Canine Thespian Speaks Out Against Animal Groping and Heavy Petting in Hollywood

January 11, 2018

AlexFromStrohsThese days, Hollywood seems to churn out as much depravity as it does… well, shitty movies. Over the last several months, we’ve seen the shame-finger wagged at directors, actors and set-sweepers alike that had, once upon a time, sexually harassed our favorite screen starlets. And now, an even more shocking bombshell has just dropped on Tinsel Town. A well-known animal actor has come crawling out from that cozy spot behind the couch and under the drapes to expose the level of inappropriate petting and forced cuddling that occurs in the back rooms of Hollywood.

Alex the Mutt has enjoyed a long career as a well-respected commercial actor. He’s best known for his stint as mascot for the Stroh’s brand of beerish beverages throughout the eighties. His highly influential performances would later inspire the careers of Spuds Mackenzie and Macaulay Culkin. After a decade of quietly drooling his way through retirement, Alex has come forward to shed his thoughts on what he considers Hollywood’s problem with improper petiquette. “Back in the eighties, directors were pretty heavy-handed with us four-leggers. They acted like they owned us, pushed us around a lot. They’d baby-voice us one minute and then holler, the next. I realize the blow made them bold but I didn’t need the hassles. I lived in a mansion. I was a star. I had bitches following me everywhere.” According to Alex, uneducated petting is one of the biggest problems dealt with by animal actors. “Look, I’m a dog so I know people wanna pet me. I get it, but you gotta know the rules and follow the steps. Listen, I worked with a director early in both of our careers. He got pretty big. I don’t want to say his name… you know, gag order and all. But it rhymes with Even Steel-Turd. So, this creep was like the worst petter ever! First time I met him, he did this pseudo-swatting motion with his hands all over me. It happened so quick. It was distracting and confusing. I couldn’t breathe. He never even let me get a sniff in. Not once! He just came at me like he was assaulting me. He did. It WAS assault. It was horrible. The hands… I can’t. I mean, the way they moved. At first, I thought he was having a stroke. You know, that bastard even petted me tail to head a few times. I still wake up barking in the middle of the night sometimes from that. But, it got weird. It always did. He grabbed and held my tail, too. Why would he do that? We hate that. Everyone knows it. But it starts with the sniff. We gotta check you out, that’s all. It doesn’t hurt. It’s like asking permission. If you pass the sniff test, you can touch my back a little bit but that’s it. Not the face, though. Don’t touch the face. Too soon. Always too soon. Point is, you can’t sidestep the sniff. Not your call. It was rude and made me feel like less than a domesticated house pet.”

The problems don’t stop there, either. Alex claims voyeurism also runs rampant on Hollywood sets. “Yeah, a lot of those freaks like to watch us clean ourselves. I mean, I do it because I have to. I’m a pretty clean guy. That doesn’t mean I want to watch it. And I’m not an exhibitionist. I don’t lick myself in front of the mirror or anything. But, when I first hooked up with Stroh’s, they’d hire the creepiest rookie directors to do the commercials. One guy only took me half a sniff to know he was a bad seed. But they all watched me bathe, some of them even pursing their lips as they watched. I didn’t know what to feel. It was confusing. I mean, I just wanted to wash up, get the grass off my bung. I don’t expect anyone to leave the room or anything, but turn your fucking head, bro.”

When asked what he expects to happen now that he’s come forward with these allegations, Alex replied “What? Oh, sorry. I was chewing my back. Well, revenge would be nice but that might be a tough sell. Just that this isn’t okay then, you know? Respect us or hire a goldfish. And just because I let you scratch behind my ear doesn’t mean you can bark out commands at me.” Alex would run into Even Steel-Turd years later, an experience he clearly hasn’t forgotten. “We bumped into each other on Vine by Melrose in 2010 and he petted me without my consent again. Not a single finger in offering. Just came at me. I mean, If I can sniff him, maybe I can clear him. Who knows? But he knows he’s foul so he won’t let me. That’s where the spastic petting comes from. He’s foul. But, he took what he wanted from me and moved on. It happened again years later on Sunset Blvd in 2014 and then again in March of 2015 at a party on Wilshire just before midnight. I know because I mark these things on the calendar.” Alex is hoping other animal actors will come forward with their experiences to show a united front. “I got to know Morris the Cat pretty well, shortly before he overdosed on Meowijuana… no connection. I’ve never been arrested. But, he would tell me how directors would force him to curl up on their lap during breaks. He wanted to do his own thing like tend to some lamp toppling, sofa shredding or whatever it is cats do. They would hold him, though. Push him down when he tried to get up and stretch. Savage stuff like bear hugs. Eventually he would just fall asleep from sheer exhaustion. Morris was very particular about laps and preferred to keep his personal and private lives separate. He deserved better. So, I’m making this fight for him and all the others. So, to all my animal friends, I have to say, if Weinstein wants to throw balls around with you, make sure you know who’s balls he’s talking about.” Since releasing his statements, Alex the Mutt has assembled a team of attorneys and is planning on filing several charges of third degree Furassment once they decide exactly what that is and what it’s worth.


