Top Ten Tips For A Successful Job Interview

 

Today's job market practically demands sexual favors from applicants.

1. A shot of whiskey helps get the smell of beer off your breath
2. Ask your interviewer if pants are required by the company dress code
3. Suggest Wedgie Wednesday as part of Theme Week to help boost employee morale
4. Dress for Success: denim cut-offs, rope belt and riding boots are a must!
5. Compliment the female interviewer, “Nice caboose! What time does the train leave?”
6. Refuse to answer any questions without your lawyers present
7. Really loud flatulence never fails to break the ice and ease tensions
8. Avoid mentioning the pending lawsuits you have against your previous 5 employers
9. Show the interviewer naked pictures of your spouse from the county fair freak show
10. Use industrial-strength, high-impact knee pads

Best Ideas of 2014… So Far

The best laid plans of mice and men don’t mean dick when you’re yakking in the can and pelting your face with Advil and Tums.

1. Exploding doormats to discourage solicitors
2. Cuervo IV-Drip for uninterrupted inebriation
3. New FCC regulations will now require that Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Justin BibWearer make some type of useful contribution to society  before having their name published or broadcast publicly.
4. Butt-Buzzers: Early warning ass-whistle inserted in the sphincter to signal the release of stealth-like flatulence
5. Penis Colonies: Remote islands where pedophiles, child molesters and sexual offenders are dropped off by helicopter… without a parachute. Survivors utilize their unique social skills to interact with those that appreciate inappropriate erections.
6. Body Odor Act of 2014: Mandatory daily showers enforced by law. If you can be smelled, you can be jailed.
7. Crotch-Cam video feed for FaceBook
8. Celebrity Death Hunt on RealityTV- regular people stalk the jungle fully armed with the intent of eradicating the world of celebrities they consider worthless and undeserving of fame. Baldwins beware!
9. Scented underwear by Glade
10. Sarah Palin VooDoo Doll/Inflatable Love Slave