Star Wars Secrets and Spoilers… oh, my!

10. Imperial Walker previously thought to be gender non-specific gets caught taping giant iron balls up its ass.

9. In light of recent misplaced xenophobic violence, Tusken Raiders ask to no longer be called Sand People.

8. Harrison Ford’s character gets caught in the cantina bathroom giving himself a Hand Solo.

7. Epic battle between Droids and iPhones will finally get resolved.

6. Karma Foods pulls new Boba Fett popsicles off the shelf due to bad taste…

5. Luke finally accepts that the “Dark Side of the Force” does NOT refer to his child-wood for Lt. Uhura of Star Trek.

4. Returning actors inspire new tagline “May the FloMax Pee Through You.”

3. Chewbacca wears hair extensions made from endangered space-ies.

2. Darth Vader’s helmet modeled after James Earl Jones’ wang tip.

1. Yoda uses the Force to finally extract Frank Oz’s hand from his ass.

Self-Absorbed Asshole Enjoys the Hell out of Father’s Day

Whether by blood or human bonding, the father figure has historically been treated with great reverence. Hence, our annual celebration of the ones we know as Dad, Papa, Darth or StepFucker. Sadly, an alarming number of fathers are undeserving of these accolades but, as Americans we do our part to grease the gears of capitalism by taking part in the charade, nonetheless. After all, somebody has to rape the forests of their life blood. Why not, Hallmark?

Ahmnat Ward is an international banking professional and father of an unknown quantity who prefers to spend time by himself than with what he refers to as the “sack dwarves.” “Look, I got kids. A mega fuck-slew of ’em. I think of them as my little anonymous army. I travel you know, so I’ve sprayed my seed halfway ’round the country and even dropped a few shots in some border towns for color. Overseas, too. I’m sure there were dry loads along the way too but who keeps track of these things? Point is, I just don’t like kids. BUT, I really like gifts, LOTS of them!” Ward’s shameless admission speaks to the selfishness of the Gimme Gimme Generation. When asked if he feels any responsibility for the poop-jockeys he’s brought in to the world, he exclaimed with excitement “My birthday and Father’s Day are the best! I get so much cool shit in the mail from kids I didn’t even know about! Some don’t even spell my name right, ha, ha. I love the ones written in crayon that matches the ribbon! But seriously though, the gifts are great. Their Mom probably put them up to sending me something, which is pretty awesome. Way to go, forgettable females! No clue how they ever find me but I’m always glad they do. Kids never have much money but they’re desperate to please which makes them damned good gift-givers, in my book. That’s from the heart, too. I feel that shit. I really cleaned up last June. Not just cards, but calculators, radios, neckties and pen sets. I even got some of that celebrity cologne so I can splash on the sweat of Andre the Giant. No re-gifting, either. That shit is mine, baby, mine. Some teenager named Helmut sent me a shoe-stretcher! No idea why anyone would want to stretch a shoe when you can get two for one at Payless but I love anything that has to be unwrapped! Oh, and for the record that kid’s name definitely wasn’t my idea.”

Thankfully, most father figures don’t subscribe to Ahmnat Ward’s particular brand of parental dickishness. Positive role models still exist here and there but looking to popular culture for moral guidance might not be the best idea. Even Ahmnat rejects television icons as role models, albeit not for the expected reasons. “You’d have to have anal warts on your brain to adopt three more kids than you already have like that guy on TV did, especially on an architect’s salary. I mean, the number of presents you get would be totally awesome and almost worth it but you pretty much pay for them yourself by shoveling grub into those dirty face-holes all year round. Shit, no wonder the guy became a gay alkie.” As a final stab into the heart of the paternal institution, Ward added “To me, every day should be Father’s Day. I love the discounts and free admission to the zoo… by myself, of course. I even love the smiles from flirty women who seem to know I’m wearing a pair of socks given to me by a faceless kid in Bangladesh.”

Lamest Powers of Wannabe X-Men

According to comic book lore, human beings possessing the X gene have the potential to become one of the mighty X-Men, whether it be for good or evil. That is of course assuming that they survive the blast of radiation that initially empowers them without later suffering the horrors of cancer. Without a doubt, all of our favorite X-Men possess powers to be reckoned with such as mind control, magnetic influence and extreme weather forecasting. But, what about the other mutants whose powers never develop into something useful like making ice cream materialize out of thin air? I’m sure there’s plenty of people that have opened the microwave door too quickly and sucked up more than their share of Chinese gamma rays. However, the radiation just isn’t strong enough to effectively alter someone’s body chemistry much less properly cook their baked potato. So, if  palm freckles are all that type of incident can result in, I’m pretty sure the exposed victim doesn’t deserve a leather bodysuit and a bad-ass nickname to prefix his gender. So, aiming slightly higher than glowing skin blemishes, let’s look at the lamest powers ever possessed by nameless mutants that will never be cool enough to be X-Men.

