Half Past The Cow’s Ass: A Marketing Analysis

November 16, 2010
Half Past The Cow's Ass

T-Bone, America's favorite meat-eating mascot wants you to feel comfortable with the fact that most of his life was spent in a small wooden stall with no other purpose than to please his white abusive masters.

Ah! The creative engine at work. I stand in awe before the man who first placed a cow statue in front of a Steakhouse and said, Bon Appetit! After all, whose appetite wouldn’t be whetted by the appearance of a filthy farm animal swatting flies off its ass with its own tail? The logical extension of this would be to film a commercial where a bull yanks his balls, burps and says “Eat Me.” I can’t even imagine how much money would change hooves for that ad campaign. It’s udderly ridiculous.

As a restaurant entrepreneur, I would consider it imperative to disassociate the served entree from its animal source. This is particularly true, when the source has been known to eat its own feces out of sheer boredom. I mean, I’ve had many a boring day in my life but only occasionally considered such a thing as a means of entertainment. Certainly never more than 2 or 3 times a month, tops.

When I eat prime rib, I simply want to savor the flavor. I don’t want to visualize a lumbering beast dragging his ball bag behind him picking up splinters off the barn floor. Sure, that might add a hickory chip smoked flavor to the meat, but I could still do without the mental imagery. So please, promo guys, don’t try to entertain me with cartoon animals and life-size sculptures representing my dinner. It’s too close to reality for my taste. If I had my way, sirloin and chicken breasts would be punched with a cookie cutter to resemble hearts, clubs, spades and diamonds. I’d take a royal flush of protein over chicken clits and donkey dicks, any day.

Thankfully, most American food is mulched and processed beyond recognition, anyway. Pork pudding and chicken paste is just fine with me. I just don’t want to sit down for a feast and see anything as natural as an eyeball staring back up at me or a foot that wasn’t quite quick enough. So please, call it secret sauce if you want to but don’t tell us you had to squeeze the nut sack to get it. Bon Appetit!

Mayor McCheese Lashes Out At Voters After Losing Election

November 7, 2010
Mayor McCheese

Mayor McCheese returns to Hamburger Patch where his political career began. The burger-brained politician lost by a landslide to Charlie Chicken-Dick of PeckerHead Farms.

Among the political casualties of Tuesday’s big election is none other than Mayor McCheese of McDonaldland. The ousted Mayor was considered unstoppable among fast-food politicians. The burger-headed  public servant had harsh words for the changing political landscape. “You know all this backlash started with that SuperSize Me movie. I mean, everybody dug cheeseburgers before that (hiccup.) Then suddenly, everybody is a damned snowflake and won’t eat meat. First, they’re bitching about cheese not digesting well and then it’s the fucking carbs in the bun. You know…  Just stay home and cook for your stupid kids than, you boring losers! See if I care!” McCheese spewed drunkenly towards reporters.

Despite the volatile tone of the outgoing Mayor’s statement, polls show that there is some truth to his claims. 65% of fast-food eaters are more likely to eat chicken or fish than the overly processed beef-ish burgers that McDonaldland has become famous for. This could explain the quick political rise of the Poultry Party and the tremendous victory of their candidate, Charlie Chicken-Dick. The Mayor-Elect ran on a solid platform of weight-loss and clean arteries. Chicken-Dick commented on the political power shift, “The day of the cow is over. The red meat regime is finally dead. Healthy leadership will shape our future and lower your cholesterol levels. That is my promise to you.” Even political upstart Felicia Fish-Smell  performed strongly as an independent capturing a respectable 12% of the vote among McDonaldland late lunch-goers and early-bird seniors.

Mayor McCheese’s campaign advisors will likely be blamed for what was ultimately a conscious decision by diners on behalf of their health and bursting beltlines. Lead strategist for the McCheese campaign, HamBurglar pulled no punches concerning his candidate’s loss, “robble, robble, robble, robble” he muttered unintelligibly. The comments were translated for the press by political ally and gay-rights activist Grimace, ” He said, I love meat in every possible way. I worship meat and I support meat. Meat deserved to win this election. Meat, meat, meat.” Experts speculate as to whether or not HamBurglar’s criminal background might also have contributed towards the political demise of Mayor McCheese. In 2008, criminal charges were dropped against the infamous beef-patty pilferer in a scandalous case accusing him of funding piracy for none other than Captain Crook.

The soon-to-be retired Mayor McCheese wouldn’t speculate as to the integrity of his cohorts but did have some parting words for the people of McDonaldland who put him out to pasture “You people may think you’re so (hiccup) smart giving that Chicken-Dick my job, but it ain’t gonna matter no how. Everything here is shot up with hormones (hiccup) and steroids and then fried. So, you ain’t changed a thing with this farce of an election. Enjoy your heart disease, suckers.” McCheese also hinted that his political career might not be over. “I hear that the Burger King’s constituents aren’t real happy with that freaky plastic mask he’s been wearing. I don’t blame ’em. Fucking thing gives me nightmares (burps.) But there might be an opportunity there for me to (hiccup) swoop in and take the crown. We’ll see. It’d be nice to govern somebody other than the goddamned ingrates of McDonaldland. (pause) You know, I think it should go to my credit that this experience hasn’t made me bitter.” McCheese proceeded to throw members of the press out of his room so he could sulk and finish his bottle of Jack Daniels.