmental white guys behind locked doors at an undisclosed location. Secretary Irongroin doesn’t refute the concerns simply stating that there will always be “collateral damage.” Shortly after, he coldly added “you’re lucky it isn’t a vowel. God bless America.”

Many have questioned the bill’s initial target of the dry cleaning business. As presented on the Senate floor, Klan members are expected to be so confused picking up their laundry without their core letters on the ticket stub that they will inevitably be exposed to the world bedding-free and likely jailed without charges or dryer sheets. Among the more questionable proponents of the bill is Kentucky senator, Bill Lagoe Thomas who’s biggest concern seems to be whether or not his state can continue to climb the alphabetical ladder.
“I realize this would be an aggressive move but c’mon, it’ll be great! I know Entucy is a crap-ass name for a state but at least we’d get to move up higher on the list and get noticed more first. The Entucians totally support this bill as it’ll finally push us up past Kansas on alphabetical state lists!” With the Letter K banned, it actually wouldn’t. Thomas later added, “Oh, and racism is bad.”

Many insist that the proposed law goes too far and would affect the everyday vernacular of the common man but Bill Melater insists otherwise, “Look, I’m on Urban Dictionary as much as anyone else. I realize there’s going to be changes that I don’t like too but racism is bad for business and we need to stop pretending that we can’t stop it in it’s tracks with a good firm shot to the wedding taters. It’s not about us anymore, people. We’ll need to be far less selfie if we’re going to beat down the big brown beast of bigotry.” As always, Senator Irongroin had the final word, this time to those who accuse him of backing a cruel and hostile law, “Hey, we took the high road with this, okay, so deal with it. It could’ve been much more severe. There was a push to launch a bedbug attack on KKK sheet suppliers but thankfully my party owns a biological warfare guy that talked them out of it. Besides, we’re saving those critters for some different colored poor people.” Despite opposing views, the 1-Color Bill, as it’s called is expected to become law and change the face of race relations. If it is effective as expected, we could see a significant drop in hate crimes by this time next year. Perhaps, we’ll all be able to sigh in relief as we finally see the bloody history of the hateful letter K fade away in our memories thanks to rational lawmaking and a quest for old-fashioned, ivory justice.

It’s Not Easy Going Green

October 9, 2010


Feelin' green? Bite some green!

Consumers will buy anything that's green these days even if it's moldy bread.


Disclaimer: This blog is all-natural and eco-friendly. Its green and brown packaging is organically produced and completely harmless to anyone of importance.

If you believe that, I’d like to sell you a new ass with all the accesories. Our world is plastered with these purported badges of good health and earthy goodness. Am I really expected to believe that human beings care about their bodies and environment? How the hell has centuries of self-indulgence, gluttony and ecological rape led to monkey-piss facial scrubs and mint flavored toilet paper coated with honeybee jizz?

Under the pretense of benevolence, the marketing gurus are whoring out Mother Earth to gullible consumers in desperate need of a self-image makeover. The color Green is being sold as the standard bearer of all things good and healthy. I beg to differ. In fact, I just ate some  greened-over, fuzzy-looking fried rice from Chin Lu’s day-old buffet bin and now I feel awful. The only thing Green indicates is a shift in strategy. The glossy blister-packs and flashy packaging of yesterday have morphed into fecal-brown boxes and mucus splattered wrapping for today’s “more aware” shopper. Are we really so dense to think that brown and green Styrofoam is somehow better for the environment? Bland color schemes don’t save trees or rescue animals. Nor does it save our colons from periodic bouts of flare-shooting flatulence. Cancer isn’t attracted to flashy colors like a shark to a diver’s wristwatch. Green is just another ink made in China. It has no soul and it wears no halo.

Perhaps more offensive to me than the gullibility and chicanery involved with all of this is the cost. These supposedly healthier foods and eco-friendly products are more expensive than their preservative packed and chemically enhanced counterparts. I realize that natural cleaning sprays do little more than smell fruity and leave streaks but shouldn’t they be cheaper without the laundry list of chemical additives thrown in? By the same rationale, organic vegetables should be more affordable without all the pricey pesticides sprayed on. Besides, both people and animals walk, piss and shit on the same earth that food grows in. If you can deal with that, a little toxic bug spray ain’t gonna add nothin’ but flavor to the dining experience. You might as well belly on up and enjoy your broccoli with a little Black Flag and mustard sauce!

Most of these so-called natural products aren’t much different than their forebears. For example, the advent of brown coffee filters just leaves me limp. They accomplish the same simple task that the Wonder whities do; they keep my coffee from getting crunchy. The fact that they were ever bleached like a porn star’s asshole in the first place was just someone’s way of pandering to the fears of White America. Wanna impress me? Stuff your soiled undies in the filter basket and brew your coffee with some genuine anal essence. Think of it as the ultimate form of recycling.

Green brands of toilet paper are an even bigger joke. If you wanna be natural about wiping yourself, try using some poison ivy leaves. That way, you can ponder your progressive stance while dribbling calamine lotion down your itchy ass crack. And while we’re all pretending to care so much, let’s indulge in some extra-nicotine cigarettes with a whole wheat filter. That’ll make it okay. How about downing a bottle of Jack Daniels infused with Omega-3 antioxidants? Can I offer you some multi-grain cotton candy? How about some low-sodium heroin? The majority of these products serve no other purpose than to make self-obsessed people feel better about themselves and the piggish lives they’ve led.

Embracing the color of snot and crap will not redeem anybody’s soul, save a single tree or grant another day of life. The illusion of caring has trumped any true love affair with nature that humans might once have possessed. Extolling  these products is like going to church to show off your new clothes. Happy Sunday, everybody.


brown coffee filters

Crap-flavored coffee filters can add an interesting zest to your morning java.