10. Toe knuckle hair as strong as piano wire but harder to tune

9. Can swallow bullets and shoot them out the ass while sustaining only minor injuries to internal organs

8. Fat rolls in the breadbasket can project small objects with the force of a lemon lobbed by a leftie with his right arm

7. Ultra strong ass-breath can weaken mortar with 6-7 precisely aimed exhales

6. Hurricane force eyelid fluttering can flatten anything with 14 centimeters

5. Super steely sideburns can scratch the shit out of any opponent foolish enough to get lured into a hug

4. Flabby side skin stretches out like wings on a partially malformed sugar glider

3. Razor-sharp detachable nipples serve as retrievable throwing stars so long as the wind is cooperating… in both directions

2. Flame retardant belly button lint can be used as… well, nothing

1. Vaginal vice grip can twist open stuck peanut butter jars yet gracefully flip phonebook pages without ripping them

Philandering Lesbian Blasts Gay-Marriage Supporters

2013 was a celebratory year for gays and lesbians throughout the country. Numerous states voted to legalize gay marriage entitling same-sex spouses to medical and tax benefits as well as gratuitous groping of each other’s junk in public. Heterosexuals nation-wide rallied behind the flag of equal rights in an effort to win the political favor of those that enjoy the same kind of genitalia they see naked in the mirror. Although many lips and tips have been pleased with the support, not every homosexual appreciates the elevated level of attention.

Womanizing lesbian, Edie Berber is a professional arc welder that’s fiercely defensive of her lifestyle. She describes herself simply as “your average ho, looking for free drinks and some fresh moose-knuckle.” Edie has been working the downtown scene since the early eighties when she says “we all just wanted to strap one on and have fun. It was about getting laid. Nobody cared about marriage, white picket fences and all that Leave It To My Beaver bullshit.” The crop-haired Berber insists that the media frenzy surrounding gay marriage has adversely affected her ability to engage in meaningless dalliances with other fur traders, “Look, I ain’t lookin’ for nobody’s help. I’m at the Labia Lounge three nights a week picking up raw stank and I’m pretty good at it too. I just wanna keep my average up, ya know? But all that domestic talk scares away the fresh fish. Either that or I give ’em a sip of my drink and they’re ready to buy Hers & Hers towels together. The whole scene is whack now. It’s like all you people are clam-jamming and don’t even know it. You think I wanna keep some bitch named Frankie? Get real.”

Despite being off the marriage market, Edie Berber appreciates the right to wed if she were to ever choose to do so…. well, sort of. “Shit, I guess if you always want your mouth tasting the same, that’s great. Ain’t for me, though. I ain’t tryin’ to be part of no damned Brady Munch. I’d shit thumbtacks before I wake up face down on the same carpet every morning.” When we reached Edie’s trailer for a follow-up interview, we found her naked and alone grinding her drunken privates against an old bean bag chair as she wept. She quickly finished herself off before wailing how she’d struck out on Nipple Night at the Tuna Club. “I got slapped twice for one grope, had my hand sat on once and had three drinks thrown in my puss. On top of that I got two marriage proposals. Two! What the hell am I supposed to do with that, rub it in my bird’s nest?” Edie sobbed. “Why do you self-righteous assholes always gotta be goddamned saviors? I should be motorboating some bitch on a barstool right now! Instead, I’m home alone… yet again, with an unopened bottle of rufies and a pair of dead D-cells. Fuck off, you meddling breeders!”

Al Gore Reverses Stance on Global Warming, Warns of “Cold, Serious Fucking Cold.”

In the years since he’s held office, former vice president Al Gore has made quite a name for himself doing two things, espousing the dangers of climate change and shaming millions into recycling yogurt cups. Recently though, his credibility has come under fire as temperatures around the country have plummeted far below the pointy-nip range. Even his own supporters have been taken aback by such frigid conditions. In fact, many of his self-professed Gore Whores are now crying bullshit and disparaging Al’s doomsday theories on global warming.

According to Gore’s award-winning documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, rising atmospheric temperatures are chiefly caused by the abundance of fossil fuels burned by human beings. The film foresees flooding, disease, glacial retreat and shitty beach movies as a result of the warmer climate. But instead of melting in our shoes of late, billions of Americans have been buried under arctic conditions and forced to snap icicles off of our gennies.

Retired field hand, Ernest Keep spoke candidly about his record of supporting Al Gore’s cause “You know, I bought that there Incontinent Truth video at a yard sale coz I really like the earth and it was only a buck. Fell asleep for a bit in the middle but the rest was really good. It made me care more, I think. But yeah, I totally believed in that big old Tennessee boy.  He seemed honest and it’s not like just anyone could run that giant slideshow. Can’t trust him anymore, though. He made it sound like we’d be running around on burnt toast by now and here I am like Jack fuckin’ Frost trying to find my goddamned carport on the ice planet Hoth. I mean, what the shit? I was saving my beer cans for that guy and everything.”

