House Rules (And Things You Should Know Before Visiting)

Your safety is important here at Ant's Rants Central. For that reason, management suggests you party responsibly with a hard hat, safety goggles and knee pads in place.

1. Please evacuate your bowels before entering my home. There is a port-a-potty at the construction site two blocks down, I’m sure you passed it on the way in. If nature calls while you’re here, at least use the amply supplied Courtesy Spray and turn on the Electric Fart Fan. Thank you.
2. If you bring Schlitz to the party and I catch you drinking Guinness, you’re getting bounced.
3. Nothing legal may be smoked under my roof.
4. If you’re fortunate enough to be dining here, don’t ask to have your food prepared in a special way or to have certain ingredients left out. It’s all cooked the same for everyone. This ain’t a Diner and my name ain’t Mel. Allergic to something? Suck up a Benadryl or scratch your itchy ass. There’s a McDonalds next to the port-a-potty. Pick-up, Dingy!
5. Don’t park on my lawn unless you plan on grading the soil and laying new sod in the morning.
6. Yes, the dog bites but don’t worry, he’s never killed on purpose.
7. Unless numerous cell phone conversations somehow pertain to your visit, please don’t use my home as a phone booth. You’re not as popular as you think you are and unless you’re a drug dealer or a bookie, your business should be conducted during normal working hours far the fuck away from my hearing range.
8. Unless your next paycheck covers the cost of a leather sectional, I suggest you avoid my furniture while showing off how much wine you can drink on an empty stomach.
9. If you’re here to party, don’t ask me to turn on the TV. Stay home if you want to lounge out, watch the game and scratch your balls with a turkey leg. Fact is, I really don’t care if  “your team” is playing. Besides, unless you own stock in a bunch of guys in tight pants with low IQs, they are not really “your team.” Trust me, they don’t care how YOU spend YOUR Sunday.
10. Happy drunks are always welcome to party here. As for the others, I have a locking broom closet that doubles as a drunk tank. It holds enough oxygen to sustain you for 41 minutes. I suggest you settle down quickly.

Best Ideas of 2014… So Far

The best laid plans of mice and men don’t mean dick when you’re yakking in the can and pelting your face with Advil and Tums.

1. Exploding doormats to discourage solicitors
2. Cuervo IV-Drip for uninterrupted inebriation
3. New FCC regulations will now require that Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Justin BibWearer make some type of useful contribution to society  before having their name published or broadcast publicly.
4. Butt-Buzzers: Early warning ass-whistle inserted in the sphincter to signal the release of stealth-like flatulence
5. Penis Colonies: Remote islands where pedophiles, child molesters and sexual offenders are dropped off by helicopter… without a parachute. Survivors utilize their unique social skills to interact with those that appreciate inappropriate erections.
6. Body Odor Act of 2014: Mandatory daily showers enforced by law. If you can be smelled, you can be jailed.
7. Crotch-Cam video feed for FaceBook
8. Celebrity Death Hunt on RealityTV- regular people stalk the jungle fully armed with the intent of eradicating the world of celebrities they consider worthless and undeserving of fame. Baldwins beware!
9. Scented underwear by Glade
10. Sarah Palin VooDoo Doll/Inflatable Love Slave