January 5, 2015
10. Employers don’t seem impressed with the Linkedin profile pic of me laying on the sofa in my underwear scratching myself with a turkey leg.
9. Meow Mix doesn’t leave my breath as fishy as other leading brands.
8. Those chicks on Springer really need testing. I mean scholastic… bacterial, whatever.
7. Wednesday matinee strippers have the sex appeal of Rosie O’Donell teaching nude aerobics.
6. The liquor store lines are pretty short first thing Monday morning.
5. My proposal to become the inaugural Wal-Mart sniper tasked with cleaning up the customer base has apparently been rejected.
4. There’s a bar downtown that’ll serve me in my bathrobe and slippers.
3. The woman next door must be expecting a large package because the mailman seems to stay there for at least a half-hour or so each day delivering it.
2. At least 60% of the dog’s ball-washing is purely recreational.
1. Apparently, HandJobs.com is NOT an employment website despite the hours I’ve devoted to it.
June 23, 2013
It’s no secret that the U.S. government collects billions of dollars through sales and payroll taxes. That’s hard-earned money yanked out of our pockets leaving us with little more than chump change, cotton lint and that emergency condom that’s been around so long you might as well start picking names for the kid that would likely ensue from its use. So aside from the well-documented uses such as infrastructure, foreign aid and social programs, where else does that tax money go? Millions of dollars are quietly put towards pet projects and clandestine causes that rarely get reported. Are these ventures justified or merely frivolous bullshit pushed forth by selfish pud-pulling politicians? Only you can decide.
Best & Worst Uses of Taxpayer Dollars (that you didn’t know about)
10. Investment in the Steven Segal Center for Cultural Arts, Squinting & Ponytail Styling.
9. Scholarship for the Happy-Lap Grinding Course at the Stripper Institute of America.
8. Funding production of a career spanning 7-minute DVD of Pauly Shore’s funniest moments.
7. Recruitment of congressmen to form a world class pocket-pool team for 2016 Olympics.
6. Passing a bill to block the reformation or reunion of any boy band… ever.
5. Sending Edible Arrangement baskets to suspected terrorists throughout the world to expose them to the joys of western gluttony.
4. Compensation for graduates/victims of The Dick Cheney Hunting School.
3. Federally backed appointment of Jerry Springer as Ambassador of Self esteem to accompany his Certificate of Achievement in Chair-Throwing & Weave-Pulling.
2. Enacting a nationwide gag order on all celebrities wishing to speak outside their immediate area of expertise. Yeah, I’m looking at you Paula Deen.
1. Construction of a time machine to dial back the decades and halt the seed of all things Kardashian.