The former vice president rejects the notion that he was wrong, misleading or deceitful in any way. In fact, he insists that recent sub-zero temperatures actually support his theory of earth as a flaming hemorrhoid. Gore insists “Science is full of variables, it’s not perfect. Everything I’ve predicted is coming true, wacky weather and all . The only difference is the temperature itself. So, I was off by a few degrees. Big deal. Go make a snow angel. You still shouldn’t throw your Slurpee cups out the car window. Everybody’s jumping on me like I lied to them or something. I didn’t lie. I’m a good man. I played football, you know.”

Despite such justifications, nature’s cabana boy continues to draw criticism in the wake of record shattering low temperatures. Former environmental fund-raiser,  Alberto Denaro pulls no punches when it comes to these recent climatic shifts “I raised a millions of dollars for Al to stop it the global warming. It all look it like horsey shit now, and all the hottie womans are burritoed up in the wool and down. Alberto no see nothing now. Maybe  real global warmings mean skimpy bikinis because parka and mittens shit not so sexy. Fuck him this Al Gore.”

When we caught up with Mr. Environmental Savior himself, he was clearing his driveway with a custom built plutonium-fueled atomic snow dematerializer. Gore concedes the weather hasn’t been quite as he anticipated, “So yeah, ok. It’s cold, seriously fucking cold. I get that. I didn’t say it would never be cold again, just said that the planet would eventually implode like a marshmallow in the microwave. What am I, the cracker Al Roker? Maybe, it’s just not time yet. Be happy. What do you want me to do, update my PowerPoint every time it freakin’ snows?” In defense of his character, Gore adds “I don’t know why you all don’t just trust me on this. I’m honest as they get. Why else would you have almost voted me President, second only to George Weasel Bush?”

Best (or worst) Christmas Presents Received (or returned) this Year

10. Package of Infini-Dong Reusable Condoms with Deluxe Drying Tree

9. Pet Hamster from the Richard Gere Habitat for Rodent Preservation and Intestinal Exploration

8. My First Buzz: Little-Bee Starter Pot Farm

7. Dr. Breasticles’ Home Implant Kit- Now with extra blades!

6. Famous Anus Recliner Chair: Reshape your ass to emulate the posterior of your favorite celebs with genuine molded ass-a-like seats!

5. Santa’s Sack Warmer: The rechargeable underwear heater for men

4. Gift Certificate for the Kardashian Love Line Advice Network

3. Dashboard Deep Fryer

2. Senior’s Stripper Pole with shock absorbent chair lift and safety rails

1. Booger Pouch

House Rules (And Things You Should Know Before Visiting)

Your safety is important here at Ant's Rants Central. For that reason, management suggests you party responsibly with a hard hat, safety goggles and knee pads in place.

1. Please evacuate your bowels before entering my home. There is a port-a-potty at the construction site two blocks down, I’m sure you passed it on the way in. If nature calls while you’re here, at least use the amply supplied Courtesy Spray and turn on the Electric Fart Fan. Thank you.
2. If you bring Schlitz to the party and I catch you drinking Guinness, you’re getting bounced.
3. Nothing legal may be smoked under my roof.
4. If you’re fortunate enough to be dining here, don’t ask to have your food prepared in a special way or to have certain ingredients left out. It’s all cooked the same for everyone. This ain’t a Diner and my name ain’t Mel. Allergic to something? Suck up a Benadryl or scratch your itchy ass. There’s a McDonalds next to the port-a-potty. Pick-up, Dingy!
5. Don’t park on my lawn unless you plan on grading the soil and laying new sod in the morning.
6. Yes, the dog bites but don’t worry, he’s never killed on purpose.
7. Unless numerous cell phone conversations somehow pertain to your visit, please don’t use my home as a phone booth. You’re not as popular as you think you are and unless you’re a drug dealer or a bookie, your business should be conducted during normal working hours far the fuck away from my hearing range.
8. Unless your next paycheck covers the cost of a leather sectional, I suggest you avoid my furniture while showing off how much wine you can drink on an empty stomach.
9. If you’re here to party, don’t ask me to turn on the TV. Stay home if you want to lounge out, watch the game and scratch your balls with a turkey leg. Fact is, I really don’t care if  “your team” is playing. Besides, unless you own stock in a bunch of guys in tight pants with low IQs, they are not really “your team.” Trust me, they don’t care how YOU spend YOUR Sunday.
10. Happy drunks are always welcome to party here. As for the others, I have a locking broom closet that doubles as a drunk tank. It holds enough oxygen to sustain you for 41 minutes. I suggest you settle down quickly.