Top Ten Things I Probably Shouldn’t Have Said While Trying To Sell My House

1. “Laminate floors are pretty resistant to blood and semen stains. You’ll never guess what happened in that corner over there.”
2. “House is pre-wired for illegal cable. Oh, and the fart fans have industrial strength motors.”
3. “The crack house next door is a waste of money, don’t bother. The neighborhood cops sell the really good shit.”
4. “The woman screaming in the attic was locked up there to sweat the devil out of her. Just ignore her, she’ll fall asleep eventually.”
5. “Oh, I leave those broken liquor bottles on the lawn just to discourage the neighbors from trespassing. They have no shoes.”
6. “Any bodies buried in backyard has long since decomposed so you ain’t gotta worry about it reeking like Dahmer’s basement.”
7. “The plumbing was designed to use the entire house as a bong when the toilet is dried out and  filled with weed.”
8. “I cut sniper holes in the garage door to make it easy to pick off passers-by on the sidewalk.”
9. “I always thought this would be a great location for an upstart prostitution ring;  lots of local talent ’round here, I gotta say…”
10. “You know, this house was once occupied by a really nice handyman who only occasionally experienced psychotic episodes involving power tools and people’s faces.”

 

Signs The Recession Has Affected You

1. You’re pushing a full shopping cart and you’re miles from any store.
2. Your clothes haven’t been washed in so long, your jeans crunch when you walk
3. Your stomach grumbles when you smell cat food
4. The park bench doesn’t seem all that uncomfortable anymore.
5. The supermarket’s clearance cooler is tempting you towards the sale on graying meat
6. You’ve stopped making jokes about Big-Lots.
7. Your tires are bald… on your new house
8. You’ve switched from Reynolds Wrap to the no-frills brand of aluminum foil… for  your TV antenna
9. You’re finding new and exciting uses for duct tape, some of them medical
10. You’ve switched back to AOL dial-up for 20 hours of monthly internet use

 

Snapshot of the Ant's Rants Financial Investment Portfolio