Mayor McCheese Lashes Out At Voters After Losing Election

November 7, 2010
Mayor McCheese

Mayor McCheese returns to Hamburger Patch where his political career began. The burger-brained politician lost by a landslide to Charlie Chicken-Dick of PeckerHead Farms.

Among the political casualties of Tuesday’s big election is none other than Mayor McCheese of McDonaldland. The ousted Mayor was considered unstoppable among fast-food politicians. The burger-headed  public servant had harsh words for the changing political landscape. “You know all this backlash started with that SuperSize Me movie. I mean, everybody dug cheeseburgers before that (hiccup.) Then suddenly, everybody is a pussy and won’t eat meat. They’re bitching about cheese not digesting well and then it’s the fucking carbs in the bun. You know…  Just stay home and cook then, you boring losers! See if I care!” McCheese spewed drunkenly towards reporters.

Despite the volatile tone of the outgoing Mayor’s statement, polls show that there is some truth to his claims. 65% of fast-food eaters are more likely to eat chicken or fish than the overly processed beef-ish burgers that McDonaldland has become famous for. This could explain the quick political rise of the Poultry Party and the shocking victory of their candidate, Charlie Chicken-Dick. The Mayor-Elect ran on a solid platform of weight-loss and clean arteries. Chicken-Dick commented on the political power shift, “The day of the cow is over. The red meat regime is finally dead. Healthy leadership will shape our future and lower cholesterol levels. That is my promise to you” Even political upstart Felicia Fish-Smell  performed strongly as an independent capturing a respectable 12% of the vote among McDonaldland late lunch-goers and early-bird seniors.

Mayor McCheese’s campaign advisors will likely be blamed for what was ultimately a conscious decision by diners on behalf of their health. Lead strategist for the McCheese campaign, HamBurglar pulled no punches concerning his candidate’s loss, “robble, robble, robble, robble” he muttered unintelligibly. The comments were translated for the press by political ally and gay-rights activist Grimace, ” He said, I love meat in every possible way. I worship meat and I support meat. Meat deserved to win this election. Meat, meat, meat.” Experts speculate as to whether or not HamBurglar’s criminal background might also have contributed towards the political demise of Mayor McCheese. In 2008, criminal charges were dropped against the infamous beef-patty pilferer in a scandalous case accusing him of funding piracy for none other than Captain Crook.

The soon-to-be retired Mayor McCheese wouldn’t speculate as to the integrity of his cohorts but did have some parting words for the people of McDonaldland who put him out to pasture “You people may think you’re so (hiccup) smart giving that Chicken-Dick my job, but it ain’t gonna matter no how. Everything here is shot up with hormones (hiccup) and steroids and then fried. So, you ain’t changed a thing with this farce of an election. Enjoy your heart disease, suckers.” McCheese also hinted that his political career might not be over. “I hear that the Burger King’s constituents aren’t real happy with that freaky plastic mask he’s been wearing. I don’t blame ’em. Fucking thing gives me nightmares (burps.) But there might be an opportunity there for me to (hiccup) swoop in and take the crown. We’ll see. It’d be nice to govern somebody other than the goddamned ingrates of McDonaldland. (pause) You know, I think it should go to my credit that this experience hasn’t made me bitter.” McCheese proceeded to throw members of the press out of his room so he could sulk and finish his bottle of Jack Daniels.