10. Imperial Walker previously thought to be gender non-specific gets caught taping giant iron balls up its ass.
9. In light of recent misplaced xenophobic violence, Tusken Raiders ask to no longer be called Sand People.
8. Harrison Ford’s character gets caught in the cantina bathroom giving himself a Hand Solo.
7. Epic battle between Droids and iPhones will finally get resolved.
6. Karma Foods pulls new Boba Fett popsicles off the shelf due to bad taste…
5. Luke finally accepts that the “Dark Side of the Force” does NOT refer to his child-wood for Lt. Uhura of Star Trek.
4. Returning actors inspire new tagline “May the FloMax Pee Through You.”
3. Chewbacca wears hair extensions made from endangered space-ies.
2. Darth Vader’s helmet modeled after James Earl Jones’ wang tip.
1. Yoda uses the Force to finally extract Frank Oz’s hand from his ass.